Advertisements
I just recently joined this forum thru a friend's suggestion and have wandered thru the different different ones, and have finally found the courage to address my greatest fear, that my son will find me and tell me that he had a horrible life being adopted. Personally, I would wish that he never even knows that he is adopted. My husband of 10 yrs. just found out that I gave a child up for adoption and hasn't taken the secret revealed very well. He's in shock that I didn't trust him enough to tell this before now. I come from at least 5 generations of alcoholics, and other substance abuse. I was molested by my mother at 5 and traded for booze by age 7. I have trust issues with males and females, don't like to be touched, crowds make me nervious, don't like to leave my home. I was raped when I became pregnant with my son. I never considered giving him up and when they put him in my arms, I was in love for the first time in my life. I kept him for about a year or so, can't really remember how old he was at time of adoption but he was at least a year old because I kept a picture of him in my hope chest. I placed him in adoption when I just couldn't get away from my guilt anymore of what I was cheating him out of. The adoption and everything before was closed. I walked out of the lawyer's office and never looked back on any of it. It lay buried for all these years. Now , after reading some of the things posted by others , I'm so worried that he will hate me because I put him in harm's way rather than keep him. I never wanted children after what was done to me, he is my only child.
Like
Share
By the sound of it you did what you felt was best for your son and that is something to hold you head up for and be proud of yourself.
My life was quite ordinary and was pressured into having my son adopted by my parents but I do understand you feeling worried that your son will hate you. My reasons were different to yours but they were real and so are yours but you are doing the right thing by facing how you feel.
Over your husband there probably wasn't ever going to be a 'good' time for him to find out if there is such a thing as a good time. How did he find out - did you tell him?
My husband was told by my sister so it forced me to go into more detail about 'my little secret'. Fortunately for me once my husband calmed down he listened and has been supportive so hopefully your husband will be after taking time to digest the information. Just give him time to get used to the fact that you gave up a child to adoption.
I know this is a difficult time for you but the best thing you can do for yourself is to start talking about this whether it's with a trusted friend, family member or even counselling. Posting here and reading other threads will probably help as well as you're not alone and you need all the support you can get.
If you are reunited with your son all you can do is take it one day at a time. When I was reunited with my son my first thought was thank God he is alive, then afterwards I relieved to know he'd had a good life and education. You can only prepare yourself so much for the possibility of reunion as each one is different.
Philippa :)
Advertisements
I found out that my sister was looking for him and so I thought I had better prepare my husband if my son is looking as well and would contact me. I just don't know what I would say, I don't know who his father would be, so I couldn't tell him anything helpful. I don't know how to explain . My husband just doesn't get it, about the lie, the child or how I don't feel motherly for my child. I'm confused as well, it just feels dead inside. I never thought I would ever even have to tell anyone, but times have changed . My husband isn't mad really just uncomfortable why I didn't tell him before now. Would it be better if I choose no contact if he does find me ? I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to re-open that part of the past for no good benefit to anyone?
Thanks for explaining further, it's not easy for husbands to understand our circumstances so will reinforce my previous comment about giving your husband time to get used to the fact you gave up a child for adoption. Once I told my husband my circumstances we never really talked about it until last year when I was reunited with my son. We both had to deal with it in our own ways but I do know it was hard for my husband because my past became a reality. Your husband is probably going through the same that you have a past that could walk back into your life anytime - sorry I forgot to ask how old your son is so I'm making a bit of an assumption here.
Having read your story it must be difficult but put yourself first and there is nothing wrong with how you feel. Whether you have contact or not with your son if he chooses to contact you is entirely up to your so now is as good as time to get things into perspective. It might be worth you starting a journal/diary and get down all your thoughts on the matter. I started a diary back in September and it does help.
Whether or not you have contact with your son if the time comes is something only you can decide really. Also if you do how much of the truth you tell him is very much your own decision and he may not even ask who his father is anyway. If he does personally, if I was you, I would probably be honest but keep to the bare facts on the matter but that is something for you to decide.
You are doing the right thing at the moment of posting how you feel as it will help you to move on and to start making decisions that are right for you.
My thoughts are with you.
Philippa :)
Thank you for sharing with me about your experience with reunion with son. My husband is 20 years older than I , we both married late in life. I didn't think it would ever happen for me and had been content to be single, but my husband is just so calm and unruffled with a sense of humor that I finally found my laughter. I grew up in a rural area and ran away at 16. I had learned how to cook and clean, mother would rent us girls out to clean houses, churches whatever was to be cleaned for a price. When I got to the city, I got a job as a waitress, soon a job as a maid, been one ever since. I was 22 when I got raped, walking home from work one night. My son would be about 33 now. I found it easier to just forget it ever happened, and since my husband was past the age of wanting a family when we got married it just never came up. I'm happy for the first time I can remember, having someone who doesn't ask questions or many of them, anyway. Now it's likely as you suggest that he won't have those kind of questions, so I will think on this and thank you.
I read your post, and I am in reunion with my son that I relinquished 22 years ago, we have been in reunion about 10 months. I think every birthparent shares your fears about your birthchild growing up in a bad situation. I was terrified that he might tell me a horrible story, adding to my guilt even more. And I totally agree, that your choice of whether you should have contact is a very personal decision. I know I buried my feelings for so long, that it was a shock when they all came back. My biggest fear was not telling my family and having that phone call or knock on the door, and then having to explain the situation. Thank gosh, my immediate family have been so supportive and helped me through this difficult time. But I do believe that it might be a good idea to give this some thought about the situation, and how you would respond, if the occasion ever came about. Its always better to be prepared than to be caught off guard. Best of luck, and good wishes.
Lisa
Advertisements
You should never feel guilty for wanting him to have a better life. My heart goes out to you for all of your tragedies and heart breaks throughout your life. You did what the only thing you knew to do, gave him a chance for a good life. All of us here share a connection and can totally sympathize and empathize with you. God bless you and I will pray that everything will work out for youl.
Advertisements
No child adopted truly hates their parent I believe. Why do you not want him to know he is adopted............ because of how he came about? Or because you do not want to face him and have to tell him how it all happened. Well, He already knows something is not right...... its just what we adoptees experience..... He has a right to know who he is and why he is like he is........ You have gone thru a great deal......... and as long as you dont give him a reason to hate you or doubt your real motives for giving him up I believe all will be ok in the end......... you owe it to yourself as well as him......... sure your husband is upset, you didnt tell him, but i am sure you can make him understand....... I understand nvr wanting children...... but you have one, are you gonna deny him and yourself of a relationship.......... how old would he be now? I found my bio family at age 40, she lived an hour away. She moved 7 hours away a few weeks ago...... I feel like I am back at square one........ I have explained how I feel...... but I dont think she understands........ I did all the searching, most of the visiting and now I feel its still on me.......... I think we will grow apart because of the distance she has put between......... she asked me if i wished i never met her, and the answer is no, I asked God to grant this and he did. Do i wonder what if I hadnt found her? Sure I do........ But I know and I while it has been great, its like that stage is over and other things have surfaced...... She says she loves me but the family she has know for her entire life is the one she is really concerned about........ DONT let your child feel this way by your actions.........