One bio at home - adopt 2??

Hi Karen, Eli and Nic (adopted from Guatemala in June '04) are our first kids. So I am no help to you in answering your question. But I just wanted to say, good luck to you and how exciting that you are "paper pregnant". I have never heard that term before :) Take Care, Jen

Hi Karen, I am SO glad to be back on the forums. Like many I was unable to log in for a few days...talk about withdrawl. :D We had 3 bios at home when we adopted our 2 Guatemalan angels. So our experience doesn't really fit yours. But I think the key to bringing any child into your home whether by birth or adoption is to prepare your children who are already there. I think it would be really hard for your biochild to feel leftout if they were really involved in the process all along. From talking about what adoption means, to helping choose things for the new child(ren) to helping care for the new child. Making your son feel special will go a long way regardless of whether you adopt one or two children. And at the age of 3, I'm sure he loves to be the "big helper". The more we can get our 3 year old to help, the happier he is. That being said, I think it's not always easy on existing children when a new little one joins the family. And we as parents need to keep that in mind when our new little one arrives. Giving extra attention to your son, doing "special" things with him that you don't do yet with your new child(ren), and making sure that he is not always the one who has to wait to get his needs met. It's important for him to see that Mommy's love has not been divided, but that it has been multiplied. (even if your time and attention gets divided somewhat) The last thing I can think of is to be careful not to attribute all of his misbehavior once your new one is home to jealousy. I think alot of times our children live up (or down) to our expectations. If you believe he is jealous it is likely he will be. Not sure that makes sense? The adjustment time when our two babies came home (seperately, 3 months apart) was toughest on our youngest bio who was not quite 3 at the time. But it only lasted a month or so. And a year later you should see how much they all adore each other! Good luck in your decision and congrats!!! Kim

Thanks for the good advice! I am so torn - I think I know why you are not able to have control over all this with a bio child! So many hard decisions! We have been keeping our son involved to a point so far. Of course when we bring it up he says either "Are we going to get him/her now?" or the ever-popular "I want two." So we'll see! ;-)

Karen, I had a bio 17yo at home when I adopted my first 2, then 5.6yo and 6.9yo. For the most part, it went very well. However, there were times when my spoilt, special needs, almost adult reverted to the level of a 2yo. There were times she was jealous and felt guilty about it. The guilt just made it worse. I would think with a 3yo you would actually be in a better place than I was with my daughter. He is young enough to anticipate having a playmate that never "goes home"! If you adopt 2, would it be a boy & girl or 2 girls? I ask because if it is boy & girl you may see the boys bonding and leaving the girl out, totally opposite of what you are worrying about. About a year after my first adoptions, my daughter graduated and moved out on her own. Then I brought home my 3rd adopted child and I found that 3 is NOT 50% more than 2! It was more like 200% more! Then the next year I adopted another little girl and evened out the playing field...2 boys and 2 girls at home....life is good again. Personally, I found 3 to be a lot harder than 4. There was always an odd man out thing going on.

What would you do if you suddenly found yourself pregnant with twins? Your son will be just fine. His life will be so much fuller and more fun with siblings, and having to share mommy does wonders for developing good social skills.

Hi :) I had a bio son age 22 months when we brought home our other two sons, then ages 3 and 4. We had some of the same concerns as you did. Things we did to alleviate some of those concerns. All 3 shared a bedroom for the first 2 or 3 years. They loved it and we couldnt figure out which child should be alone. Yes it was crowded, but yes, it was the right decision for us. Son #2 did play favorites for quite a while with his biological brother (son #1) but with consistency on our part, and an understanding that he needed to cling to that which was familiar, they have all moved past that. We are now 6 years after the adoption and our boys are all equally brothers and although on one day someone may be the favorite, the next day, it might be someone else. Of note, we also had another baby boy 18 months after our oldest two sons joined the family--- so that added another dinamic.

Hi Karen, We also have a bio son who is 2.5. We are adopting 2 kids from Kazakhstan, anywhere in age from 1-4 yrs. My mom thinks we're nuts, but I agree with lashicks, what if we were pregnant with twins? I think you have to do what you feel is right for you. We aren't getting any younger and adoption is expensive so we decided to go for 2 at once. Plus, we figured any issues our son had wouldn't be with bringing home 1 or 2, it would be with going from being an only to having siblings, regardless of the number. We, too, plan on having all the kids share a room (at least till we move to a house with more bedrooms) since that is what the adopted kids are used to and the bio needs to get used to sharing. Good luck with your decision. Keep in touch. I'd love to hear how things work out for you.

Hi, We just adopted 2 sibs from Russia 6/7 g/b and have 11yo bio daughter at home. She is doing OK, or saying she is doing OK. It is extremely hard, even though they seem to have no particular issues. If you can avoid taking 2 at the same time, you may be better off. R

I recently read a book on intercultural adoption in Australia, and they say that having more than one child adopted from the same country is very beneficial (and can even prevent negative experiences) for the adoptees, regardless if there are children (bio or adopted) that are of the same culture as the parents in the home. So I think it's a great idea if you can adopt multiples!

Hello! We had one biological child (a son) when we adopted our twin girls from India. Our son was 13 when all 3 of us went to India to bring our girls home. While he is older than your child, it still concerned us as he was our "only" for so long! It has really been a wonderful experience overall. Our girls have been home for 6 years now and we have 2 other children we adopted here in the United States. Good Luck! Lori :)