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I have an 7 month old that Im in the process of adopting.
My husband and I have had him since birth. We had just began the adoption process when we were contacted by a birthmother and had 3 wks to prepare before the baby came. We didnt tell our family members that we even had intensions of adopting but were forced to inform them very quickly. So there really wasnt much discussion on adoption before he was born. I have a wonderful relationship with the birth family. I have even taken the baby to visit twice. My problem is that my family doesnt stand behind my decision to be so inclusive with the birthfamily. I want my son raised to know that he is adopted only because I know that the world can be very cruel. I would rather him learn that from his family so that it can be a positive experience for him. My family acts as though they want to forget this and want to keep it a secret. Secrets imply negativity. Adoption and/or being adopted is a tremendous positive. I dont know how to go about letting the family see how important this is for him and his future relationships. Am I totally off the mark or am I making to much of a deal about it?
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This is just my opinion, but I think they need to be educated on adoption and, in particular, open adoption. All they probably know is the horror stories of adoption that are in the news and not all the positive stories that do not make the news. I think it is great that you are a wonderful relationship with your child's birthmother and your family needs to know how important that will be for your child. Our families did not totally understand the open adoption idea, but when we explained it and educated them they have come around. My parents actually met our son's birthmother and birth-grandmother when they came to see us for the weekend while we were waiting for ICPC to clear so that we could return home.
Good luck to you and your family.
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Stand your ground on this one and do what you feel/think is right and you have a sensible attitude so stand by what is right for you.
I haven't adopted any children myself but I know from the other side of the coin what problems can be caused by adoption. My bson's adoption was closed but problems arose when he was searching for me and came about due mainly to my family of all people. Due to a falling out they didn't know where I was for almost three years - during that time he found my family. When I recommenced communication with my parents they didn't tell me they had contact with him or tell him where I was. On top of that my sister had told him unpleasant (untrue) things about myself and my husband. I found him by accident last year but despite everything he has been told we have a good reunion.
The other issue is he hasn't told his parents that we are in reunion which is ultimately up to him and I can't/wont interfere on that matter. It is sad he can't be honest with them but that is his decision.
Ultimately I think you are a very thoughtful person and should be getting support from your family with your decisions. I agree that there should be honesty with your child's adoption and how you deal with it should be respected.
Philippa :)
To help your family "get it" with open adoption, have them read Adoption without Fear by James Gritter. It is a great book about open adoption. My family was a little sceptical of open adoption at first too. They are just trying to protect you, so try not to take it too personally. I know mine had fears that the bparents would get too attached or would come a few years down the road and want the baby back. Adoption without Fear helped to ease that. Good Luck!Nic
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I understand where you are coming from! My husband and I told E in the beginning that we did not want any visits until our daughter was ready but last week we had a change of heart and went to see her at work and then we met her entire family for lunch Sunday! Everything went great and they were so excited to see Castle. We did the free birthday cake thing at the restruant and let her dig and make a big mess just like she had done with her cake at home.
We have not told our families yet about our meeting since they would not understand but I do intend to get the book you all have mentioned and pass them out to our family members so they can understand the open adoption issue. We just knew our visit was meant to be!
Good luck