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This may be kind of long but I feel I must lay out what's happening with us lately in order to get appropriate responses. My DD (9yrs old) is normally a very happy, sweet, respectful child who does well in school. Approximately 8 weeks ago it became a reality that we would be buying a new home and moving to a different area. At that time she began having a lot of difficulty with her "best friend". They began arguing and in general being really mean to each other. Very much out of character for my daughter as she normally gets along with everyone. A real social butterfly. We made the move two weeks ago. In actuality everything went pretty smooth with the move and all. Since that time she has brought home 3 "f's" on various assignments and having real difficulty at school. Today I got a call from her teacher who explains to me that she has been bullying two girls on the bus. Not physical bullying but name calling, etc. She has also been lying quite a bit and even caused this girl off the bus to get in trouble in class because she lied about something. The bus driver and two parents have complained to her teacher about her behavior. On top of all that she attempted to forge my name in her daily agenda this morning and told her teacher she is trying to make myself and my husband feel bad about moving her. In reality this move is a positive thing. A much nicer home, nicer area, smaller more personal schools (part of our motivation for going here). I am so lost & confused about how to handle this. I never imagined in a million years I would see this behavior out of my daughter and frankly I need some other's input on how you might handle it.
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I think it is commendable that you are trying to help your daughter through this hard time. Sounds like she really isn't enjoying herself, and you want to help. In addition to thinking about what appropriate consequences for her behavior might be, I think it's important to consider what the source is. What occured to me after reading your description is that she could be feeling very insecure about fitting in at her new school, and that insecurity may be taking the form of becoming 'tough'--saying mean things to others, getting them in trouble, etc. She may be trying to reject them because she is afraid they will reject her. When I was a child, we moved several times: I attended 6 schools in 11 years. Many of these were moves that were to better houses, better schools, etc., and while I appreciated that my parents were making those improvements, knowing that things were technically "better" didn't help the social situation at school. I can assure you that kids can be very unpleasant to new students, and I had teachers behave in ways that you would not believe, either. She may be having problems she is too embarassed to tell you or anyone else about. Anyway, I would suggest a couple of things, based on my experiences as a child and as a mom. First, I would tell your daughter that you know moving is hard, and the new situation might be very hard for her. Let her know that you know she is not a bad kid, just a kid having a rough patch. Ask her what you could do--other than moving back--to help her with the transition. If you are giving consequences for the wrong-doings, I would make them closely related to the misdeed: if the bus driver complained about her, she could write an apology. If she has received bad grades, she will need extra supervision on her homework, etc. Most importantly, I would try to help her fit in and find friends with a few of the right kind of kids for her. I would start by talking to her teacher, the school counselor, and other parents to find out what kind of activities there are both in and out of school where she could spend positive time with some of her classmates. Sports, scouts, swim team at the local Y, it depends on what is available where you live. If possible, volunteer to help with group activities so you wil be there to see how her interactions are going. Also, you could ask your daughter if there is anyone she would like to know better and invite that child to do something fun, like go skating, and try to foster a friendship that way. If at first you don't succeed, try again. My parents did not know how hard it was to move, and left us kids to find our own way in each new school. That didn't work out well for my social butterfly brother (got in with a fast crowd--in 5th grade, no less, and ruined his adolescence) or with shy old me (bad grades though "gifted", and truancy to avoid the situation). I'm sorry this is so long but as you can imagine my heart really goes out to kids having problems with moving and I know how hard it can be at a school where you are off to a bad start. I hope you find something that helps you,and your little girl.
I am a Mom now, but my parents moved during my senior yr in high school and I tried to make their life a living "H"... I can now look back on the experience and see where I grew as a person due to the change in my life but @ the time I thought it was done as a cruel joke to me! Not that I know exactly what is right or wrong but my parents did try to help me understand the reasons behind the move and try to point out the areas where I could "grow." And they included me in some of their activited (i.e square dancing) which I HATED but guess I must have appreciated being "included" rather than left @ home alone. Good luck. Moving is hard. That is something I can speak from experience on ( moved about 13x... i don't think it ever gets easier)