Reunited with birthdaughter after 17 yrs

Amy, I haven't been through exactly the same as you but just wanted to give a bit input. Your husband has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I do strongly believe you are right to want to include your bdaughter fully inyour life. Stand your ground on this as your other children also have a right to know their sister as well. By the sound of it you're doing the right thing seeking a counsellor as this is a good way to talk through issues including why your husband feels the way he does. However don't let him convince you that you was selfish to go and see your bdaughter as what you did was perfectly normal/acceptable behaviour. Your husband knew about her so therefore needs to come to terms that she has a right to know her bfamily as you do to get to know her. Another point is that your other children should know the truth as well - it would be so wrong of your husband not to let them decide for themselves how they feel about this and that could eventually lead to resentment. My husband knew about my son but obviously when we were reunited problems arose. Although he knew it was only right that we had contact he still went through an awful lot such as resentment, anger, jealousy, not wanting to share me with another man and even fear that he would lose me. We had plenty of arguments but worked through all this and yes I went through pain of knowing this reunion was causing problems with my marriage. Fortunately we got through all this. We don't have children though so that hasn't been an issue but if we had I would have insisted that the children were included. Philippa :)

Thank you so much for your imput. I just need to speak to others like me so badly. When I gave my baby up all those years ago I never once felt ashamed of myself, however, my husband has made me feel this way over the years...especially now that she wants to be get to know her family. My husband is someone that believes that he is right and even the counselor is wrong! I am not sure how this will help. Somedays I just want to wake up and tell them and get it over with, I know that they love me very much and will be accepting of this. Besides, my birthdaughter just wants to meet them for starters, that does not mean she wants to spend holidays, etc with them. I truly believe that this will end up destroying my marriage, he has already threatened that he would take my other children from me. So....I am not only seeking professional help for this matter but also with an attorney to find out my legal rights.

I'm sorry that it's that bad between the two of you and have pm'd a longer response but you're doing the right thing getting legal advice. Philippa

amy_roberts

My husband is someone that believes that he is right and even the counsellor is wrong! I am not sure how this will help. Somedays I just want to wake up and tell them and get it over with, I know that they love me very much and will be accepting of this. Besides, my birthdaughter just wants to meet them for starters, that does not mean she wants to spend holidays, etc with them. I truly believe that this will end up destroying my marriage, he has already threatened that he would take my other children from me. So....I am not only seeking professional help for this matter but also with an attorney to find out my legal rights.

I am so sorry you are going through this.. what a difficult time for you.. I understand.. I did not have to deal with what you are dealing with but I understand the pull from my immediate family. My bson found me on the net in 1999.. we have met twice.. my husband took me to meet him and my grandbabies once.. But.. I know if my bson lived in the same city there would be trouble.. We did what we were told to do back then..(some of us) We complied to our familyӔ. We did not make waves.. at the cost to ourselves.. Maybe your lessons are not over yet.. Life can be so darn difficult.. Its about control to me.. There is another thread here on the forums where folks are discussing what happens to the new birthmoms.. How some will say How could you do that?Ӕ to them.. Such thing.. Such a way to box someone into the corner.. Some of us never learned how to say noӔ.. No I wonӒt! You are not alone .. Jackie

You story is a bit like mine, but I have twin sons that I found when they were 20 and I most definately told my daughters within six months of my finding them. The earlier in their lives the better! They totally understood and they are thrilled to have these two big brothers in their lives! They adore them. My girls were 12, 10 and 5 when I told them about their brothers and it was honestly the best thing in the world. It gave them a better understanding as to why I was so nervous and jumpy for those past months. They felt relieved -- because they can always tell when something is wrong with mom anyway. They are very keen to our feelings. So, if you think you are keeping something away from those little darlings, you are probably not -- children are so smart. As far as your husband goes, do what you think is best for you and your family. He will learn to adjust to this all somehow. He's just going to have to! You need to keep your daughter in your life and whether he supports you or not is going to have to be his problem for a little while. Thank goodness my husband supports our reunion -- he enjoys the boys and I make him as much a part of the reunion as possible. Sometimes its a little difficult and I get a little consumed by it all, but it is very natural and it will get better as time goes on. Take care!!! Mary Kay