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I am a mother of five children, two of whom are step-children from my husband's previous marriage. They have been with me since they were 2 and 3 years old, and we are a very close family.The bio-mom of my two step-children has been in and out of their lives. We have always had custody, but she's visited with them, called them, sent them gifts. Also, they spend one weekend a month with her grandmother. However the bio-mom herself moved to Germany in June of 2003 (without even telling us she was leaving).My step-son doesn't seem to have any emotional attachment to his bio-mom at all. My step-daughter is very attached. Often when she says she loves me, she'll add in, "but I love my other mommy, too."The upcoming adoption is not going to change things in any practical way. It's mostly a safeguard so that if something happens to my husband, I will retain custody of the children. The bio-mom is willingly relinquishing her rights.How do I explain to the children -- to my daughter especially -- what the adoption means and why we are doing it? I don't want her to think that we are making her other mommy "not her mommy anymore."
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I adopted my 4 step-children (then 10, 11, 14 16) a year and a half ago. Fortunately (in some ways) their bio-dad was a really putz and never contested the adoption, never paid his child support, never showed interest in the children other than to get to their mom and jerk her around.
I would let your daughter know that this really doesn't mean anything about her feelings towards you or towards her bio-mom. She can still love both of you the same as she does now. You might explain to her it just means that you're the "mommy in charge" instead of it being her bio-mom. Emphasise the partnership that the two of you have and that someone needs to be the leader, however.
Also, be listening for her feelings about the adoption - and about her bio-mom just leaving without notice. I know that with my children, even my youngest (who often says he can't even remember what his bio-dad looks like) there are feelings of abandoment there and feelings about what was wrong with them that their bio-dad left.
Be sure to listen as much as you talk - and keep in mind that this will be an on-going conversation, not just a one-time talk.
Tim
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