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Hi, I appologize in advance for rambling, but here's my situation. I have had my son since he was two days old (my 15 y/o nephew is the biological father). It was our son's first birthday today, and although most of it went well, I am left with some frustration as to what to do or how to confront my sister. Here's the situation. A friend at the party is an adoptee. My sister asked her if she was ever able to find her "real parents." I piped in that her adoptive parents are her real parents. She said no they're not, she has adoptive parents and then "her biologicalparents - meaning that they were her real parents." I got very pissed off atthat point, but since it was a party and lots of others were around, I let it go for the time being. In addition, when she is around people and her son is around, she talks about our son as my nephew's son (like we're not even right there). An example tonight, she asked him how his friends (three know of the birth and adoption) liked "his son." I wanted to right there say, no, he's my son. He gave up his rights when he signed the papers. She continuest o make comments like that. When I have talked to her about the future, our son going to college, etc., she just said "oh, I thought (insert nephew'sname) would be taking care of that when he gets out of college (her son's failing high school right now - but that's not the point). He's our responsibility and our responsibility to provide for him - if someone else wants to help,I don't have a problem with that, but I don't want her to assume that we're just babysitting. Although I have thought these things I haven'ts said anything to her about it. I do think I need to confront her on some of this though. Inaddition, the bmother insists when she's writing him to sign it mommy. I talked with her at christmas. I asked her that If she wanted to put the name mommy, then to put "mommy (insert her name). She told my other sister (not the biological grandmother) that she is doing it to just upset me. Today, on his 1st birthday card she did the samething. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they are in my son's life, but I am upset that they are making these comments and I feel it is going to get worse as he gets older and begins to understand more. I want to get a handle on thisright now: 1) Before our son startsto understand more and these comments are made aroundhime; and 2) Before I get really angry and say something I'm going to regret. Anyone have any suggestions how to go about this? Debbie Amom to Jayden (1 yr old today)
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Debbie,
Wanted to show a bit of support on this subject. I always refer to my bson's parents as his parents simply because they have parented him from a young baby. Basically I agree, in every sense of the word they are his real parents as they have been there every step of the way for him. I am his biological mother and we do have a good relationship but his 'real' mother is the one who brought him up and I certainly wouldn't try and 'mother' him now. Our relationship is totally different which is how it should be.
I never refer to his parents as adopters or adoptive parents as I have too much respect for them. Stay strong and you are right to feel the way you do.
Philippa :)
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Hi Jayden's Mom, It sounds like you are in a tough position. I have found that good communication and clear strategies work well. I usually write things down and then remove anything negative or offensive. It is also a good idea to prioritize people to deal with. I would then communicate clearly with your sister.
- "When you say ___, I feel ___".
- "The agreement is for our adoption. Legally, we are the parents. When you refer to our child as your son's, it will be confusing to him. When you act like we are not the primary people in his life, you undermine our entitlement to parent to the best of our ability."
- "I am sure you do not want to cause this child any pain or confusion. I need you to support us in raising him. I need you to present the people in his life in an appropriate way."
These are just some ideas. Before you try to communicate, you may want to decide what your options are if your sister, her son, or the birthmom do not honor your requests or choose to disregard your feelings. You may also want to decide what support systems within your family are available to you if you just have to put up with it. Best wishes and good luck.
Debbie, First off big hugs to you and for having patience, because I would not have. First off either call your sister or send her a letter and give her definitions of the adoption lingo. Tell her that you as adoptive parents (no matter whose aparents) are the "real parents". Second I would have got up with the birthday card in front of the bmom and tossed it in the trash!!! Sorry that just really burns me that they cannot be respectful of your wishes. Then restate the way to sign the cards. Okay so it is too late to do that, but call her, send her a letter and tell her that if she can't sign the cards the way that you have asked then please don't send them. I am sorry about being so blunt, but obivoulsy that is how it has to be with some people who just don't get it.
Hope things get better for you soon.
Carole