How much openness/visits?

Double R, I think what's more important is for you to examine what you're really comfortable with. Keep in mind there are no 'norms' or 'usuals' with open adoption=it's what works for everyone involved. In our case our adoption is fully open and integrated. Because we live in different states visits are infrequent. Phone calls and e-mails are more frequent. This is what works for everyone involved. I doubt you would find anyone in the triad, my son included, who feels that they are not getting what they want out of the relationship. Ultimately though regardless of anyone elses' arrangements, it's got to be what works for all of you. It goes without saying (and I'm sure you've found this already) that openness in adoption demands a certain degree of flexibility for it to work. For instance, say you do agree on a 'schedule' for tapering off, the time comes and she asks for more or continuation. How will you handle that? If you're not comfortable with this many visits,a and honsetly with the possibility that they won't 'taper off' as scheduled, then say so. If it's a 'deal breaker' than this may not be the right situation for everyone. Just my thoughts. Take care, Regina

I think every family has to figure out what works for them and that can sometimes take some time. We never set a time table but given how flaky both me and the birth mom are (we're both pretty sponteneous and bad at planning ahead) that was probably just our fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants style. For you a plan might be more comforting but maybe one that has some flexiblity in it for the first couple of months. We saw each other about once a month in the first couple of years, it has tapered off a bit in the past couple of years becasue "A" is in grad school and is insanely busy. I agree that you have to consider that this arangement might be long term and if that's not ok the this is the time to speak up. I think what a visit consists of could really be the real issue here. I could see how putting your life on hold every first and third Sat of the month (or whatever schedule you come up with) could be tiresome but if the "visits" were less formal and just part of your regular life they might be easier to live with. For instance if we had to be home ( and the house clean) for every visit from birth family we would never have seen them. Often the visits happened on the fly while doing things we were committed to. School shopping, swim meets, school fairs even dinners with other relatives. We just included them in the day and kept going. Sam's birth family got to see him and our family AND they got to participate in our life as a family. I have great pictures from one year's school fair where "A" and her sister came and I can't tell you how great it is to have another set of adult hands when I am stuck at a pool all day for a swim meet. We get to hang out and talk for hours. Shopping with another adult female is ever so much more fun than with several cranky kids. There have been a couple of time I was in their area and called to see if I could swing by for a short visit. We have gone to church together and "A" has stopped by after a study group in our area for dinner. We do have regular visits but with everyone's schedule it always seems we are combining things. lisa

Hi there Our birthmother visited only after our daughter was about 8 months old, before that we gave only letters and pictures like you are doing. We decided to open it up further because she had seen me at the mall where she worked a couple times and I wasn't aware of it until we ran into her mother at a public pool. We decided to control the situation by allowing her to visit in our home. We let her lead the way and she started by visiting monthly, gradually tapered off to every few months and now we haven't seen her for over 2 years but we have talked on the phone and have emailed pics etc quite abit. In this time she has gotten married and has a new baby girl at home. My advice would be to allow only what makes you feel comfortable, you are the ones in control and keep it that way. God bless your situation.