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Hi Everyone! I just want to warn you - this is a long post, but really interesting! My story has turned into such a mess! It's defiitely not what I expected and I need some advice badly! I'm not sure how to even start this, but I found my birth parents about 4 months ago and things have gone downhill from the beginning. To make a long story short, my birth Mom and Dad are living together and not married. I have a 24 year old half sister who lives with them and she also has a 3 year old daughter. My half sister will NOT get a job and lives with government assistance. She is very selfish, whiny, and spoiled. She yells at her Mom and treats her so badly. They all fight all the time and bring me into the middle of it. I have a family of my own. I'm 27 with a hubby and 2 toddlers. I want to know these people, but they are in constant turmoil! They are always fighting and bringing me into the middle of it. I know my birth Mom and half Sister are both on some sort of drugs. Sis has an oddly large stash of prescriptions that she takes every day. Huge - I mean... like 15 pills at one time just for a headache! And birth Mom takes about 20 pills of ephedrine at a time. I saw all this when they came to meet me. Anyway, birth Dad is great. He is pretty normal, although he chooses to live in this chaos. They showed up on my doorstep one day about a month and a half ago and told me they quit their jobs and came here to move near me! I was shocked. They had no place to go and NO MONEY!!! They wanted to stay with me until they could find jobs. Against my hubbys will, I let them stay for 3 days before I couldn't take it anymore. They were fighting and yelling in my house, had 6 ANIMALS in my house, it was a mess. So I told them to leave. They were really mad at me and didnt talk to me for 3 weeks. I was devastated. I had just found the people I dreamt of my whole life and now they were totally gone from my life (my hubby says it was for the best). Well, now all the sudden they have called me again. But, not only have they called me, but they are asking me for money. They went back home, have been home for 1 month and have not even begun to look for jobs! Yet, they are totally out of gas, had to go to a foodbank for food, and their gas and electricity have been turned off. They had to call me collect to ask for money! And, last night, my birth Dad called collect to tell me my birth Mom kicked him out and he wanted to leave her and had no place to go. They have totally latched on to me and expect me to help them in their bad situation. In my eyes, they didn't raise me and I don't owe them all this. I want them in my life, but I can't take this anymore. I just want to tell them to forget it all and move on with my life! What would you do? Any suggestions? I could use some advice. I don't know why, but I feel this overwhelming urge to have them in my life. Not this way though, I can't afford it. Also, by the way, I have helped them out some financially... all of them. But they just keep coming back for more! Thanks for reading my LONG post! :) Christine
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Ouch I'm sorry to hear that. However, the best way to have such individuals in your life is to set up some VERY firm boundaries! Suggest contact via letters and you'll send them envelopes and stamps but you are not an ATM and cannot help them out - since it will ultimately affect your own family. Tough love is tough ;) Maia
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Hi I remember your previous posts about when you asked them to leave your home, after trying to help them find somewhere to live, and how upset you were. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. You were kind to them, and let them into your home, and they abused your kindness IMO. Then when they left, they were angry, and didn't reply to your messages you sent, UNTIL they run out of money again! I can understand they are your birthparents and you want them in your life to some extent, but I think they are behaving badly and using you, they want to know you when it suits them, and for their own benefit. I personally, wouldn't dream of asking birthfamily that I had just met for money, (or any other time for that matter), they got themselves into this mess, and it is up to them as responsible adults to sort their lives out, re: marriage, employment, somewhere to live. Say you take your Dad into your home, and then you have to put up with abusive calls from your birthmom and sis, how is that going to affect you, your husband and family? I would firstly think of my husband and family, then birthparents. Tell them that you are there for them for support, to talk to, but you are unable to get involved in their marriage problems or help them anymore financially. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but you are being used, and you are so kind hearted that you do not like to say no or upset anybody, in the midst of all this, your husband and children are probably feelings the effects that all this is having on you.... Sorry it is turning out this way for you, I hope things improve, sending hugs to you. Collette
christine, I also remember your previous post about yur birth family moving in...and now this. You just found them 4 mo. ago. They survived up until that time..they will now also. The way these folks are now, they are toxic....need more help then you are able to give them. IMO....in the cases of reunion...nobody owes anyone money...money needs to stay out of the picture because there ae to many other things going on. Like everyone else said.boundries need to be put in place..... Can you change your phone # until they get their acts together? If drugs are in the picture, I am sorry to say, they rreally have no feeling towards you..there first thought is of the drugs and how they can obtain them. There MIGHT be a chance if they clean up but until then I would stay away. So sorry you are going throuygh this.. Donna
I agree with all the others particularly over boundaries and tough love. It is one thing to want them to be part of your life but they need to respect you and your family (husband & children) as well. The last thing you want is having your home life disrupted so stand your ground about 'rules' but on the other hand let them know you still want contact provided they respect your wishes. Philippa :)
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I really appreciate everyone's replies! It is so hard to look at it from an outside perspective. It is such a nighmare, that is correct!!! It seems like, no matter how much I help them, they just keep asking for more. I can't do enough to satisfy them and it hurts so much. Also, by the way, had to tell you all something else. Last night, as my birth Dad was driving away, my birth Mom said "you can have her, from now on, she's your daughter and NOT mine!" I believe he was telling me the truth. To make matters worse, is that I spoke to her on the phone after she said that and she was so nice to me. I think she is just afraid that birth Dad will go to me and she is mad about that. I don't want to be in the middle. However, it hurts me that she said that! I told him my adoptive Mom has had her bad days but has NEVER said that and NEVER would! Ouch, it hurts that's for sure. I never expected all of this... it's like something on a talk show! :) Thanks for the support though, it makes me feel better and helps me feel good about standing my ground and saying no. ((Hugs)) Christine
It's nice that you found your birthfamily but not the way things have turned out. You do sound like a kind person to try and help them. I can't believe they don't work. :rolleyes: I can't stand people like that. All they do is want a hand out and make you feel bad for not helping them.. I don't think I could be around any family member that treats me that way... You are much nicer than I could be at this point... I hope everything will work out for you but good for you for not giving them any more money... :)
Hi Christine I, too, remember your post about your bfamily moving in with you. No one deserves the treatment you have gotten. Least of all you after all of your kindness to them. I agree that tough love is in order here. Once you start it though, there can be no "back sliding" as once that happens it is much harder to set firm boundaries the next time. I know how very much you wanted to find your bfamily. But even if you were not adopted and had grown up in your bfamily, they have no right to treat you or anyone this way. Members of my afamily have had to set firm boundaries with others inside the family. It is not something that is unique to bfamilies at all. Your main concern is your husband and your children and most importantly yourself. If you can find a way in which to keep in contact with your bfamily within firm boundaries set by you that would be wonderful. But if that is not possible you may need to make a really tough decision to stop contact until such time that your bfamily solves their problems. It does sound as though they will always have some crisis that they will want you to bail them out of. But the important thing to remember is that THEY got themselves into their situation and it doesn't sound like they are doing a whole lot to get themselves out of it. I wish you the best in this and I am so sorry things have turned out this way for you. You are an awesome person and do not deserve this at all. Snuffie
I might be out of line, but I'm just curious how you found them and verified they were your parents. It just seems odd that such a chaotic couple would have stayed together for that many years. In most cases the birth mother and father have long parted. I wish you all of the best, but these folks almost sound like predators. In my search I found the wrong mother the first time around, same name, and had also given up a daughter for adoption, but the more we investigated the more something didn't seem right. The family kept verifying that they remembered her being pregnant, they remembered her giving the baby up, yada, yada, yada, and no one knew where to find her, but they were more than willing to accept me as their kin.........thank goodness the private investigator found my real mom before I got sucked in by these folks. Reading your story is almost spooky after what I went through.
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