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It's that time of year again when we write a letter to Liam's birthmother with updates. The hard part is knowing that the letter is going to the agency and will just sit in a file. She chose not to see him at the hospital, nor during the 17 days he was in foster care before TPR, nor on the day of TPR when we picked him up at the agency. She has never picked up any of the letters that we have sent, and has moved without leaving forwarding info. Liam will be 3 in 3 weeks.
While bored at work this afternoon I googled her name. A website for the area she is from came up, with her name listed as someone who has just added their email address on to the site. Now, it may not even be her.... but her last name is not all that common. there are only 29 people listed in the directory for our whole province with this last name.
So my big question is..... do I send an email? I really hate that we've lost touch with her, and I would love to know how she, and her son that she is parenting are doing..... but I don't want to intrude, or bring up feelings that she is not ready to face. And if I do, what do I say? "Hi I stalked you on the internet and found you? How are things?"
Any suggestions?
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WOOOOO HOOOOO Andy! I read this thread thinking that you should contact her and she can choose to ignore you if she would like to but you never know..........
It was great to read that she replied. How wonderful was that? I am so happy for you.
I have done the google thing too. Thank goodness my name yields nothing.
Shell
Just another '2 cents' worth from a birthmother who had a closed adoption in 1985 and is now in reunion (initiated by my birthdaughter)
I realize that you have probably already sent an e-mail to Liam's birthmother however I strongly agree w/ DL and think this is not fair to the birthmother. I was also "at peace" w/ my decision which only meant that I KNEW that I made the best decision for the well-being of my child, but that altho' my mind was set on adoption doesn't mean that I could cope w/ it, not by a long shot. I didn't exactly choose a closed adoption, open adoptions just weren't available in my area in 1985. However I could not have survived w/ an open adoption. It would have been like thirsting to death and only being given a drop of water every now and then...or like having a large wound, in which every time it slowly began to heal, more salt was poured into it. I HAD TO LET GO ....and try to get on w/ my life. And yes, I prayed and prayed that my child was safe and happy and that I would meet her one day, but I had to let go...I couldn't have a relationship where I could only see my child when their parents wanted, or receive photos only when their parents sent them. I'll sum it up by saying it had to be all or nothing for me at that time- the only way I could deal w/ it.
So I'll pray very hard for Liam's birthmother and hope that this doesn't cause her any more pain than what she is already experiencing. Obviously from her actions, the only way she could cope w/ the adoption at the time was by severing all ties and getting on w/ her life. I would have advised to let your child decide if they wanted contact when they reached age 18.
Just an opinion from a birthmother who does understand your point of view...I just beg to disagree. I sincerely hope things go smoothly for everyone involved.
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Just wanted to share a quick update. We've been corrisponding back and forth by email all week, like long lost friends! It's a great comfortable conversation.... very little focus on the adoption and emotional side of it, mostly because she is so strong and set in her decission.
And the best part is she is going to come for a visit in August!
I'm so glad this has all worked out!!!!!
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I've been facing this very issue. My daughter's adoptive mother has moved away and the letters the agency sent on to her have been returned. I do have her own mother's address - she lives just a few streets from me - and I nearly asked the agency to re-send the letters there. Then I figured that if she really wants to get in contact, she can write a note or pick up the phone to the agency. I think contacting her direct would be intrusive and could open up a can of worms. I am confident that in time we will meet, and she will meet my daughter. In the meantime, I think the situation should be left alone RachaelPhiladelphiaAdoptive mother to Lydia and Eva
rachaelp
I've been facing this very issue. My daughter's adoptive mother has moved away and the letters the agency sent on to her have been returned. I do have her own mother's address - she lives just a few streets from me - and I nearly asked the agency to re-send the letters there. Then I figured that if she really wants to get in contact, she can write a note or pick up the phone to the agency. I think contacting her direct would be intrusive and could open up a can of worms. I am confident that in time we will meet, and she will meet my daughter. In the meantime, I think the situation should be left alone RachaelPhiladelphiaAdoptive mother to Lydia and Eva