How do I explain her past?

Tsmom, I am not an adoptee, but thought I'd throw in my two cents. I also worry a great deal about what we will tell our adopted daughter M, who we got at almost 4. We've had her six months, and just finalized. Of course her background is very different than your daughters', coming from abuse/neglect and being in foster care. Our SW say to never tell her the details of why she was removed (and stress that we are her parents now), but I don't really agree with that. For now I am kind of taking a "wait and see" approach until she is much older. Now when she talks about her bfamily I explain very generally that sometimes grown-ups have so many problems that they are not able to care for a child, and that that was the case with *. I emphasize how much * loves her and misses her, but that alot of people (SW, judge) worked to make sure she had a safe home and a family that could love her forever. In your case, in the younger years I would just say honestly that you don't know much about her bparents, but that they must have loved her very much to want her to have a better life than they could give her. I explain to my daughter that lots of people are born in one family (their first family...I will use the term birth family when she is a bit older), and then grow up with another family, their forever family. Sometimes I give examples of other children we know who are adopted (and the families are very open about it). It is also a good idea to find children's books that deal with adoption in a very age appropriate manner. A Mother for Choco is great for very young kids. The Mulberry Bird is wonderful for kids maybe around 6 and up? There are lots out there. On Amazon.com just type in adoption and child or children. You can read reviews and see samples of the books. I would also get some children's books about China, and try to expose her to Chinese culture/traditions throughout her childhood. Good luck to you, and congratulations!

Tsmom, I am an adoptee and what I was told, which I am sure any child can deal with hearing is " You were adopted by a family who loves you a great deal, and your birthfamily that gave you up loves you also. They gave you up for a good reason..so I may have a chance to be your mom" I was told that, and I think it works well. It made me not so angry at my bmom. So when the time came to meet her I was happy. I am 22 years old, and I just met her Nov 2004. As far as your child never getting to meet her bfamily explain when she is old enough to understand their culture and why she could never see her bfamily. But just keep reasurring her that you love her no matter what.. I hope the best for you Megan

There is a great book, "Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son" about adoption from China and what leads to the abandonment of girls. If you haven't read it I suggest you do because it deals with the actual reasons behind abandonment and how common they are. After reading it I think you will have a better idea of what to tell your daughter and how to present the birthfamily in a positive light because you will have stories in their own words about why. Another good book is The Good Women of China. It isn't about adoption but instead is a series of true stories about women living under the strict government laws. It is written by a female radio host in China who has a show devoted to understanding women. It details the low treatment that women have in society and the stories of girls who were raped, abused and then told to pretend it never happened. It is heartbreaking but it might give you insight to how a person could be in a place where they felt they had no choice of their own.

My daughter was born in India, where, like China, boys are considered more desirable because they care for their parents in their old age (a married couple lives with the husband's family). In addition, in many areas women still require dowries so they're much more expensive than boys. So when resources are limited and a family can only afford to raise a small number of children, it is usually the girls who are given up. My advice is to explain the political reality that forced a mother to make a terrible choice. There is a law in China that says you can have only one child. Your daughter might have been child number 2 and her existence could mean punishment. It is also illegal to give a baby up for adoption to an orphanage, which is why so many children are abandoned. It's possible that her bmother watched to make sure she was found. It's possible that they were simply too poor to care for a sickly child and wanted her to be found by people who could care for her and make her well. It's terribly sad, really, that the government and overpowering societal pressures could leave a desperate woman with such terrible choices. The laws and cultural pressures should be taking the blame, not the birth parents. You don't know that the bfather forced her to abandon the baby. There's no point in speculating. BTW, in the beginning, when she's quite small, I'd just say "Your birthparents couldn't take care of you, so they left you where someone would find you." When she's old enough, she'll ask why they couldn't take care of her, and you can start talking about the laws in China.

My daughter was born in the US, but she has a history that others are concerned about when the time comes to share it with her. We adopted her at birth. Her birth mom was 13 when she was raped by an older man who was bi-racial. She had just turned 14 when she gave birth. Her family and others had tried to pressure her to abort in the 2nd trimester and she nearly did. She was at the clinic, in the stirrups, and the abortionist had begun inserting metal rids into her cervix to stretch it open in order to perform the D&E/live dismemberment abortion that generally takes 20-30 minutes. He was doing this without having dilated the cervix with lamenaria the customary and "safer" 24-48 hours befroe the surgery and he was performing the abortion while this 13 year old rape victim was awake. She was 20 wks pregnant and had been told by the abortionist and staff that at 20 weeks, the baby isn't formed yet. She was told no one would want a "bi-racial rapist's baby" and that if she didn't concent to the abortion, she would die. She got upset during dilation due to the pain and he rescheduled her to give her mother more time to come up with the extra money to put her to sleep for the abortion. I am open about her being adopted, bi-racial, and the amazing strength and courage shown by her very young birth mother...of whom I keep in regular contact. (She is doing very well BTW and is happy with her decision) I will always let my daughter know just how much her birth mom loves her and that she loved her enough to fight for her when there was so much fighting against her. I am planning to engage in age appropriate discussions with my daughter about the full story. I don't want her to think of herself as a "rapist's baby", but at the same time, she isn't a rapist's baby. She is a precious and loved child who was conceived from an act of violence instead of an act of love...but great love came out of the experience. I don't want her to think there is something "wrong" with her due to her ethnicity, even though the clinic used her being bi-racial as a reason to abort. I also don't want her to think badly of the biolgical extended family because, although misguided, I genuinely believe they were doing what they thought would be best for the 13 year old, especially when doctors and counselors told them no one would want the baby and that the girl would die. Why would they support her in carrying a baby only to die giving birth to a child no one would even want? Plus, if you add in the rape, I think the family just wanted to pretend it never happened. Even though we know abortion wouuld never erase the rape or the memory of it, but would further combound the trauma. It is a fine line I walk and I pray, even now, for guidance and the right words at the right time. This board helps give perspective on what adoptees need to hear, how and when they need to hear it. Thanks.

I would suggest never delving into the details of the stopped abortion. Indeed, I have trouble coming up with any reason to mention it at all--it seems unnecessarily cruel to say anything beyond that the birthmother considered abortion but chose to carry to term, despite the risks to her health and life. IMHO to do otherwise would be to sacrifice your daughter's sense of self worth in favor of a political agenda.

For you daughter from China - Maybe I see this differently, but I see a Mom who loved her daughter enough, even sick and needing help, that she placed her where she knew she would be found and cared for. As you said - daughters are not that desired in China, sick daughters would be even lower. She kept that baby for 12 days, knew she couldn't keep her any longer (whether becuase of needing a boy or her sickness we don't know), and made the ultimate sacrifice - she placed her babe where she would be found and helped. Even tho Mom would never know what happened to her daughter, she knows she gave her daughter the best start she could. All the girls in China's orphanages are the lottery winners, in a sense. It would be a simple matter to kill the child (and it is done), but these mothers wouldn't do that. They gave these girls a chance. Isn't that what all Mothers want to do - give their children the best chance for a good life?

While I can understand the fear surrounding telling a child she was nearly aborted, this is part of her history and a part many people who know our family are aware of. Plus, I am a pro-life educator and public speaker. The situation surrounding her adoption was due to my pro-life activities. My husband and I had a 2 yr old and a 2 wk old when we learned that this young woman was 20 wks pregnant and being pressured to abort. We wanted to help her. We felt she didn't have an advocate and that she was being lied to in order to force an abortion that others wanted for her. We wanted to give her every option....not just TELL her she had options, we wanted to BE an option for her. THe difference between words and action. I have spoken out for years against abortion even for the "hard cases" like rape. I have tried so hard to get people to understand that a child concieved out of violence is just as alive, just as human, and just as deserving of life, dignity,a nd respect as a child concieve out of love. As difficult as it may be, I wouldn't even think of telling her till she was mature enough to grasp exactly how brave her birth mother was to go against her family and the clinic staff and to continue her pregnancy while under the eye of her 8th grade peers. I think it shows her exactly how remarkable her birth mom is and how precious SHE is to all of us. She literally almost died. She was rescued. She was loved so much and wanted despite the lies told to her birth mom. It isn't about a political agenda, it is about the truth. This is her story. Who am I to lie to her? Decieve her? Keep it from her as if I am ashamed of any part of it...as if she should feel shame? Besides, inevidably, the truth would come out, either from someone who "spills the beans" or from her birth mom, or simply from reading her own medical records. I'd rather be the one to tell her and explain it to her in a loving way and to help her deal with it all so it isn't such a shock. I obvioulsly wouldn't tell her as a little child, but I believe she has a right to know. Her birth mom is very open about it in her letters to me and I save all correspondences so my daughter has concrete stuff of/from her birth mom to hold, look at, and read (pix, cards, etc...) She would figure it out. Besides, abortion is a sad fact of life in our culture. She will learn about it simply by having a mom who is involved with life issues. She will also know that we love and offer understnading to women who have aborted...we don't hate or condemn them. I don't hate our daughter'b birth mom for considering abortion...especially based on the pressure she was under. I don't even blame her family because I honestly think they were trying to do what they thought would help...although I would disagree strongly...especially based on the stats. She isn't a tool to use for as a part of any agenda...she is a precious little girl with a story, her own story, to tell. It is her history and her truth and I hope I do a good enough job as her mother not to let the facts of her birth be a hinderance but rather a cause to celebrate even more her life. Please don't think I don't take your opinion to heart...I do. It will not be easy and I appreciate your concern for my daughter's feelings.

DeNaJa, Obviously you have to do what you feel is right. I do not want to offend you, but to be honest, I agree with Spaypets that the decision whether or not to tell her does seem have a great deal with your very strong pro-life beliefs. At least that is the impression I got from your post. I was surprised that you would even describe all the details here in this forum. Personally, I'll share alot here, but not the particular details of my daughter's abuse and neglect. We are also very careful not to share those details with ANYONE besides her therapist. I think it would be needlessly cruel and painful to give your daughter all those details. I also think it could lead to huge emotional issues and self-esteem problems for her...and adoptees have enough to deal with already. As for so many other people knowing, I have to wonder how that happened. That is very sad if the bmom's family shared her very private ordeal indiscrimately, or if you have. If it is just the bmom and her immediate family that know, I think they can be asked to keep it general (as Spaypets suggested). As for the letters describing the stopped abortion, I would never, under any circumstances, show those to you daughter. Please, please, please think about your own daughter's welfare and not about illustrating the horrors of abortion through her story. I hope that you at least consult some mental health professionals (more than one) regarding this...preferably somebody who is not as heavily invested in the pro-life issue as you, who can objectively evaluate what is best for your daughter's emotional health. I have to say I do admire you for 'acting' rather than just 'talking', by adopting her. I've always wondered how many pro-life activists are willing to raise these children themselves. Congratulations and good luck.

It would hurt your daughter if she knew about her past at a young age.She will not be emotionally able to process the information. However,after she moves into adulthood,I believe she has a right to know everything.It is her past,and she will just feel better about knowing.She would not want parts of her past to be hidden.Delivery of the information should be in a nonjudgemental tone and attitude,in order for her to digest the info. I am an adoptee,with a painful past as far as birthfamily goes,but I needed to know what my adoptive parents etc knew so that I could formulate my own opinions.They were great and respected me by remaining neutral and just delivering the facts.I am grateful for that everyday!!

I agree with you to a good extent, DeNaJa. In my opinion, it is important for our adopted children to know the truth of where they came from, but we should be a bit discreet with too much detail. I think knowing what your daughter's bmom went through, might help her through her own life, knowing what she went through as a baby to be born and then what her mom did for her in fighting to give her that chance. She just may grow up as strong as her biomom. You would be the best judge of to what detail to give and at what maturity level/age to do that. My dear adopted baby girl (now 2 1/2) was the product of a prostitute and her John and had many in-hospital problems and then was abondoned there after three days. We got her from the hospital at 3 1/2 weeks old and I hated and despised her bmom for quite sometime that she could abuse herself and her unborn child like she did but, then, as our little Miracle has grown, I have often wanted to search out biomom just to THANK HER for leaving her in the hospital where she had to have known she would be taken into social services, put into a foster home (ours) and ultimately adopted (by us). Biomom has given us the best gift anyone could ever receive!!! She will know what a gift she is and how she came to be, minus my initial misgivings toward her bmom. She is 1/2 Black and 1/2 Native so there is just so much research to be done to help her with her own individual heritages. Missy