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Hi my name is Mary and I am new to the forum. I have two beautiful adopted girls one is 7 and the other is 4. My oldest has recently started feeling the effects of being adopted. She started with feelings of wishing she wasn't adopted because then she would still be with her birthmother. Not that she doesn't want to be with us, of course we are her Mommy and Daddy but she wishes she would have come out of my tummy because then I would never have given her up. Soooo in other words she is feeling a loss which of course is totally understandable. We have a fairly open adoption with her birthmother but my daughter only knew her as Michelle. She hasn't come to visit for over 2 years but my daughter still recognized her. We shared with her a scrapbook I had made that was all about her adoption, including pictures of us before she came along, our birthmother letter, a picture of her with her birthmother shortly after she was born and of course the pictures of all of us together when we went to pick her up at the hospital. My dillema is she is now saying things to hurt my feelings to see what kind of reaction she will get out of me. She said something to the affect last night as she was lying in bed that she was thinking about her Mommy but she wasn't thinking about me at all. Maybe she didn't mean to hurt my feelings to the point that she did but I became an emotional mess. I could see in her eyes that she knew what she was saying was going to hurt my feelings because after she said it I said what did you just say? She of course didn't want to repeat herself and laughed. I left the room upset and her sister was upset because she made me cry were her words. I didn't know what to do at that moment. I just cried for a few minutes and then went back into their room and said to her that "I am her only Mommy". I said her birthmother gave birth to her but that I am the one who is loving her and taking care of her. I said,"Don't you ever say things to hurt my feelings ever again." She apologized of course. My daughter can be very mean with her words and she is also very self focused. I am upset because I can see that she is going to use this to her advantage in the future to try to hurt me. I wasn't ready for all of this to happen at such a young age. I feel like I have failed in some way. Have any of you dealt with this sort of thing and how did you handle it? Any advice would be so appreciated. I didn't even talk to my husband about this because I knew he would get really upset with her and I knew she already had enough from me. Thanks for listening
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Her age is right on target for attempting to get attention and control of you ... and what easier way than to get her Mom questioning the Momminess (what a word ... sorry).
One thing we have always done with our child is to acknowledge openly he has more than one Mom and boy was he lucky - one who made the choice to give him to a family to raise and the one who is raising him - don't make her choose - even in memories and thoughts - it's too much for any child. I would sit with her today and tell her you have thought alot about last night and that you understand that she has wonderings about what life would be with her birthmom but the family who will be raising her is you and that anyone who hurts feelings has to have a consequence ... and that consequence is some time to think about how to make all family members feel good every day and have her sit (and read or color even ... she is only 7) aside from the other activities going on and promote - if you need time to think about your other Mom - we'll make that time ... you might not like her "choice" if she chooses to search/interact with her birthfamily later in life if she feels you kept her from the other. These words probably stumble on themselves but hope they are getting my message through.
And one more thing - just because your daughter wonders, thinks and even talks about 'what if' that doesn't mean she doesn't love you - she's just verifying you love her!
Hope this helps!
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Thank you for your response. I do agree with everything you said. My intent wasn't to eliminate her birthmother from the picture at all. What I was saying to her is you have two mother's but one Mommy. It is all so confusing to us, so I can't imagine how confusing it must be to them. My anger in my post was towards her manipulation and trying to hurt me for no reason but to test the waters with me. I figured I would stop her in her tracks before she started getting out of hand with her comments. We have an open adoption with her birthmother so she will not ever have to search for her. I support her relationship with her birthmother 100% what I do not support is using the situation to hurt me and to get attention. Like you said it could just be her age. Thanks again.
She is also at the age that hearing from her birthmom that she supports your daughter's place in your family might be a good thing.
I agree -- the best thing you can do is ALLOW your daughter to talk about her fears or things that bother her EVEN if they might hurt your feelings. Feel a need to cry? Do it away from her. She is not responsible for your feelings and its not her "fault" she was adopted. Its her reality. From HER perspective she DOES have two mothers. She is completely right on target for processing grief about adoption. Many experts/books talk about the age 7-9 as a time when adopted children become aware that being adopted isnt JUST about being "chosen" or "special" or "extra loved because two parents love you". Its also about the fact they had to lose one family (parents and possibly siblings) to gain another (you and your other daughter).
She will get through it ... she just needs her mommy's help :)
Jen