What Aparents should know

Wow, I really enjoyed your post and it helped me a lot. My husband and I are 32 years old and are looking into adoption after two miscarriages. I was told I could probably have a baby myself but I am thinking that my fate is to adopt. I will love that child (or children) as my own. One concern I have had is "will the child think of us as their real parents and will the child feel part of a real family." Your message helped me feel better about that and I thank you for posting it. :)

I know plenty of well love and well adjusted adult adoptees who still felt like they didn't "belong". Each person handles being adopted differently and none of us can speak for Adoptees as a whole.

I agree that adoptive parents do not have anything to fear, but with open adoption coming ever so popular there is a chance for a bonding process to blossom with the birth-parents and the adopted children. Although my b-son is in love with his adoptive family he still is very much attached to me. Sometimes he asks why he cant live with me, and what his name was when he was my baby, and why I gave him away...it's all so hard to answer b/c he's only six. But anyways think how your adoptee experience would have been changed if your birth parents were consistantly there loving you your whole life. Yes,the adoptive parents are my sons parents and always will be, but I will always be his b-mom and i'm not going anywhere!

Well I guess you are entitled to your opinion....however I do not agree with this statement. I'm a very well adjusted, happily married (14 yrs), and wasn't neglected....yet I still never had a sense of belonging. I was the only blue eyed, blonde haired member of a family of dark skinned, black hair, brown eyed family. I didn't look like anyone or act like anyone in my family. this is what made me feel like I didn't belong....it wasn't just an idea I cooked up in my head. I agree with Snuffie.....everyone handles the situation differently.

Well said tricia. nicnacpattywack, with all due respect all adoptees are individuals and there is nothing wrong with adoptees being curious about their origins and certainly it's "not in their heads". As tricia stated in her post you are entitled to your opinion but you may find there will be adoptees disagreeing with you particularly with open adoptions being more popular as stated by m-mom. My son was adopted in a closed adoption and was brought up in a loving home, had a good education, now working on his second degree, had nice holidays and has been treated exactly the same as his brother who is the bio son of their parents. However it didn't stop him from wanting to know all about me and to have a relationship with me. When we were reunited it was an issue with him that I acknowledged he is my son and that I am his mother. I haven't replaced his parents in any way and they are still his parents in every way but on the other hand we have a good relationship. I appreciate that not all reunions are good and as in your situation you're quite happy with the amount of contact you have but bear in mind there are good reunions. You have a right to your opinion but it doesn't work for everybody. Pip :)

I am an amom. And I hear so many stories about achildren not bonding with families. It scared me away from adoption at first until I did some good research and self reflection.I was not adopted and did not look like my mother or brothers at all. They are short stocky, blonde hair, green eyes or hazel. I am tall, dark brown hair, dark brown eyes. I never felt like I belonged. I was the only girl but my father rejected me. So I feel that if people feel they do not belong, it has to do with their own feelings of how do I fit in and how am I accepted. I took everything my father did to me that I did not like and I said, I will never say or do that to my children and I don't. I tell my children every day that I love them. I do not treat them differently. I tell them positive things I like about them. If they stumble, we talk about what went wrong and how it could have been different for "next time". Children want so much to be loved and if we just do that then they feel self worth and the belonging to a family happens wether a child is adopted or not. Mybdaughter is half Hispanic and looks like her bdad (Hispanic) but people still ask me where did I adopt her from. Same with my adaughter. But when my husband is with me no one asks. Hmmmm. I took bmom to DR appts when she was pregnant and made sure that I had all her family information for adaughter when she wants to know. We took pictures of bmom for her. I have books of the town where bmom/dad live and my whole family (daughter too)visited the area where bmom and dad are from (daughter born in US but bparents not from US)..took more pictures. One last note....my dear, sweet, recently deceased grandmother used to say....Don't discount someone else's feelings and if you don't have anything nice to say....maybe you shouldn't say it?

Everyone, Please remember to keep things respectful, okay? I don't believe that the OP truly intended to make a blanket statement as to the feelings of ALL adoptees; she was stating her opinion regarding how she never felt that she didn't belong. It sounds to me like she was trying to reassure aparents about how she felt, in her personal experience. That is all, after all, any one of us from any side of the adoption triad can speak to, when it comes down to it -0 our own, firsthand experience. :) *removing moderator hat* I also was adopted as a newborn. I never, ever for a second felt that I didn't belong. I look nothing like the rest of my family - they're a bunch of tall, skinny, light haired/light eyed folks, and, well, I'm not. :p (I'm the shortest at 5'6", dark hair and brown eyes. I also have.....plentiful curves.) That didn't affect my feelings on whether or not I belonged, neither did any curiousity I had over the years about my bfamily. Wanting to know about one's bfamily doesn't mean an adopted person feels that they don't belong in their afamily, IMO. I think that is a natural curiousity that adoptees might have, but I think it is a separate issue from feeling like s/he belongs in their afamily. Along with having been adopted myself, I am now a mother through adoption. I am glad that my daughter will not have to wonder as I did who she resembles or any of the other questions she might have the way I did, since I was born before open adoptions were as common as they now are. I don't think that open adoptions confuse children. That being said, I also don't believe she will have any reason to feel that she doesn't belong or that she isn't exactly as much a part of our family as her cousins, who are the biological children of my sisters, or anyone else in our family. As it turns out, she does in fact have some resemblance to me, so she will not "stand out" as much as I did growing up, but really, that wasn't such an issue for me. Anyhow, I'll end my rambling now. I wish all the hopeful aparents on this thread the best of luck with your adoption journeys, and I wish everyone peace and joy in your lives. Cheers! Heather