Hi everyone,
I just received a call from our daughter's birthmom this evening saying that she is six months pregnant (our daughter is only eight months old). I had suspected as much the last time I saw her about a month ago, but I didn't want to come right out and ask her. She told me that she also wants to make an adoption plan for this child, and hinted that she hoped that we could take this baby as well. Unfortunately, our eight-month-old is our third, and by mutual agreement with my husband, final child. We really can't adopt any more children and still be great parents to the kids we have.
With that said, I'm feeling so torn about this whole situation. I feel some sense of responsibility because this is our daughter's sibling and I want to make sure that she goes to a great home. I've talked to a couple from our church who are undergoing infertility treatment right now, but she has severe medical problems that will most likely keep her from conceiving. I called and told them about the situation and told them to think about it and pray on it for a few days and call me back.
My husband and my friend have told me to just leave it alone and let the birthmom work it out on her own, as in finding a family, etc. I am having a hard time letting it go, though. Has anyone been in this situation before? If so, how did you handle it and how did you let go of the responsibility considering it's your child's brother or sister? Any input on this would be ever so much appreciated. I have a wonderful open adoption with our daughter's birthmom, and I really think that's why she called me to tell me about this and to see if I could help her out as opposed to finding a family that's on the agency's list. Again, any insight or advice would be great.
Hi Ilene,
I finally saw your pm to me and emailed you back. Now, I just saw your latest post...
Our son's birthmom is also pregnant again and we also feel a lot of responsibility for her and the new baby. So, I'm not sure what advice I can offer other than to say I understand the feelings.
In our case, birthmom really feels like she does not want to make an adoption plan for her new baby but said that if she does change her mind, she would want us to adopt the baby. Her family thinks she should go ahead with adoption again for all the same reasons that led her to place our son for adoption with us.
We have told her that she has our support for whatever she wants to do. When we visit with her in a few weeks, we told her we'll go to the store with her and help her buy some essentials (crib, car seat, etc.) for the baby. We really want to help but have to set our limits somewhere because we can't be her sole source of support as she tries to raise this child.
Anyway, I think it is very generous of you to help your daughter's birthmom find a family for the new baby and I can imagine that a part of you does wish you could adopt him/her as well. I also understand your husband and friend telling you to let birthmom work this out for herself. It is so hard to want to help and wonder what would be best. Have you asked birthmom if she would specifically like your help in finding a family for the baby? Maybe she would like it to be someone you know. First because she trusts you and has such a good open relationship with you. And second maybe she likes the idea of this baby growing up knowing of his/her birth-sibling in your family -- is that something you're comfortable with? How would the family from your church feel about that kind of openness? Just things to consider...
I always have to apologize for writing so much. There's lots to say.
Best, Ellie
Please do not assume that she called you because she wants you to find a family for her. She very well may wish you were the ones to adopt this baby, but that does not automatically segue into you finding her a family if you are not able to do it. It is not your responsibility. In fact, she may very well feel a sense of obligation to choose whatever family you come up with. Do not put that burden on her unless she specifically asks you to help.
Thanks for your insightful and helpful posts. She did ask me if I knew someone that is interested in adopting, and did say that it would be great if my daughter and the new baby could grow up together. When I told her on the phone that we wouldn't be able to adopt the new baby, she said, "I figured that, but I was really hoping you knew someone so that I wouldn't have to go through the agency again and we could just do a direct placement." That's where I feel the sense of responsibility from. However, after sleeping on it I do feel better about it today. I'll do what I can and tell the people I do know about the situation, and after that I'll leave it in God's hands.
And Brenda, I definitely see your point about her feeling obligated if we help find a family, but M is very blunt and straightforward, and if she wasn't comfortable with the situation, I truly believe she would tell us that and find a better match. I also told her that if she chooses to parent, that we will try to help her out any way we can.
Thanks again for your input, and Ellie, I'll email you privately.
I am glad she is so strong. She very well may want the kids to grow up close to each other, with a family you know well.
I found out from our Agency when my son was 6 months old that his birthmom was pregnant. We didn't want to adopt any more children but we also didn't want the kids to be apart. But we decided that we wouldn't adopt again if she choose to do the adoption plan. Long story. She got married and has a 4 month old son.. :)
It's nice that she has a close relationship with you and asked if you knew a family. Atleast the kids can grow up together with one of your friends if she chooses to place. Best of luck to her.. :)
Keep us posted... :)
If you feel that she definitely wants your help in locating someone considering adoption, I'd definitely pass her information on to any of your friends or family members who are hoping to adopt. At least that way your child could grow up knowing her brother or sister much better than if the bmom placed with a couple across the country.
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to give you a quick update on what's been going on. I do have an acquaintance who is very interested in adopting the baby, has talked on the phone with M and they are planning on meeting next week to talk about the adoption plan. We are all excited about this since my friend lives just 20 miles from us and the kids can grow up knowing each other.
I had a heart-to-heart with M and told her that I didn't want her to choose this family only because it was someone I knew, and that she should really think about meeting a couple of families before she decided, but she's pretty sure from talking to her on the phone that she will choose them as potential aparents if their in-person meeting goes well.
I've come to terms with the guilt of not being able to adopt the new baby, but I am excited that my friend may become a first-time mom soon, and I'm happy that M will have a plan in place before the baby gets here.
Anyway, I will continue to keep you posted, and thanks for the support you've given. It's nice to have a place to post concerns where people can understand exactly what you're going through.
Take care,