Why won't people try?

I'm a Mom, and my son came to us through adoption. As soon as I talk to someone on this forum who is considering their options, i IMMEDIATELY point them in the direction of a few of our birthmom's who post here. I know that they are the best ones to help them exhaust EVERY option to them as far as parenting their child, before committing to adoption. I agree that alot of people feel that they do not have a choice, and really, its just a case of them not knowing where to look for help and advice. Perhaps if you stick around, you'll see the support that lies within this forum. Leigh

Congratulations on your news and it is great that you and your boyfriend want to keep your baby. I do absolutely agree with what you're saying. However the others have made very good points about anything negative you have read 'our attitudes' towards teenage pregnancy. I would be interested where the negative posts are as it is a subject close to my heart. I have been one of those unwed teenagers who didn't get any support so know, like many others who post on the forums, from personal experience what it is like to be pressured into a situation. My personal cicumstances were that I was 19, split up from a relationship then realized I was pregnant. At the time I wasn't being irresponsible as I had been in a long term relationship before splitting up. I desperately wanted to keep my baby, had a well paid job so financially could have kept my baby and he would have been loved. At the time I kept quiet long enough so that I couldn't be pressured into having an abortion by my parents .... that's how much my baby meant to me. However when they found out they decided my baby was going to be adopted no matter what and it was a closed subject. The few people who knew about my pregnancy didn't dare support me as they knew what my parents were like and nothing would change their minds. Even my social worker let me down as she knew I didn't want him adopted but did nothing to help me. Her idea of 'helping' was to tell my parents how I felt who in turn part even more pressure on me. They wore me down so much I eventually did as they wanted. It was and still is the greatest regret I have ever had in my life. I can't turn the clock back but due to finding my son last year .... he had been searching for 5 years .... I can move on positively with my life. Incidently my son was bothered that I had been bullied to use his words into having him adopted. I agree that you are judging us .... there are those birth mothers who chose adoption for their children as they felt that was best for their child and I have great respect for them. There are others like myself who were in an emotional/financial situation to support our babies but were pressured into adoption for our children. Spare a thought for all our different situations and please don't judge us without knowing our stories. Philippa :)

First of all, I have a feeling that the majority of you who replied to my post are the ones who don't judge...I didn't see anyone in here that said, well yeah I do say that but that's not what i mean...those people probably just didn't have anything to say. I guess my feelings just come from personal experience...although you can consider 18 an adult...a teenager under 18 is more likely to have her mother help support her and her child whereas I am right out of high school with little work experience and no furthered schooling and I don't have my parents there to support us. Therefore, people give me just as much "heat" as they would give any 16 year old who was pregnant...my feeling is just that I see so many posts start with "well if you cant raise your child, what about adoption?" and I think about how many times I heard "adoption is a great choice" without even hearing "so you want to keep this baby?" first...it broke my heart that anyone would assume first off that I wasn't capable of raising my own flesh and blood. I just think hearing "there are so many ways you can find financial and emotional support so that you may raise your child yourself" before you hear the words adoption and abortion is such a great ease of mind that a teen might actually think that she can do it. I also got upset because the first section of posts I saw was some guy asking a group of people whether or not it was possible he could have gotten his girlfriend pregnant and then all of the repliers assumed that this guy was joking around with them (not like he couldnt have googled a support forum and found this one) so they started telling him how he shouldnt be having sex and how ignorant he was and how she needed to be on birth control and pretty much making fun of him. If that guy had been a real man and she had been pregnant...how do you think she would have felt to see those things? That's what really upset me...you can't take chances with peoples' feelings like that. From those people I just got the impression that it was a bunch of older mothers who felt that they somehow knew so much more because they were older when they had their children but...really, age is a factor which doesn't really exist. Maturity is a state of mind. In conclusion, I apologize if I offended any of you and I will definitely stick around to learn more...I just hope you understand why I feel this way.

Thank you so much for your insight Michelle. You are very right about the support issues. Too many girls and families of the girls feel they need to do "other" things with their lives and so abortion or adoption seem the only "right" thing to do. But I truly agree with you. They need to understand that a child, while very much a responsibility, is a wonderful blessing. There can be many people in the lives of these unwed moms and dads to help support them and the baby while they work to get things in order for the baby blessing. God Bless

Kmichelle, You did a great job of expressing how you felt that time. You are right in many of your feelings. I do though think that if "adoption" is one of the things discussed in the posts you've read that is because this is an adoption website. I would think that if someone is here asking for advice then yes that would be one of the suggestions. Now abortion I haven't seen it suggested (not that it hasn't). In my opinion you are one in many young women that would admit being ready for a family. That is why abortion is so common. I wish more young women would take on the maturity you have. Unfortunatly most are not. Alot of young mothers are unwed, uneducated, and do not feel ready to have children like you mentioned in your post.. The fact of being financially unstable is a scary thought when faced with pregnancy. And it is sad but society is not ready to be opened armed to an unwed mother. In my opinion Adoption is a option that should be considored and I would offer it to any young girl faced with pregnancy. It is strange because I don't know anyone that would suggest that you adopt before asking if you were ready to be a mother and keep your baby. Infact I think I would wait to hear what you wanted to do before I even suggested anything. Shame on anyone that didn't wait to hear your choice before offerring that you weren't able to care for your own child. But again my point is that you are rare. How many of your friends would rather start a family at 18 or just live the life of most young adults. I don't know very many and I do know many young girls your age. You have a rough road ahead of you, being as young as you are, but I respect your choice to be responsible and keep your child. Again you are one among many who would do so. Also in our joking if we have offended you I am sorry,, sometimes it is hard to remember that even if the one posting is a fake there may be other young ones reading the advice. Alot of us take this forum very personally and that is one way for us to lighten things up. We put our feelings and hearts out there for everyone to read and when we feel like our situations are made into a joke it isn't easy to swallow. Anyways Best Wishes for you Andi

Originally posted by KMichelle24: I don't mean to nit-pick, but that statement just rubbed me the wrong way. Every birthmother on this forum who has relinquished a child has had to face the reality of not being able (for a variety of reasons) to raise their "own flesh and blood" child. That, IMO,does make us lesser individuals than those who did end up parenting, yet your statement seems to disregard those of us who actually chose adoption as the best option for ourselves and our child. (Not all did, nor am I saying that). As for the topic of the thread, I DID try...for 6 months. Once the reality hit me that my "flesh and blood" was becoming a victim of my instability and inability to properly provide for her, I knew it was time to focus on HER future and put HER needs first. While it is true that social services can provide financial assistance, it can not MAKE one mature...nor change the reality of some situations. My daughter got pregnant at 16. We covered all of the options available to her, from parenting to adoption to abortion. She chose to parent. I supported her (as well as her decision) from the day she chose her option. Today I have a beautiful, intelligent, happy and well-adjusted 13 year old grandaughter as a result. Had she chosen adoption, I would have supported her through that as well. Two different situations, two different decisions...both (IMO) noble and with good outcomes. The assumption that ALL situations are best handled by the bio parent parenting are just an illusion, IMO. We did not judge you...none of us even know your situation. Please extend the same courtesy to those of us who have made different decisions. Adoption is not a crime, just an option. If I am misreading your tone, please forgive me. I hope you will have many years of happiness and a home filled with love. ~Deb

kmichelle,I'm not sure I understand. If you have already stated that you will be parenting your baby , then why are you looking on the adoption forums in the first place? While this is certainly the place for parenting tips and helpfull suggestions, it usually begins with someone who has some how been touched by adoption. Please let me clarify by saying that ANYONE can certainly find help in this forum. But it is still an adoption forum. I haven't been here very long but I can honestly say that I have only seen complete support given for pregnant women of ALL ages.

kmichelle, I to have asked you before what has brought you to the adoption forums, I am not trying to confront you, but the more I read from you i am still wanting to know what brought you here. Myccg has a point this can be for everyone. Her post did remind me of the ? of why you are here. Did you come here to look at adoption. I am not being confrontive I am just wondering if that is what brought you here. I am assuming your answer is No because you have stated you plan to keep your child and feel ready for parenthood. But if it has entered your mind please let us know. I am just wondering please no confrintation I am just asking?

Kmichelle24 I know the post you're talking about and believe it or not there were birth mothers who responded to that one. He wasn't being judged for what he put .... rather the concern was that he wasn't being serious about the situation. If this is true then he shouldn't have posted as there are plenty of genuine young people who are frightened,scared, alone who do need support. I'm sorry that you was bothered by that thread but if you had asked why the posters had put what they did they would have quite happily explained then you would have been reassured they weren't judging him/all young people. Pip :)

First of all, I think those who took my "flesh and blood" comment as me saying that those who choose adoption are somehow lesser than those who choose parenting really took what I said the wrong way. I'm sorry that I offended you but really...I in no way was trying to say that. What I meant was that as a pregnant woman who was already scared, it hurt me that most people automatically assumed I wasn't capable of raising my own child just because of my age. Adoption can be a wonderful option and I understand that there are many situations in which it is the best choice, I just meant that it hurts a lot of girls when older people just assume they aren't capable. I don't look at myself as having a tough road ahead of me...I don't really feel that my age is any determinate of how my future will be and I look at this experience just as any parent of any age would...a blessing that came at just the right time (God brought this baby here at this time for a reason)...actually, I have 2 friends with children that live just here in this little rural town with me...one is 18, the same as me, and one is a year younger than me. Both of them are wonderful mothers and most people think they're in their mid 20s, just by their maturity level. I just get offended at the thought that anyone would assume that age has anything to do with the ability of motherhood. Maturity and willingness are what really determines that...the only reason I said in my other posts that "its quite possible this person just stumbled onto this forum" is because I put in a search for pregnancy help and actually came up with this exact forum. I do respect birthmothers...the whole reason I'm here is because my close friend is considering adoption and I feel she's being pressured into it by her mother who tried and couldn't get pregnant until she was 36 and who I feel is just a little bit jealous of the fact that her younger and what she considers "unready" daughter got pregnant so easily...I've talked to this woman and that's just the impression I get....I was hoping to gather some information from this forum to relay to her...both the positives and negatives of parenting and adoption. With 2 goddaughters, 1 godson, and another godchild on the way (not to mention my own child on the way) I've seen a lot of young people go through a lot of pain they didn't need to...adoption is right for many people...I just find it upsetting that many young people don't recieve the support they need to make the right decision...I'm in no way saying any of you deny that support or have made desicions due to lack of that support...I just didn't know you guys were sure that person was a fake so you can understand how I would find it unsupportive. There's no need to defend your own parenting decisions...I'm not here to judge them, only to learn from them.

's okay Michelle, that thread probably should have been reported to a moderator to close immediately. I really hope that your friend doesnt get pressured to do something she doesnt want to do. If she doesnt want to place her child and does, I think that is emotionally a bajillion times harder than if someone made the decision without being forced or pressured into it. I know some people say to younger pregnant woment to make lists. They say make a list of all the things that are good about keeping a baby and the things that are good about placing. I think those "lists" are crud. To see your baby smile is pure bliss. I'd have to write it on a list at least 300 or 400 times. I'd write dirty diapers down on the negative side only once or twice. It's cruddy, but it's not that bad. Sleepless nights are worth being written down about 50 to 60 times, but we still havent even come close to how many times I've written down seeing that litte life smile... I hope for you and your friend that no one suggests these "lists" and I hope your friend follows her heart (whichever choice that may be) rather than her mothers. I hope the best for you in your pregnancy also. I was a teen parent. It sucked for me. It didnt suck for my daughter. My daughter is a wonderful healthy smart young girl (top of her class in math... just like her mommy was :D ). She has not at all been adversly affected by my keeping her. I was. My life had to be put on hold. I didnt go to college. I tried, but I couldnt do it. Some can, I couldnt. Years later, I was about to have my second. My daughter was in kindergarden (when I said I'd go back to college because I wouldnt have to pay day care anymore) and realized that I'd never go to college if I kept my second. Adoption wasnt the easiest thing in the world to do. But for me, it was best. I just hope for my second daughter that adoption was best for her.

As you know I have responded more fully in a pm but just to reaffirm what I put in that, stick with us. I was one of those 'pressured' young women so know what it was like to go through this. Even 24 years on it is still painful at times to remember what I went through even though I have got through to the other side of the tunnel and in reunion. Stick with us for your own sake as much as your friend as you will need as much support as you can get. Pip :)

I can understand what you mean...I wouldn't give my child up for anything...I'm already so attached...but I still wonder what it would be like to go to college and to really accomplish something career-wise. I'm glad everything worked out for you :) I gave my friend two websites...a link to this forum...and one to justmommies.com ....I think she really wants to keep her baby but I told her to just read the posts and to think about what she wants before she says anything. I just hope she makes the right decision for herself....thanks for you good wishes for my pregnancy. Take care, all of you.

KMichelle: Congratulations on your soon-to-be baby. You sound so excited about your pregnancy and I'm glad that you've thought through your options and decided that parenting is right for you. I'm an amom and believe me when I say that it must have been the most difficult decision in the world for my son's birthmom not to parent him. Under her circumstances, however, I know she made the right choice for her child...now my child. Reading her rationale in the family court report really touched me and it was clear that she wanted to parent but was unable to do so. (international adoption where resources are not available like they are here.) I understand how it must come across when someone leaps to the assumption that you wouldn't want to parent...must be very hurtful. It's possible that people see you're scared and they try to "fix" that situation by offering alternatives that they might choose in your place. I wish you the best. I'm a very proud, very happy adoptive mom and appreciate you lending your perspective. Kelley

KMichelle, I don't know if you are still reading this thread, but I think I understand your frustration. My daughter and her son are living with me and her Dad. When our daughter was trying to decide about her baby, she had a very difficult time finding WEB sites that provide unbiased support with regards to adoption vs parenting. The message that she was getting was that she was helpless, stupid, poor, sinful and would destroy her future by burdening herself with a child, was cheating her child out of a decent future, was cheating her child out of a 2-parent family. Blah, blah, blah. Most sites told her that as a "birthmother" she would be "in control" and was being brave, noble, strong for giving her child the best by NOT raising him herself. In fact, she was afraid but felt that she wanted to keep her baby and was only seeking some encouragement that she could be a good mother. She found little of that on the WEB. Why? Because no one makes $$$s by helping young parents-to-be keep their children. We found that our best support came from friends who are single parents. What awesome people! I gave my daughter's email address to them, and she got loads of advice and encouragement. We told her that we would help regardless of what she decided and gave her space to make her decision herself. In the end, she decided to try parenting first. Her son is 4 months old and I have never seen her happier. She is taking a 1 semester break from college and will return part-time in the spring. It's been rough and she has a long way to go, but she is an incredible Mom. I am so proud of her. Enjoy that baby! Happy G'Ma