Grief and a 3yo

We had a similar reaction with our then 3 year old to Bambi (ugh big mistake that was!!!) who had been recently placed with us. His grief would come out at very different times (sometimes baffling times). I think you have taken the right approach -- I would simply comfort him and maybe say over and over again "Sometimes you feel sad because you miss ..." or "Its good to cry when we are feeling sad inside". My kids wouldnt listen to words at those times, but if I sung the same thing in a made up song while I comforted them it would often help them to keep getting that grief out. Sounds like you are doing a good job. Jen

Thanks, it's good to hear that it may be just typical grief processing. Of course I wish none of them had to go through it, but it's also hard just because you don't know about their past and I wonder is it grief, or is there more??? Anyway, thanks again! JohnnaMJH

You know...I don't think I would always equate this behavior with 'grieving for what was'. Of the seven children...four have been baby adoptions. The movies you have listed are pretty intense (IMO)....and being three...a child can still have a tough time realizing 'what's real, and what's pretend'. The sobbing may be because the movie is just so intense in any emotion, the child can't find any other way to express him/herself. KWIM? Shoot.....as an adult visitng Disneyland for the first time (years ago).....I had tears coming down my face. Why? Because as a kid, visiting Disneyland was such a 'thrill of a thought'.......watching ol' Walt on Sunday evenings, etc. To be in my twenties....finally doing something I had longed for as a little kid......was a bit overwhelming. So, here I was. I wasn't grieving.......just 'overwhelmed'. And so......having a 3 and 2yr old now (and we've already raised two babies into adulthood).....I can say that sometimes they cry over frustration, fear, anxiety, etc....but not 'grief'. Sometimes as adoptive parents...we tend to look at things 'too deeply'...when, in fact, oftentimes (though not always) the actions of our children are just actions of a child...and nothing more. :) Sincerely, Linny

I would not dismiss the possibility that this child is grieving. The movies he is watching may help trigger the tears, but the grief that is rising to the surface is very real. Your child suffered many losses before he came to you. This is one of the often unspoken and unaddressed sides of adoption - adoptee loss and grief. Even adoptees relinquished at birth can experience this loss and grief. I would recommend that you gets some books on this subject to help you. You can't take away his grief, but you can be a haven for him in his grieving and you can validate his losses for him. When my son found me after 20 years of separation, it was very clear that he had grieved and was continuing to grieve the loss of his first family (I relinquished him at birth). Of course, every adoptee is different in the way they experience and handle their grief and loss. My son repressed a lot until his teenage years. His amom actually initiated the search for me because of the pain he was in. His adoptive parents had not recognized or validated his grief until shortly before they searched for me, and they had a very hard time acknowledging that he had experienced any losses through adoption. They had bought the adoption myth of "all good for everybody" lock, stock and barrel. I shared books on adoptee pain and loss with his adoptive mom - she cried when she read them. It was as if the author had written the books about and for my son - he and his issues were laid out before us. It was agonizing for all of us. But the important thing was that his grief and losses be acknowledged and validated, and I tried to do that to the best of my ability. I can tell from your e-mail that you are trying to do that for your son as well. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your son.