Being SURE

Thank you all soooooo much for your responses. They really helped. I find myself going back and reading them whenever I have doubts. Today a funny thing happened. I have been moving forward with the paperwork, thinking I could always back out. I hit a wall this afternoon and got a piece of information that means I may not be able to adopt. When I heard it, I was IMMEDIATELY holding back tears. I was surprised by how deeply it hit me. I guess I'm more invested already than I realized! As a side note, I've now had a few hours to think about it and talk it out with my local "girls." I've decided it's just one more hurdle I'm meant to get past before I can have my baby in my arms!

Hi ..... I am 43 and completed my daughter's adoption from Russia on Jan. 25th, 2005. I met her during a Summer Hosting Program, and I can honestly tell you, when I saw her little face at the airport, I KNEW!!!! When she arrived last summer, she was almost 8 years old, and weighed all of 36 lbs! God had brought her to me through a series of angles(people), and that was it. I tooo have all of the regular concerns, as I think Biological parent(s) have about $$$, being single (just the two of us), let alone a language barrier (no more), etc. Deep in my heart, I knew that this is what I was to do. I can honestly say, I have NEVER been happier in my LIFE!!! Yep, I am still trying to find my 'groove' (working full time, school - 2nd grade), chores, doll biz from home, and most of all HOMEWORK with my daughter. THERE IS NO HANDBOOK FOR PARENTS.... We all find our way, and do what WE feel is best for our child(ren)! My family and friends have been wonderful, and I thought that I would rely heavily on them for advise, but that hasn't happend. I had always wanted to be a Mom, and thought it would happen the "traditional" way. Husband, 2.5 children, white picket fence, etc..... This apparently was not my road to follow! I am soooo greatful.... My daughter and I found each other, and everything else will fall into place!

I'm in a similiar positon. I'm 40, and have been thinking about adopting from China for the last 10 years, and finally started the process this year. Just starting the homestudy now. I'm so relieved to have found this forum, and realize that others share the same doubts and worries that I do. That made me feel better. I also have a really supportive family and friends, who have been more than willing to let me vent about my worries. I don't know if anyone is ever really "sure" but I know I want to be a Mom more than anything else in the world.

Greetings, I am 42, just adopted an infant domestically through a private agency. We've been together since she was a day old, and finalized last Wednesday, a week before she turns 6 months old! My experience is that I've known for the past 12 years or that I could not bear a child, and pretty much resigned myself to not having children. I never really saw myself as mom material--I had what I like to call "a prolonged adolescence." But I noticed that many of the activities I'd enjoyed with friends were feeling hollow--I distinctly remembered feeling it when camping with my sister, just this huge sense that a child was missing from the experience, and that all little things I did for self weren't terribly fulfilling anymore. I did not have a bad life, by any means, but it was missing something. I also had this distinct feeling that I was not going to be able to grow beyond a certain point spiritually without experience being a parent. I don't think that's true for everyone, but I really felt like I was going to miss out fully being the person I'm here to be. I started looking into adoption about a year ago--a dear friend and spiritual mentor pointed out to me that I really seemed to have a kid void, and suggested I take a look at it. That's when i started to explore ways I could have kids in my life. I went to the library and got some books on different ways to make a difference in children's lives, Big Brothers/Big sisters, mentoring, foster parenting, and adopting. I prayed alot. I found Lee Varon's book, Adopting on your Own: the Complete Guide to Adopting as a Single Parent, very helpful--I liked most of the exercises in it, they helped me both look inside, and look at what resources I might need to improve upon in my life. I was scared to death through the whole process, but I think that all that is my mind. My soul said press on, and so I did. I researched alot of agencies, and whether to go international or domestic, and decided to look further into domestic, transracial adoption. I read a few more books, talked to a couple parents, watched some videos, and nearly decided that I wouldn't be able to handle some of the additional responsibilities I'd be taking on to ensure that my child's needs would be met (I'm white). But at another level I just felt like it was the direction I was supposed to go, and I made a commitment that I would do what I could, and be willing to step out of my comfort zone for my child. I applied in December 2005, homestudy visits were finished in February, final report and my Dear B-Parents letter/photo book done in March, by April 9th I received a phone call about a baby girl born the April 8th, and her situation came up right here in Idaho, and so I would not need to travel... I met with her birth mom an hour later, and by 10 pm I was up in the nursery, holding this beautiful little baby girl that I could not believe they were going to let me take home. I had nothing, and I mean NOTHING for a new baby--I was reading the toddler adoption books, sure that I would not be placed with an infant. My sister still was renting a room in my house (the baby's room), and my house was a disaster as I hadn't figured I'd be bringing home a baby on Sunday! My family was all out of state, including the sister who lived in town, that weekend. My friends rallied--2 showed up at midnight at my house and set up a bassinett; at the hospital the next day other friends brought a car seat (oh yeah!), diapers, clothes, and about 3 bags of receiving blankets. They loaded up my Jeep Wrangler with the baby in the backseat the next day, and by 4 pm, less than 24 hours after I got that phone call, my Jasmine daughter and I were home. There have been moments since then when I've felt overwhelmed, insecure and sleep deprived, sure that I made a terrible mistake--for her sake. Then I cry, talk to friends and family who reassure me that we are doing well. I have no idea how my mortgage payment is getting paid each month. In addition to the payment on my Home equity LOC, which I used to pay the adoption fees, I lost my sister's rental income ($400/month) and incurred another $100 in formula, diapers, etc, as well as a $370/month daycare since she turned 3 months old. I am lucky--my employer lets me work from home 2 days a week, so I don't have to have FT daycare--yet. Sometimes I get a little behind on my bills, but we still have gas, electricity and a phone! And there's food in the fridge, and though my van (yes, I swapped out the Wrangler) is 10 years old, it runs fine. My house is tiny, but we fit. I work in the non-profit world, and don't make a lot of money. But I was always broke before when i had disposable income, so it's not all THAT much different. I believe that we are taken care of--I earn some extra money on the side doing some graphic design work now and then, and I started selling Discovery toys on the side and do demo parties a few times a month. We do okay, though I'm not exactly sure how. She's worth it --she'd be worth it if I needed to sell my house and move to an apartment for cheaper rent, or get a new job, if I needed to earn more money. Follow your heart. That was way too long.... but there it is. Brendamom to Jasmine, b. 4/8/05

Well, it's good to know there are others in the same boat, or having been in the same boat, that I'm in. I have questioned and questioned myself about the thought of adopting as a single woman. I'm 47 (for 3 more weeks), and while I still would love to be married and try for a biological child (I know the risks with age, but I'm an L&D nurse and can't imagine not having at least one baby), I also know that I've thought about adopting since I was 10. I keep praying, and hoping for a definite answer. I have worries, but the biggest ones are money and time. I haven't got daycare costs figured out on top of the mortgage, and as an L&D nurse, I have to take call (which we are praying will decrease or go away!), so the hours can be over 40 a week. I am currently working on my master's with the hope of not having to work weekends and holidays, as well as having a better salary. My mom lives with me, and my sister and her family are only one mile away. I know Mom would look after a child so I could shower, etc., and she is supportive of my adopting (though she also prays I'll find the right man). Unfortunately she is 89 with only fair health, and I'm her primary caregiver. I have been the one to sit in the hospital with her 99% of the time through strokes, heart problems, etc. I feel I could leave a child with my brother in law or sister (who unfortunately travels with her work) if there were an emergency, but I worry about it anyway. I know my b in law would like to be a male influence for my child, and that my child would be loved by my family. I guess I have to admit that my biggest worry is whether I'd actually feel like a mother. I've always dreamed of getting married and having children, and know I have maternal feelings, but I've tamped them down for so long. My niece, who is now 9, and I really bonded, but I was very aware/reminded myself she was not my child, and knocked the feelings down once again. Also, I've helped deliver and care for thousands of babies, and have often had close feelings for babies I cared for who couldn't go home yet, but always knowing this is not my baby. I don't want to make a mistake and screw up two lives. I would appreciate any advice, insight. Thank you, Nancy

From the start of my process, I knew that as a single guy I would pretty much be confined to older child adoption. This was fine by me, as 2am feedings, diapers, and Barney just aren't my thing. My homestudy was a pretty smooth process and I was approved to adopt just after I turned 31. My worker gave me a copy of my homestudy so that I could do some of the legwork. Seven months later, i was matched with C who was almost 13. He's turning 17 in two weeks. I can't believe how fast time flew!! I was matched with J just before his 16th birthday and he moved in last May. For me, there was no real "Epiphany Moment". This was just something I knew I wanted to do and decided that the time was right when I got started. And, yes, there were bumps all along the way. Some were more like mountains than bumps, but we've gotten through them. In the end, there is nothing better in this world than sharing your life with your kids. Best of Luck Mike

Nancy, you really have your hands full! The one thing I have learned through my adoption is that no matter how well you plan, the plans will change. I am a big forward thinker. Before I bought home my DD I planned out everything. I had an hour commute, so I planned out our dinners, bedtimes, everything. The one thing I knew for sure it that I would never move. I loved my neighbors and the suppot they provided. Well, 15 months after DD came home, we moved! So, all I can say is sometimes you just have to go for it. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but it has proven most beneficial in my second adoption. Nothing in this adoption is as I would have planned or wanted. But now, I can see it no other way. Good luck. Kay

Nancy, giving birth doesn't make you bond any more with a child than adoption does. I can't image ever loving my son more, I was with him from the time he was 9 days old and he hasn't left my side since. Well you know what I mean. He goes to preschool after my mom watched him at my house for the first 2 and 1/2 years. I was kind of in your shoes, I knew I wanted children more than anything in the world but because of the bonding I had with my nieces and nephews I knew I could adopt and be happy as well, the most important think is being a parent, being mommy, not how that mechanically happened didn't mean as much to me. Have confidence in yourself and if you are ready jump right in things just seem to happen when they are suppose to. When I turned 39, I decided I would begin the adoption journey, started the homestudy process etc, signed with an attorney and when after 15 months of nothing, I signed with an agency, well my son was home with me six weeks after that and I had nothing ready not even a diaper, he was born 5 weeks early, but it all came together and although at times it is the hardest job I do, it is so worth it, especially the hugs.... Good luck with whatever you decide.

Nancy: I am also 47. Unlike you, it has been a very long time since I really thought I wanted to get married. So, having pretty much committed to being single, I just did not examine my feelings about wanting children. I had been pretty close to neices and nephews that lived in other towns. When my sister that lives in the same city decided to have kids, I thought that being an especially close aunt would fill that gap. And although I love them like crazy, I came to realize that it would never be like having children of my own. When I decided to pursue adoption my biggest concerns were (and still are) how am going to handle all that comes on my own? But I did a bunch of reading and online classes and started through the process. I have completed my homestudy and am pretty much through with my dossier (I am going international). My advice would be to read, read, read - if you have not. Then if you still think it might be right, start the process. My homestudy agency required an extensive autobiography that required me to think about almost every aspect of my life and raising a child and put it on paper. And I've had to write out some big checks. The process itself has milestones that really help you make sure. Like when you wipe out most of your saving. As you are cleaning you entire house for the home study visit. Now, I still worry about the logistics of some days, but I am also more confident every day that I am on the right track. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

hope you don't mind a married person throwing in her two cents :) . we had doubts throughout the entire process. it is that type of process, long and expensive, with many things to worry about. I think that's normal. trust your heart :) . and nancy, it's amazing, but the minute that little one is placed in your care you instantly become a mom-it frightened me a tad and scared my friends to death :D . good luck guys! lisa

I started looking into adopting as a single parent last year. Somewhere in between checking out agencies and obsessively pouring over online photos of waiting kids around the world, I went to a fertility doctor to check things out, so I could make an educated decision on how to bring a child into my life. I have a birth defect that would prevent me from carrying a pregnacy to term, and I was actually sort of relieved to have that confirmed--I am 42, and really felt wierd about the idea of paying thousands of dollars for a slim chance of getting pregnant, when I know that there are so many kids in the world or on their way into it that need a loving family. I was adopted myself, so I know it's a perfectly normal way of building a family. I started the paperwork and homestudy with an agency last December, and by April 10, I was driving home with a 2 day old infant strapped into a borrowed carseat in the back of my Jeep Wrangler. My homestudy had barely been completed, and I was still making the last payments on my fertility testing! Ha. My daughter Jasmine is the light of my life, and I can't imagine not having her in my family. I have only one sister who lives near me--and she's 15 miles away and definitely not a baby person. I work for a conservation organization (IE, non-profit, not high paying) and have found a way to work out having my daughter in daycare 3 days a week, and work from home 2 days a week. I have friends who gave me free babysitting coupons at my baby shower, which gave me 'permission' to call and ask for help to watch Jasmine now and then. I like to be self-sufficient, but I had to get help. My mom stayed with me when the baby was 3 weeks-6 weeks old, my dad was here for a week of that too (they live out of state). I can't say it's been easy, but my daughter has been worth every sleepless night. I have found that things fell into place--I quit my job for a new job 3 weeks after I came back from family leave (which wasn't FT off--I worked 20 hours a week during the 'leave' so I could extend that to 12 weeks) and got a new job that is not as demanding and they knew I had new baby before I hired on--and the new boss has kids, whereas the old boss did not. The things that didn't fit in my life fell away, and same with people--and now new people are in our lives. I have close friends who helped me through the decision phase, and told me, if you wait til you're ready, you'll never have kids. No one is every prepared for the full impact of parenthood, I don't think--but that's the way life is--you have to be in a situation to become the person that role in your life demands you to be. One more thing, my daughter was home with me for about 3 - 4 weeks before I started to feel like I 'loved' her. Good luck! Brendamom to Jasmine, b. 4/8/05, adoption finalized 9/18/05.

I feel the same way sometimes - but then I think of how sick I am of my single life. I've been to enough parties and clubs to last a lifetime. I'm tired of waiting for Mr. Right and have dated enough Mr. Wrong's to know that now is the time for me to create my own family instead of waiting for someone to come and rescue me. The only time I question the decision is on a Saturday when I'm still in bed at 11:00 a.m. -- but then I realize -- that I should be up and about anyway! Good luck!!

Oh, how right you are, gone are the days of sleeping period. Even though my son is 3 and 1/2 he just slept thru the night for the first time right before he was 3, and even though I finally got him to sleep (sometimes) in his bed, he still wakes up every morning in between 1 and 3 a.m. and then he is up and at it at 6:30 a.m. everyday, no matter what time he goes to bed. Oh the pleasure of sleeping in.... but you know what I wouldn't trade a minute of it; for a million mornings of sleeping in so you are right it is so worth it, and they will grow up some day and sleep all night....right?

Thank you so much for starting this thread. I am single and in the throes of an International adoption that has not gone smoothly. My decision to adopt as a single did come as an "epiphany", and came with an overwhelming sense of confidence that "it would all work out, somehow". Hah! That feeling lasted until I met with my homestudy social worker. She freaked me out. I spent days pacing the floor, talking to friends, gnashing my teeth, crying, reading adoption sites, reading adoption books and praying. And again, I developed the sense that, yes, I could do it. I could do it by taking the hurdles one at a time. I met my son nearly a year ago- in an orphanage nearly half way around the world. I fell hard. It was a totally different feeling than holding nieces and nephews and friends' kids. I felt instantly protective and responsible for him. I knew we were meant to be. Fast forward nearly a year and I am still waiting to bring him home. The ups and downs of the waiting and all of the disappointments have left me with panic attacks (nothing I had experienced in the past). Now, it looks like I will bringing him home in the next 3-4 months! I had nearly given up. But, now I am terrified. I have lost my confidence. I feel like I have used up all of my coping abilities in the last year just trying to get through all of the disappointments. It is so helpful to read this thread and hear of everyone else's uncertainties, and know that I am not alone in my insecurity. thank you.

Thanks so much to all of you for your great responses! Good luck to those of you (us) still working on the whole process. As an update... On Thursday, I had a meeting with the woman who is in charge of every single adoption that happens in Mali. She told me that I could possibly be a mom in the next 6 weeks, she'll try hard to make it happen before June (I'm a teacher - end of the school year), and definitely by the end of 2006. Yaaaaaaay, me! I spend so much time reassuring my old-white-man-Republican father that the baby and I won't be living in a box and eating beans that I don't have time to doubt myself anymore. Besides, if I can handle the bureaucracies from two countries, I can handle a kid ;)