Going forward seventeen years after the adoption

BMTexas

Before long I find myself crying, reliving the whole thing.

But you know something??? It really doesn't matter now. I still made the decision and I have to live with my decision no matter how unfair it was.

Getting angry about what happened all those years ago helped me.. I know that when I gave my son up I was not allowed to show my emotions.. I was not allowed to grieve in front of my parents.. I just pushed my grief back the best way I could.. It became an automatic response.. Now days I watch myself and make sure or try to make sure I do feel the sadness or whatever.. Make sure I do not just make light of what is going on and push it back.. And maybe try not to feel guilty when I do push it back.. I think it (the stuffed negative emotion) comes out in different ways and situations.. I know I become triggered when someone does not validate what I am feeling.. or saying or doing.. Or says to me.. Stop getting angry!Ӕ I am resentful of that.. I do not see why the person is telling me to stop.. I just feel put upon or belittled.. In my mind (sometimes insane thinking) this has nothing to do with what happened all those years ago.. But it does.. It has to.. I think those memories need to be validated.. written about and discussed.. Looked at from your now eyesђ Looked at from the place of who you are now.. Would you do to a human being what was done to you? (and I do not know what happened to you but I can guess) I would not.. I would never do that (what my parents did) to a daughter of mine.. Never.. I would encourage her to grieve.. I would be with her through the whole thing.. I would take care of her as a mother should.. or heck as a father should.. I think getting angry at what happened is the way out.. I remember reading once..ŔThe only way out is through. Jackie

Thank you for your reply. I agree that at some time we need to evaluate our feelings and what really happpened to us back then, and yes get mad. I got mad too. What I'm saying is we don't need to stay in that state of anger and let this whole thing consume us. I am a Christian and one of the hardest things I've found to do is to forgive those people who made me or at least convinced me that I was unworthy to be her mother, especially when those same people like to come to me now and remind me. It's hard not to hate them, I know. But hate and continual anger will only bring us down. It will only tear down what I want to accomplish in my life. I want to be happy and it's hard to be happy if there is someone in my life with whom I'm so angry at that I can't seem to tear away from the anger. So I choose to forgive them and look forward to better things. I want contentment in my life. I can't be content if I keep wanting what I can't have. I want a future with my daughter and I want her to see a mature, happy, successful, and content woman. I think anger would be seen as negative by her if she does decide to contact me later. "Love covers a multitude of sins"- Rhonda

Rhondda, I was pressured into having my son .... I was 19 and had a job so could have supported him financially as well as emotionally but it wasn't to be. My parents were adament he was to be adopted, didn't have support from anybody else then endured 23 years of silence as that's the way my parents wanted it. When I found my son last year, he was actually searching, it opened the flood gates for my emotions which was long overdue. It took months to work through the worst of it and now I almost feel sorrow for my parents. They have contact with my son but it is as if they can't move on with their lives and they have never really talked about him with me since reunion. I still have my bad days but I have moved on so it is much easier to deal with bad days. Pip :)

Thank you for your reply. I'm sure reuniting will open up a whole flood of emotions. It's hard to imagine what that will be like for me. Maybe your parents are feeling some guilt over pressuring you to give your son up. (Just a guess). Maybe I'm not ready for this reunitig. For so long I haven't been able to see her or talk to her and she has grown up without me, what would a meeting do for the both of us? I wonder. I wonder if 18 might be too young; she's still under their wings, doing what they want, in their house, etc. If we do meet next year I can forsee it being very controlled. I would like to talk to her alone and not be afraid to say things because her parents are there. What was your meeting with your son like? Rhonda

Rhonda, I do understand how you feel, I went through similar feelings particularly when I knew my son was 18 so could search for me off his own accord. Over your thoughts about being ready for reunion I don't think any of us are whether we are birth mothers or adoptees. I know I wasn't particularly as I didn't expect to find my son and naively thought I would either receive a letter from him or from an intermediary first. What made our reunion more complicated was that my son had found my family shortly after starting his search. It's a long story why they didn't tell him where I was or tell me they had contact with him. It is impossible to know when your daughter will be ready to want to have contact/meet you as all adoptees are different and their home lives are completely different. Although my son searched from the age of 18 I don't think he was really prepared for the impact of reunion would have on his life. He was also relatively young for a male adoptee to be searching. I remember the first time I met my son and all I wanted to do was hug him but held back. We had already been building on our relationship which included telephone calls. Once we got over the initial awkwardness it was great just to be ourselves although I did get a bit tearful with some photographs he gave me. One was of him as a young baby and it brought memories flooding back of me holding him in hospital. I had an infection so only got to spend time with him on one day before being discharged from hospital. At that point he hugged me and it was such a special moment, I didn't want to let go but of course I did. It did bring us even closer together and more relaxed. We did get to meet a couple of times after that but my son went to Canada (I'm in the UK) in December to go to university. We still have regular contact and will meet up again when he comes back to the UK Pip :)

I guess I just wanted to add my support....Its a hard place to be at 17yrs. I think for me it will be about as hard as the first year. I'm sure its all you think about and analyze and wonder and it drives you crazy. I guess in my mind I chose adoptive parents to guide my child through 18 years of his life. I already plan to knock on thier door at 4:35 in the afternoon the day and minute he turns 18yrs. I guess what I have learned whith all this is that we have nothing left to loose. We only have empty arms to fill. I know my son is part of me and will feel the connection between us when we meet. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't think that. I have to think that he will welcome me into his life. I don't expect to take over as his mom, but I do expect a relationship with him. I know with my little brother who I found 3 years ago I have never expected a brother sister relationship but rather just a relationship. We are connected and he feels it also. Remember we never choose our family they just part of who we are good or bad. I'm glad you try to stay positive and happy. Its hard especially when working though everything to not HATE and be bitter. People suck but hey thats them not us. Not sure if any of this makes sence. Just a my thoughts. Loveccl

Sometimes being in the present means grieving... And sometimes grieving means starting over with the pain. Grief, being so cyclic does not necessarily cycle until depletion, but just gives you the pain, anger, sadness, acceptance, etc over and over. There is moving on, putting behind you, and there is healing. Sometimes they are the same. Don't beat yourself up over not having forgiveness for the liars. Who is the Master of Lies anyway? Hrmmmm. Forgive them for being misled into their lies, but you can still be angry as heck that you were lied to. Betrayal of your trust & naivete (or coercion, etc) is betrayal. This is hard to get over. Maia

BMTexas

I am a Christian and one of the hardest things I've found to do is to forgive those people who made me or at least convinced me that I was unworthy to be her mother, especially when those same people like to come to me now

and remind me. It's hard not to hate them, I know. But hate and continual anger will only bring us down. It will only tear down what I want to accomplish in my life.

Hello Rhonda Do they remind you of how unworthy you are or were? I guess they are justifying their actions at that time.. Excuse themselves from responsibility.. Responsibility for not allowing you to make the decision..(I am just guessing here) I saw that in my mom.. I saw her excusing herself when there was no excuse.. She said words (at the very last minute) but her actions and deeds were set very firmly in the direction of my giving my son up.. There are so many dynamics in this.. and heck this is a sideline in the big picture.. this is dealing with the business of who did what to whom when the relinquishment went down.. Protect the self.. Make sure they never ever do it again.. That.. to me.. is the path to forgiveness.. Jackie

... and I'll write it again ... Forgiveness doesn't mean allowing those who hurt you to "get away" with what they did. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves so that we, as empowered individuals, can move forward. We are not forgiving for "their" sake - - we are taking a stand and by forgiving - we are stating .... I am not a victim. I forgive you mom for turning me out at 14. I forgive you dad for letting me drive 5 hours away with a boy 6 years older than me. I forgive you, stranger, for raping me on the first night I ever got drunk. I forgive you Colorado Christian Agency for lying to me about what open adoption meant. I forgive you Don and Marcia for not keeping your promises to me. My forgiveness does not equate your redemption. My forgiveness allows me to remove myself from the cycle of anger and self-destruction due to the unbareable pain - in order to live ... to love ... to believe in God's Promise that everything happens for a reason and that He gives us nothing more than He knows we can handle. For purpose. For healing. For all of us .... Birthmothers Healing, Success and Recovery. Written ... years ago .... in my living room - through my own tears ..... by me. Raven. kutebutpsych0@yahoo.com

Still going forward, and she's 24 now!!! We have started talking on facebook after a 2year time of falling away. She has not asked for a meeting. I don't know if she ever will. But the important thing is she IS talking to me now, and I just love it and thank Jesus for working in her heart.

Have you done much reading about ambiguous loss? It has helped me understand so much of what I have gone through over the past nineteen years as a natural mother. I am glad to hear your daughter has opened back up to you again and wish you both the best of luck as you work to rebuild a relationship that should have never be severed.

I'm not sure if you are still on the boards, RavensPerch, but regardless, thank you for this. These were just the words I needed to hear today.

Hi there "sostinkinhappy", no, I have not read anything about ambiguous loss. What is that?

sostinkinhappy, I totally agree. When I first heard this term and then started researching its meaning it started a pattern of healing for me. BMTexas, This will help get you started: [url]http://www.mnadopt.org/Factsheets/Understanding%20%20Ambiguous%20Loss.pdf[/url] Also, if you haven't read "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Verrier I highly recommend it. That book was a game-changer for me. It took all of my feelings that I had and verified them and made it so I didn't feel so lost or wrong or ashamed of my feelings. Peace to you.

Thank you , moonbeam 1, daughter has decided to take herself off facebook....probably to get away from me expressing my anger and telling her what *really* happened at that church. I've been angry again after she did that. I've been venting ever since then. We were just starting to talk and I must have said something to make her want to end the conversation between us. It was just a short-lived victory and now the door is shut again. I was told I needed to just stuff my feelings too, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal. I have been so angry. And now she doesn't want to hear from me. I am cut off again, not by her parents but by her.