how does adoption work?

Hi Pluma, Congratulations on your recent graduation! Adoption can be defined in many ways the short of it is when a Man and Woman choose to place their baby in the home of a loving family. The childs biological parents terminate their rights which basically means that they give up ALL their rights to their child. Some families choose Open Adoption which allows them some contact with their child and the adoptive family. There are many different types of Openness some people know where the baby lives others limit the information to first names only and meet in public places. Sometimes Open Adoptions get closed for various reasons. In Closed Adoption there is NO Contact with the Adoptive family or the child. Expectant mothers can find support through Attorneys and Adoption Agencies or they can find a family posted on Parent Profiles. Our daughters Birth mom found us within 18 hours of posting our letter on ParentProfiles.com. Though she lived a few hours away I went to her doctor appointments and spent a lot of time getting to know H. To this day we are close and see each other every few months. She comes to our home, we talk on the phone, send e-mail and I also have a web site so that she can drop in and see what Star is up to at anytime of day or night. H is an extension of our family and we love her very much. Star calls her by her first name. When Star is old enough H and I plan on sitting Star down and telling her that she is adopted. A very important thing that you need to think about is weather or not the babies father is willing to terminate his rights. If he is not you will not be able to place the baby with a family without his permission. Do some research read as much as you can. Stay in touch with other women who have placed a baby for adoption they have been in your shoes and can share a lot of info with you. This web site is a good start. Try to create a support group like friends or family who can help you as you look at your alternatives. Please know that if you talk to an Attorney or an Adoption Agency YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT YOUR BABY UP FOR ADOPTION nor do you have to use them to place your baby in a good home. If they make you sign a piece of paper it is NOT a Legal or Binding agreement. YOU have the right to change your mind at any point during your pregnancy. If the baby is born your state may have a waiting period which will not allow you to sign your rights away, in Texas the birth mother must wait 72 hours. YOU are this babyҒs mother no matter what anyone says therefore you can choose to parent (raise the baby) or place the baby for adoption. The decision is yours. There are many state agencies that can help you if you choose to parent your baby. I will be glad to give you as much support as possible. Many people will have opinions about what YOU should do but the bottom line is that you should follow your heart and do what is best for you and your baby. Feel free to send me a private message; you can do so by clicking on my name. Take care and I hope my info wasnt too overwhelming. Hugs, Maria

Wow! There are a lot of choices! I know I have a lot to think about and it's just overwhelming right now. I've been reading a lot on this site today and that helps. I just feel confused because while I know I'm young, I have a really grown up decision to make. Just graduating, being on my own and working has been hard enough! Thank you, Maria for your help. I need to keep reading and I do hope it gets easier! Pluma

I just wanted to say hello and let you know that it is great that you are taking the time to research and find about your options. It is not going to be easy. But feel free to stop by anytime and we wlll help as much as possible. Congratualtions on your recent graduation. Please keep us posted on how it all goes.Timberly

Pluma,I am in the same shoes you are! Let me share what I did. I googled adoption professionals +california to find resources that could help me. I then called and spoke to severals adoption professionals and asked lots of questions. I found that most places were extremely nice but you could tell that some were nicer than others. It has been a great help, but I do not feel that showed the emotional side of adoption. That is why I am here. An agency can help you with the legalities and counseling but a place like here can offer you real human feelings. You know, people that do not beat around the bush about experiences. It has widened my view on the array of emotions that I may or may not feel when I give birth.During this process I have learned to trust my gut, to believe in myself, stick to my values but also be open to advice that will help me along the way.

Holly,Where in CA do you live? Only if your feel comfortable sharing. I live in Southern CA. I love making connections close to home. It is neat to talk to people from all over the country but fun to find someone close.Timberly

Holly it sounds like you are on the right track standing firm and believing in yourself and in your decision will help you regardless of which path you choose. If you, Pluma or anyone else in your situation have any questions that you may not feel comfortable posting on the board feel free to drop me an e-mail or a PM. Pluma you sound like you have your head on straight you are at a cross road (one of many) the best way to decide which way to go is to LOOK AT ALL of your OPTIONS. It sounds like you are doing that. There is sooo much information and soooo many opinions out there that it can be overwhelming. Sometimes we have to step back and walk away from all the info so that we can allow the info to sink in. When I counsel young women I often ask them to look at the girl in the mirror and pretend that she is your best friend then offer some advice, often enough they find some of the answers that they were looking for. I am hoping that you have some friends or family that you can turn to for support if not as an adoptive mother I maybe able to share some insight with you about life on the "other side" of the table as well as what our Adoption Journey has been like. I love these forums and I love the people who come here. I have no motives other than to reach out and give support. As a mother I would want someone to reach out and help my daughter if she were in this situation. Regardless if you choose to parent or place the baby for adoption there are soooo many people who can recommend great resources and give support. I am in San Antonio TX and would be glad to call you (so you dont run up a bill) to talk to you and help encourage you as you go through this process. For me itҒs not about placing a baby its about educating young women like yourselves so that you can make the best possible decision. For some the decision is to parent for others it is to place the baby in the arms of a loving family. Each option has pros and cons, no one else can make that decsion but you. Which ever path you choose you want to feel comfortable in that decsion so that you can live your life knowing that YOU made the right choice. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I will PM you with my phone number and e-mail. Hugs to all, Maria

Timberly, Love your name! I am in Southern California too. San Diego area.

Holly, you are pretty close to me. I am in Anaheim. If you want to chat more or make a friend fairly close to home I am here. Feel free to Pm or e-mail me anytime. I would love to get to know you better. Timberly

Thank you everyone!I spent a lot of time at the library computer today and eventhough I'm overwhelmed, I know that knowlege is power. I just have to stay strong and trust myself! I keep calling my boyfriend but he isn't calling me back! I did tell him he needs to call me back because if he doesn't then he will be hurting his child's chance to have a family. Holly - I'm so glad you have similar feelings and confusion to mine! Makes me feel less alone. I will have to use your suggestion and see what I find in my area. Just coming here is helping me see that there are people who care, even if I don't know any of you! Hope to get to know you better! Pluma

I had no idea how extensive this site was! I've been reading a lot and am glad to see I'm not alone! I know if I had family support, it might be different. I was raised in a very religious home and yet couldn't wait to get out of there. My parents are kind people, really, they are. But everything in their life revolves around their church and that includes me and my brothers. I made a very hard decision after I graduated to go out on my own eventhough I knew my family would be very upset with the "path of destruction" as they call it that I have chosen. Guess they are right in some ways, because here I am pregnant. I have a job, my own apartment and I'm taking good care of myself though so that has to count for something, doesn't it? Just wish I could get my boyfriend to call me and actually talk to me. He knows my work schedule so calls and leaves me messages at work. I wish he'd call on my break, but guess he's avoiding me. That really hurts! In the beginning he really seemed happy and I don't know what I did to make him so angry with me! If we can't work it out then I know adoption will be the best plan for the baby and I think that is what will happen. I'm sad but I know I can't do this alone! Sorry for talking so much! Hope I'm not scaring all of you away either! Just trying to sort this all out. Pluma

Hi Pluma, Please stop beating yourself up. Sometimes things happen and we have no rhyme or reason why it happens. Having sex with someone you love is NOT a crime. Being pregnant and single is NOT a crime. Please hold your head up high and stand proud. You have grown into a wonderful young woman. Yes you are pregnant and yes you are single but that is no reason to beat yourself up or walk in shame. You have done a great job standing on your own feet. Most people your age cant save a dollar much less hold a job and pay for an apartment. I understand how hard it is to branch out on your own when your parents whole lives revolve around you. When I was 19 I made the decision to go out on my own for the same reasons you described. I came from a very religious Hispanic family. In our culture women are supposed to stay at home with their parents until they get married. My mother said that I would bring shame on my family. Life was hard on my own but it was a sense of freedom I needed. I longed to know who I was I was so enmeshed with my mom that at times I didnҒt know if my thoughts and opinions were mine or hers. I eventually moved in with a guy when my mom found out I was disownedӔ. I thought that I would freak out if that ever happened because I loved and valued my family so much. Though I was hurt I knew that the decision I made to live with my boyfriend was MY decision. Eventually my mom came around. Your heart is in the right place if I were your mom I would be sooo PROUD OF YOU no matter what! I am really sorry that your boyfriend isnt talking to you. Sometimes guys freak out when they find out that their girlfriends or even wives get pregnant. You may need to step back and give him some space. I am sure that right now you are scared and you really need his support but he may need some space to clear his head. Do you have a good friend that you can lean on? Sorry for talking so much! Hope I'm not scaring all of you away either! Just trying to sort this all out. Pluma, we are all here to give you the support that you need. There is no such thing as ғtalking to much sometimes talking/writing leads us to answers and questions that we may have never thought of. This is a safe place for you to talk about anything that you want. No one will think any less of you. Many of us have walked in your shoes in one way or another. These boards were created so that we could all learn from each others experiences. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. You are doing the right thing by looking at all of your options and trying to sort things out. Once you find the answers that you are looking for then you will be able to face your family and let them know that you are pregnant. Who knows their response may end up being different from what you expect. Knowledge is Power and as each day passes you will become stronger and stronger in your hearts desire to plan a future for you and your baby. Hugs, hugs and lots more hugs, Maria

I have only a little to add. In many states there is a waiting period for the mother so that she has time AFTER the birth to make her decision and sign any paperwork concerning maternal rights. But there are also "waiting periods" in states concerning paternal rights. You have mentioned your boyfriend not returning calls or acknowledging this pregnancy. If you decide to parent, legally your child is entitled to child support from his or her father. If you want to place for adoption, the laws of states vary (which is why it is good to talk to an adoption attorney). Many give the guy 6 months to claim his child. If he doesn't and the adoption is uncontested, it is considered "abandonment" and his rights are terminated involuntarily. It must be proven that he knew of the pregnancy and birth and still remained uninvolved. You may consider sending him a certified letter that would go to him and require his signature. This letter would infom him of the pregnancy and your decision to place (if that is your decision) and if he still does nothing, you at least have proof that he was told about the baby and the adoption plan and chose to not get involved. It would be nice if he would get involved one way or the other (parenting or helping you select a family and voluntarily signing papers). He may just need a little time to adjust OR he may remain immature about this and hide from reality. And honestly, who doesn't want to hide at times? My hope is that he will be a man and be there for you and the child you created together. If he doesn't, you are NOT ALONE!!! And you can do this without him. Keep researching. Information...tons and tons! And pray about it. You will be amazed at the clarity you can gain from asking for guidance and wisdom. Keep us posted and congratulations!

Pluma, hello also consider your choice to parent your own child. Yes adoption can be a loving option I am in fact a mom thru adoption. But all moms to be need to think of parenting also as its your child and yes your choice. It is also a difficult and hard choice so look into your options and talk to your family and friends if you do talk to someone about adoption make sure that they give you counseling that also includes the option to parent your child. A non biased person is best for the job of counseling moms to be on their options. Best wishes Terrie mom to 4 grandma to 3

Dear Pluma,Have you told your parents? Will they help you? Regardless of your final choice between adoption and parenting, they can be a source of strength for you. My husband and I were stunned when our daughter finally told us about her pregnancy, but we were also relieved that she finally faced the truth and let us comfort her (we had suspected that she was pregnant for 2 months). Both options are difficult - don't believe ANYONE who tells you differently. Get thoroughly educated on both options. Get advice from people who have no stake in your decision. Blessings to you and your baby. Happy G'Ma