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Background- Our final homestudy is April 16th and we'll be ready to take placements by summer. We live in a very small county so we won't be very busy and it could be months or even a year before a placement. We have two biological children (ages 5 and 7) and are hoping to foster to adopt. I'm a kindergarten teacher and my husband is a pastor.
Situation- We were really pumped to do foster care and expand our family through adoption (more kids=more love/fun right? :love: ) and initially planned on taking kids 4 or under so they were younger than our bios, but then thought maybe we'd take older kids like 7 and under so our kids would have playmates...but now I was just reading all of the threads on RAD and am terrified to do foster care at all for fear of someone hurting our bios or pets, setting our house on fire, or causing so much stress on our sweet happy family that we're all miserable.
Questions-
How do you balance being informed and not naive versus being petrified and paranoid?
What types of boundaries should we put up regarding placements to protect our bios? (only under a certain age? etc.)
One person mentioned that even though their children were young when they got them (under 1), they ended up with severe RAD when they were older. Is that common?
Is it normal to feel so nervous and yet so called to do this as well?
I'm thinking this might be one of those things where families who have problems are more likely to post than families that are going well...could that be the case, or is full fledged RAD that common?
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I would say it is perfectly normal to feel this way, I struggle with this daily, hourly! We have been matched with a 16 year old boy, and have a 11y/o bio son & 9 y/o bio son....so we have a healthy fear of this situation. Fortunately, we are straight adopt so we have access to all of his files, and have spoken with his therapists, counselors, and CASA worker to know his behaviors beforehand.
One thing I can tell you, reading too much on this website will frighten you possibly more so than you should be. Use this website to open your eyes, and educate you. Find local support groups, or ask your agency to connect you with other families they know to learn the positive side of fostering/adopting.
My suggestion? Stick with the younger group, we chose this 16 year old boy because he is parentified and protective over younger children. It is recommended he be the oldest in a home, not an only child nor the youngest. We never expected to be taking in a teen, but it is an ideal matching for both him, and our family. :woohoo:
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How do you balance being informed and not naive versus being petrified and paranoid? I read all the books and was scared I would get the worse possible placements. Well, we're praying that we will be able to adopt our current placement. Since we only take toddlers or younger, I discovered trauma and neglect were the biggest issues. Now their half sister who is 5yrs older, with support and therapy, will I pray will be able to move beyond her previous HELL.
What types of boundaries should we put up regarding placements to protect our bios? (only under a certain age? etc.) Sorry, we had no Bios.
One person mentioned that even though their children were young when they got them (under 1), they ended up with severe RAD when they were older. Is that common?
Is it normal to feel so nervous and yet so called to do this as well? Yes, its normal to be nervous. Honestly, class didn't prepare us for the emotional rollercoaster called Foster Care. Establishing a support system now w/ current FP as well as others who were licensed w/ you, will definitely help.
I'm thinking this might be one of those things where families who have problems are more likely to post than families that are going well...could that be the case, or is full fledged RAD that common? It all depends on the situation the child came from. When our oldest came into our home, she hid in a corner. She cried. She didn't want to eat. She hated baths. She never had her own bed. Hated bed time. She was scared out of her mind. And she was only 15mo. Luckily through this forum, I knew she needed play therapy to find her voice and for us to learn how to parent her. Nearly a yr later, she's a completely different child. Some days are harder than others but to see her blossom is heartwarming.
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How do you balance being informed and not naive versus being petrified and paranoid? I read all the books and was scared I would get the worse possible placements. Well, we're praying that we will be able to adopt our current placement. Since we only take toddlers or younger, I discovered trauma and neglect were the biggest issues. Now their half sister who is 5yrs older, with support and therapy, will I pray will be able to move beyond her previous HELL.
What types of boundaries should we put up regarding placements to protect our bios? (only under a certain age? etc.) Sorry, we had no Bios.
One person mentioned that even though their children were young when they got them (under 1), they ended up with severe RAD when they were older. Is that common?
Is it normal to feel so nervous and yet so called to do this as well? Yes, its normal to be nervous. Honestly, class didn't prepare us for the emotional rollercoaster called Foster Care. Establishing a support system now w/ current FP as well as others who were licensed w/ you, will definitely help.
I'm thinking this might be one of those things where families who have problems are more likely to post than families that are going well...could that be the case, or is full fledged RAD that common? It all depends on the situation the child came from. When our oldest came into our home, she hid in a corner. She cried. She didn't want to eat. She hated baths. She never had her own bed. Hated bed time. She was scared out of her mind. And she was only 15mo. Luckily through this forum, I knew she needed play therapy to find her voice and for us to learn how to parent her. Nearly a yr later, she's a completely different child. Some days are harder than others but to see her blossom is heartwarming.
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How do you balance being informed and not naive versus being petrified and paranoid?
Reputable Agencies should give you a Listing of what behaviors you will accept, and what behaviors that you will outright Deny.
If Agencies do not do this? Then run away and move on to another Agency!!
What types of boundaries should we put up regarding placements to protect our bios? (only under a certain age? etc.)
Retain Birth Order
No Sexual Advocacy Period!!
No Animal Cruelty if you have any animals
Each Parent spend Alone or One on One time with each child Biological and Foster.
One person mentioned that even though their children were young when they got them (under 1), they ended up with severe RAD when they were older. Is that common?
Could be common depends on your geographic location.
As well as depends on how many placements the child has been placed in before coming to you, and reasoning why they moved on??
Is it normal to feel so nervous and yet so called to do this as well?
What makes or 'Triggers' your nervousness please??
I'm thinking this might be one of those things where families who have problems are more likely to post than families that are going well...could that be the case, or is full fledged RAD that common?
Could be common?? Totally depends on your geographic location.
As well as depends on how many placements the child has been placed in before coming to you, and reasoning why they moved on??
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Kidzhearts
Reputable Agencies should give you a Listing of what behaviors you will accept, and what behaviors that you will outright Deny.
If Agencies do not do this? Then run away and move on to another Agency!!
Unfortunately, you can't always do this. It depends on what type of placements you are dealing with.
In small counties there are very few children who are foster-to-adopt only and that there would be considerable information about.
If you are taking placements straight from being removed, then there's no telling what type of behaviors you will be dealing with. We were told our sib group were great kids, absolutely no behaviors, very sweet and well behaved. In a way, they were and had decent manners, but they also had severe issues that we wouldn't have expected and no one could have predicted.
Here many emergency placements are kids returning to foster care after being RU'd or placed with relatives, so previous information about behaviors may no longer be valid if they've experienced more neglect or abuse after being RU'd.
You can do your due diligence to find out as much as you can, but it's difficult to get a full picture until the child is in your house. With other children to protect, don't let anyone talk you into a placement you wouldn't be comfortable with things aren't the way the placement worker makes them seem.
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