Dreaming in black and white ...

That's all I have to say right now. I'll be pondering this article for a LONG time. Yes, the judge's remarks were disgusting, especially the part about "first-rate babies". As a CC mom to an AA baby I'm just saddened and scared by the content. My baby is so beautiful and perfect, I want her to have a wonderful life. I guess I can just educate myself like crazy and do the best I can as Addy's mom and hope the world isn't exactly as those adoptees represented it. Wish we could have coffee over this one :o Thanks for sharing. Martha

I may be ill. First quality? Ugh. Talk about perverting the adoption system which is really about finding families for children, not children for families. But I'm equally revolted by the cynicism of the parents in this article. The husband in particular strikes me as a sneering arrogant bombast. And I do not like the way they speak to each other. When they disagree they call each other names--really awful ones. I do not like these people. However, I, like I know you do, Jen, believe that I am the third best option for my daughter. That doesn't mean that she won't thrive under my care, it only means that there will always be a part of her that I can't quite fully address.

I find the comments as written on the page disturbing - but they so closely mirror reality that you can't easily dismiss them out of hand. There is a caste system and significant cost differentiation based on the color/ethnicity of the child. Not only that, but the adoption community rarely does enough to ensure that children who are raised transracially will have enough quality opportunities to become whole (i.e. conversant in all aspects of their cultures) and that's the real shame. It seems like (based on the article) that couple was forced to confront the good,the bad and the ugly of the situation and that's a great thing, IMHO. I'll be honest, I'm a proponent of adoption , period, and I'm not opposed to transracial adoption. But I also believe that some Ccaucasian couples/singles are simply not willing to put in the time/effort required to raise happy and healthy children of another ethnicity - be it Chinese kids, Guatemalan kids or AA kids than others. When that ol' red flag - "love is all the child needs" comes up I just want to hurl. Blech. Of course, this is true of lots of aparents who adopt within their own ethnicity as well. *shrug* I guess the bottom line for me is that at least they're thinking about those issues and not pretending they don't exist and THAT is refreshing.

I agree with everyone here but the sad truth is that this is reality in terms of who the "desirables" are in our society. Special needs=difficult to place=second quality. I commend those parents that take the plunge, so to speak, and put what's importnat in the forefront: loving a child unconditionally. It is hard and I do feel that the young black woman adoptee was being truthful IN HER SITUATION. The article didn't elaborate on it much but maybe her mother was 3rd best because her alienation came from a parent who didn't believe that race was a factor at all. If she was brought up to feel uncomfortable around blacks, then that's a BIG problem and we didn't get the full story on how she was raised (except that she only saw other blacks on infrequent trips to London). I thought that the social worker that said that providing food at the meetings made blacks feel welcome was very stereotypical. My agency didnot provide food and there were mostly all blacks in attendance (potential adoptive parents and one social worker) and one white social worker). I did agree with the statement that parenting IS political in some form or another so that the sole reason of adopting a child to MAKE a political statement shouldn't be the case, just as adopting SOLELY to feel whole shouldn't be the case either. It was incredibly sad (but also reality) that the children who are sought after are usually the lighter-skinned children, even among AA parents. I believe that is the residue of a society that makes it clear what they value (the gold standard=the healthy white infant). The beginning of the article that stated the costs of adopting a child from various countries was written sort of sarcastically (and it made me laugh thinking of LisaCA's writing style) because it's what we talk about here time and time again (The outrageous prices for healthy white newborns and the less than desirable children of color being much less). And, yeah, the judge's views were not too unbelieveable, given wht is occuring in our society to date with adoptions. It was very sad nonetheless. :mad:

I find the whole "price tag" thing the MOST disgusting part of all this. I guess it all boils down to simple marketing and supply and demand but this is about PEOPLE!!!!! It is so very complicated and I know there are no easy solutions but it never ceases to amaze me that we got our baby at a "discount" due to race and health factors. This clearly sends the message that one human being is worth more than another. It is sickening!! Kilee - I appreciated your perspective on AA adoptees. It gives me more hope that I can raise a healthy happy AA child in such a screwed up world. :o Martha

Interestingly, although I do believe that adoption should be about the "best available home for the child" and logically I do believe that #1 - family of origin (if free of abuse etc), #2 - race of origin and hen #3 - transracial .... it was sort of offensive and stark to see it written down. I guess, in my books, although I realize that maybe getting me as their mom isnt the easiest adoption journey for my boys, once it happened it was no longer up for debate. They are simply my kids and if you have a problem with that -- go eat your shoe! ;) As far as the pamom's feelings about hearing the transracially adopted adopted SAY those things -- I dont think it would hurt me. I would understand that although being transracially adopted can be a wonderful thing, its not easy. Maybe because I have held my 10 year old son as be sobbed through his grief on this ... I know he loves me with all his heart. I know I am his mommy/mama/mom and mother ... but I also know he has experienced a loss. Although I HATE HATE HATE HATE and recoil at the thought or suggestion that there is a rating system and my sons, being black, male, siblings and toddlers when adopted were at the bottom of that pile - I guess it would be rather idiotic of me to claim it isnt so. It IS so ... Have I mentioned how much I hate racism! Jen

Oh, Martha, I'm not an adoptee but a hopeful adoptive mother. I guess I could relate to the young woman only because her experience was unique to her and there are so many adoptees in her situation that have grown up secure in who they are (their blackness, so to speak) due to the wonderful parenting that they received that was by no means colorblind or dismissive to struggles that they went through. It has been documented that children of color need to be surrounded by positive images that resemble themselves, regardless of the color of their parents. But children whose parents do not resemble them have a responsibility to ensure that their children are receiving positive messages about their race/ethnicity. Their are wonderful parents here (Jensboys, Spaypets, Redheadded, to name a few) that do an excellent job). I think they would agree with me that they do not dismiss the possibility that there will be challenges (and some may have faced a few already) but being open and honest and a true protector of your children will show them that they are loved, cherished and celebrated regardless of what they look like or who accepts them! :D

You know ... maybe thats the idea. The fact that those of us that ARE parenting transracially agknowledge that there ARE issues ... that maybe our family wasnt the easiest solution, but was the best available solution at that time for our children, and more than that, it is our current reality and thus we must make the best and most of it :) Then we are far further ahead than the parents who believe that the world is colorblind and we are all "various shades of gray anyways so why should race matter".

I agree. My challenge, now that I talk the talk is to walk the walk. I take reassurance in the fact that my amazing mother says she always assumed that her children would resent her (we don't). I figure I'll just assume that I'll wind up doing SOMETHING wrong and be pleasantly surprised if DD doesn't resent me.

Jensboys, two surprises for me here. The first was the fact that someone felt comfortable enough to actually own up to some of the most ridiculous stuff being stated here. I certainly know some of these thoughts are out there, but it's hard to pinpoint someone who will admit to believing it. I normally see it through "action." Thank you for exposing your ignorance Chief Justice Richard A. Posner of the Seventh Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals. The second surprise is that someone would actually believe that offering free food at a meeting is enough to motivate someone to adopt. Snacks? Not even home-cooked? :rolleyes: Not unlike many other cultures, food and its preparation is a welcome part of family, celebratory, and social gatherings. Menus and traditions certainly differ amongst cultures. Normally "rights of food" does not have to extend itself to business or outside meetings. Depending on the type of meeting and the time of day, I think its customary for most people to think about including a light refreshment or snack for their guests, but I do not believe itҒs the motivating factor in getting someones interest or attendance. ThatҒs just silly. Enough said on that. I believe through discussion and self-reflection the prospective parents touched upon a lot of important issues that should be thought out prior to embarking on this course. I think they absolutely did the right thing by doing so. Yeah, some of its uncomfortable for some, and maybe itҒs not too pleasant to talk about, but its real. I think even the bantering and name-calling between the couple was significant because it hinted at some of the real or perceived reasons the two of them felt the other was interested (or not interested) in this particular path or type of adoption. As an outsider reading this, it sort of did the same for me. IMO, the feelings of adoptees (transracial or not) are as varied as the person, their particular environment, and their individual experience. However, I do believe that racial connection is an important building block that some parents of AA children still choose to overlook. Hence the problem. Finally, when the prospective parents were told that they would have to educate their child in their cultural heritage I was tickled when the response was something like ғthats easy, we know AA history, art, literature, hip-hop music and Spike Lee . . . yes, there are things we donҒt know like skin and hair, but how difficult can that be? Hmm. . . they got us! They sure seem to know it all, huh? This feels like dԩj vu. What an awakening thats bound to be. :eek: Kelli

Can I confess something? When I imagine, as I do occasionally, adopting and AA or African child, the thing that terrifies me is doing a little girl's hair. I can't even comb my daughter's glossy, barely wavy hair without her sobbing. And that's after using a detangler. Oy! I remember in college watching the AA girls do their hair in the bathroom (they had an impressive amount of spray and gels and rollers) and it seemed to take hours! Golly, even my boyfriend seemed to take an inordinate amount of time with his hair (but he was a little too GQ for my tastes, anyway). So it actually startled me that someone would poo poo hair care, like it didn't matter.

Speaking of hair and skin care ... I had read a couple of books and articles on it but hadnt really ABSORBED the reality of it -- (my mind was saying it cant be THAT different...) until 3 days after getting our boys and the youngest was up half the night scratching his itchy DRY skin --- Suddenly I realized -- WOW its was TRUE ... they DO need oil ;) How embarrassing now!!! Anyways, I hope that if my child has issues about having a white mom, that the issues and resentment wouldnt be towards ME ... but rather towards society. I hope and pray that I am sensitive enough to their reality that they understand that I am an advocate for them. I hope so... Jen

Spaypets, actually what I meant to poo poo (you can tell we have toddlers :D ) was how simplistic and one dimensional that remark made us seem. If one knows Martin Luther King Jr., James Baldwin, Spike Lee, and P. Diddy, they know all they need to know to care for an AA child. That's how I interpreted it. I can appreciate the fact that the hair and skin care might take some "education" particularly when it comes to finding the appropriate products and keeping both of them healthy. The hair and skin are the most obvious differences and need immediate attention given to them. In answering this couple's question, "how difficult can it be?" Judging by how frequently hair and skin questions are asked by non AA parents on the AA parent/children forum, I think they're in for something. I've seen some interesting questions being asked here concerning skin and hair care. Some, I just had to walk away from. :rolleyes: I think this couple will be surprised at how difficult it often is to find the right products and styles, particularly if one is lacking in hair care skills anyway. I prefer to keep things healthy and simple and not too elaborate for me or my dd. There is more to know about caring for anyone besides knowing how they care for their hair and skin, so that statement sounded to me like once they had the hair and skin part figured out (along with MLK and P.Diddy) they were good to go. I understand that this is just an article which means not everything nor all feelings can be presented. Kelli P.S. I too am put off by a man who looks prettier then me and/or spends more time in the mirror getting ready then I do. Always have. :)

What's interesting about this discussion is that yesterday I got an email from an adult black adoptee raised by white parents who is starting a group for adoptees (both adults and children) called Black Oasis. The email ... (edited for identifying information) You know what bothered me about the email? The use of parenthesis around the word "adopted". I replied (very, very nicely) and havent heard anything back. I think the idea is VERY good and VERY important ... but if that culture connection comes at the exclusion of the child's reality of having a white family ...Is it still beneficial? Jen

I think the quotation marks are to indicate that while they have been adopted, they have not adopted whiteness. That's how I took it. lisa