3 sister adoption

So, it sounds like you are asking two questions: 1) what is it like adopting older children. 2) can you do it without the enthusiastic support of your spouse? I'll answer the second question first: no. It's hard work healing a child from years of abuse and neglect, and both parents have to be really committed to it. Especially the mother, who will be the object of the children's rage for a long time, perhaps years. The risk of attachment disorder is very high in this situation. It is important to educate yourself on this issue before making any decisions. Parenting the Hurt Child is a must read and a great place to start. Also excellent is Trisha Maskew's book, Our Own, about older child adoption. The author adopted a 9 year old boy from an orphanage in Asia (I forget now which country). Nancy Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough is fantastic, as are the videos she has produced on the subject of emotionally disturbed kids. If you are feeling very brave, read Foster Cline's book, Can This Child Be Saved? which discusses the really hardened cases. I do not want to darken your adoption dream. You sound like a kind-hearted man. I just think it is so important for you, your wife, your marriage, and these girls, that you are given truthful information. My husband and I are adopting a sibling group of 3, ages 6, 8, and 10, from foster care. They are our babies, and I am absolutely certain that God sent them to us for us to raise. We love them like crazy. We are very blessed, because despite being severely abused and neglected, they are essentially good kids. But they all have attachment issues, PTSD, all born cocaine exposed, the youngest two alcohol exposed. There are a lot of issues, and it is very draining. You give up a lot for these kids--some relationships you have you will lose, your health may take a nose dive, etc. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm saying don't do it without counting the cost. I hope this helps. Peace.

I've got to say amen to the poster above about problems with older child adoption. iI have adopted many older children--they ALL have displayed serious problems--some of which didn't surface for YEARS so the idea of assessing problems within a day or so is sadly wishful thinking. I'd say if you were turned off by first impressions to go with it but never to trust first impressions as these children are very very street wise.Sorry--perhaps if you wish to support you could extend your sponsorship and keep them in situ. With some of my older internationally adopted children I have to wonder if they would have been better left where they were--this country is very competitive and many don't have what it takes to keep their head above water.

[font=Verdana]Hi - I am brand new to this site and also to the whole adoption thing - so please bear this in mind as you read my response (long).:) [/font] [font=Verdana]I am in a similar situation - my husband is very concerned because I have a very strong desire to adopt three siblings from Russia. I too am very concerned. Fear is what seems to me to be the prevailing emotion mixed with a desire to help 3 little lives which hopefully in the process would also enrich our own lives through the giving of ourselves to others. [/font] [font=Verdana]My thoughts about possibly adopting a now 2 y/o, 4 y/o and 6 y/o, are not without the greatest concern especially when you read posts and stories about how YEARS later problems erupt, and add to that, adopting THREE at once of these institutionalized children. When I recall my childhood and I was raised in the typical boomer family, at least it was typical for me, and my pre-teen and teen years in which I had a multitude of behaviors that were troublesome. Guess what? Through Gods grace I have turned out okay. And I believe God will help me and my husband to guide and care for and nurture these three little lives into as successful a life as would be possible this side of heaven if we decide to do this.[/font] [font=Verdana]Most likely if I had been adopted rather than a natural child, some adult would have wanted to classify my behavior as a result of having been institutionalized. Not that I am discounting at all the attachment problems and other issues unique to these children, but certainly some behavior is going to also be the result of just being alive. [/font] [font=Verdana]I can now draw from those experiences and have a more open mind to learn the best way to work through the problems and not be too quick to make judgments as to the WHY, but just find a way to do the best we can with what we are presented with and pray and hope the pain and difficult days will be offset with some days of joy. I think there is a prevailing attitude that life should be easy, and if it isnҒt then you must be doing something wrong. [/font] [font=Verdana]Whenever my husband and I discuss the issues, I have to try to get him to imagine the 'what if's' on the positive side as well as the negative side of things. (Opposites attract)҅ Also, the part of us that wants things to stay comfortable (no changes) the selfish part of both of us that rears its head regularly and then I remember these little children living in an orphanage and then when they are 16 or 17 will be living on the street all while I enjoy my easy chair, bigscreen tv, laptop computer, sewing room, etc. Then I think when I am 60 years old (I am 49 mind you and my husband is 57 - so we waited a little long to deal with this...:o ) I do not want to be wondering what happened to these children and wondering if we failed to do what I think has been put on my heart from the Lord to do.[/font] [font=Verdana]If we decide against adopting them, then I will have to accept it, but I am not sure I will ever believe that we did the right thing by not adopting. This will most likely boil down to his decision to or not to, because if it were my sole decision I would have already submitted my application. I know God will provide. Now he has to have a confrontation with his faith to me, this is where the rubber meets the road. Either God is big enough for this too, or God doesn֒t exist. It is pretty much black and white for me in this area. [/font] [font=Verdana]The reality is, we are older, we arent perfect, we donҒt have a lot of money, we would be going into the unknown, ...and then there is God. [/font] [font=Verdana]I am his wife and I made a promise to him 28 years ago to be committed to him for better or for worse, and this is pretty much like that making a commitment to the children, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold, from this day forward.[/font] [font=Verdana]The only problem in the decision factor with this is the same problem you have in real estate ֖ location, location, location. If these kids were brought to our door step and he was told they have no one to call their own, would you take them please and love them, I know he would never say no. Their only problem is where they reside. Same for the unborn babies, if their mothers were given a baby to hold and then told to kill it, they too would not be able to do it those children also have a problem with location. Would he turn them out to the street and say, "I just don't have the energy kids - go live in the street now" - in reality that is what it would be once this has been laid on your heart to do. If one professes to believe the Bible to be God's word, then you must believe it all - when the disciple tried to prevent the children from 'bothering' Jesus, what did he say? He said to bring them to him, to allow the children to come to him. I think it is pretty clear what the word says about Jesus' point of view on children. Do we emulate Jesus or do we do what is 'comfortable'? Well, I am hoping and praying that my husband will confront his faith head on and take this opportunity to walk the talk. I will keep your situation in my prayers too. [/font]Patti

What happens to a child during the first 3 years of life effects the child's brain. That does not mean the child will never be okay. It does, however, impair the cause and effect connections most people develope and it does take a long time to rewire that part of the brain. Taking on 3 children at once isn't easy. When they have poor beginnings, it becomes even tougher. No one can say at this point how serious the issues these kids will have will be. They could adapt easily or they may never bond. It's a risk. Both parties involved have to be on the same page with the same level of commitment. You both need to be aware for the potential of serious issues such as attachment disorder. This can not be healed by love and commitment. It takes years of work, specialized parenting, and attachment therapy. While it might not happen, good chance it will with the background you describe. Be prepared. Research. [url]www.radzebra.org[/url] [url]www.attachment.org[/url]