Visits....Need Help and some advice!!

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer when nothing was agreed on beforehand. It comes down to what is comfortable for everyone involved. Personally, I have never understood the "confusing" theory . At one time, I had every other reason a person could come up with to stop having visits ( the wind is blowing from the west, etc...), but I never felt that my kid(s) would be confused. Now four years (and another child) later, I am living the proof that there is no confusion. My son "gets it" already - naturally, he understands it age appropriate, but it's there. Just recently I have noticed interest in it ( as opposed to me bringing them up in converstaion, or us all visiting). My son looked in the mirror after his bath the other night and said "I look like *J* " J is his brother - 15 months older, and they could pass for twins they look so much alike. I couldn't imagine him looking in the mirror and not having that knowledge. IMO, if anything, there is less confusion. For us, having the kids birthfamily in their lives is not a chore, it just IS, if that makes sense. There's no big hoopla surrounding it ( other than the hoopla that would surround a visit or phone call from anyone else in the family). It's so natural and rewarding for all of us. I think the best place to start is with an honest talk with them about what exactly they want/expect and you want/expect. Hopefully you can find a middle ground that everyone is comfortable with. Maybe you can let things grow slowly, get to know one another for who they are ( as opposed to what part they play in the triad). You may find yourself wanting more... I know that it has taken a lot of time and work to get where we are in our open adoption, but well worth it. Good Luck to you.

I apologize for butting in since I come from the other side of the triad and am a birthmother to "A" who will be three in a month. Like your situation visits were never planned and in fact I chose a semi-open adoption because I too was afraid of confusion. At one year we had had two visits and the the Adad sounded EXACTLY like you. It was actually the Amom who was the driving force in opening things up. I can honestly say that as I explored my own feelings on things the reality is that I was the one afraid of open adoption. Saying I was afraid of confusion was down deep wrong. I was afraid of confronting my own feelings of loss which open or not, are a part of what a birthmother deals with. In my case we had a few more visits and actually as time went on and the Aparents and I got to know each other better those feelings gradually disappeared. I know that the fears on the Adads side also disappeared. Our adoption is now fully open and we see each other every few months. As I watched my birthson this past weekend I saw one little boy who was very attached to his parents and I saw not one ounce of confusion in him. I think that I can speak for the collective A and B parents in our situation that while it was difficult at first facing our own fears, that now confronted the foundation has been built for "A" that is a better one than had we waited until he was a teenager or whenever that magic time might have been. Good luck in whatever you decide. The problem is that there is no right or wrong and there is no set roadmap in the journey known as parenthood. -JanetM

Just wanted to chime in as well ... A 14 month old is NOT confused :). She knows her mommy and her daddy, she also will know and like people that she spends time with and that she senses mommy and daddy like. For example, she is NOT confused by visiting Grandma, even though probably grandma spoils her rotten and hugs and kisses her eternally. If your sister (or dh's sister) moved into your home ... she wouldnt be confused by who Aunty was. She would love Aunty because Aunty was special, but Aunty wouldnt replace her Mommy. Cause THATS YOU :). Now YOU might be confused as to your role when you visit, or how "parental" you should or shouldn't be ... but your daughter knows that you are her mommy. ;). A relationship with her birthfamily will only ADD to that. We dont let kids choose if visiting grandparents are important to them -- we just know that knowing their extended family is important and its a value we hold dear as a family, thus we trot our kids off to see wacky Aunt Alice, or Crazy Grandma Josephine. Your child's birthparents will only want GOOD things for your daughter. That can only add to her life. If at some point in the future you feel that they are adding negatively to her life (ie drug abuse or what have you) you would face it the same way you would with any other extended family member. Remember, kids grow up all the time today with "different" families. Visiting birthfamily will simply be your daughter's normal. Trust me, at some point she will express great shock that some other adopted kids dont get to do that. Jen

Trust me, it isn't confusing for kids of open adoption...unless it isn't consistant and everything is kept a secret. WHAT LUCK though! You have both birthparents involved....that little girl is more blessed than you know. Normally birthfathers wouldn't be involved and that can cause problems down the line when the children get older and wonder...but she can know him now and avoid all that (same goes for birthmom)! Visits are wonderful- for birthparents especially because we are given a chance to share our love for our children WITH our children rather than a memory or tear-stained pillow. We can see how they're growing and how happy they are instead of wondering and regretting all the time. They can be wonderful for the APs too...you have the oppertunity to have a whole nother family here. Me and my daughter's APs have become friends with a lot of hard work...and I wouldn't have it any other way. Because we're good friends and feel like part of the family visits aren't stressful and awkward....my daughter knows me, my brother, my parents and even my fiance (although usually it is just me or me and my guy at visits)! She isn't confused at all by all this and even though she's young she just thinks it's perfectly normal for her to have all these people love on her all the time. She has a full little life and loves every second of it. Even her older adopted brother is getting an "adoptive birthfamily" out of it since his is not willing to be part of the relationship with him...he's benefitted from knowing me and we've talked about his birthmother and how much she loves him too. I don't treat him different than my daughter and he basks in the attention he's getting from a birthfamily, even if we're only "stand-ins" for his...it's wonderful to fill that hole for now though...I'll do it forever if he'll let me. I'll end with this: Contact with the Adoptive family is wonderful, for them and for me. The kids love the extra love and they are turning out to be wonderful, balanced kids...I love the contact because it seems to be the only healing tool that has substance and I think I would go crazy without ever knowing my daughter...and the APs have some new good friends and family out of the deal (as well as the on-call babysitter- they know that if I'm in town I'll do it and they can escape to a movie for the evening...I'm a sucker for those kids, but it's truly the most fun thing in the world). Sometimes a few sessions with a counselor that specializes in fully open adoptions can help everyone work through their issues (and even ones you didn't know you had). Good luck!! :o)

We have had an incredible experience with our adoption. Once we found out we could not have our own biological children we decided to adopt. We have a very large family and a very large number of adoptions in the family. We were lucky within four days of completing the paperwork the first mother who saw are profile picked us. We went with an open adoption. The biological family, my husband and I were present at our daughters birth. Both the biological mother and father are involved in our daughter's life and have visited our daughter a number of times. I feel my daughter is extremely lucky to have two Mommies and two Daddies who love her very much. She also has seven grandparents who adore her. The biological family was present at our daughterҒs first birthday party. I would encourage people to cherish the joy of the extended family. We are in the process of trying to adopt a second child will shall find out Tuesday. Wish us luck. Cathy

A little background first, we have a very open adoption, babe is two years old. During babe's first year we saw birthfamily about 8 times, during the second year it was like 5 or 6. Growing up I had contact with my dad's family, my mom's family, and my biological father's family, so the idea of being part of more than two families (ie. just a mom and a dad's extended family) growing up was known to me before we adopted. I truly believe based on both my experience as a child and as an adoptive mom, if the adults are confused about their roles then the children will be. Adults set the tone and kids follow their lead. Can I ask a few questions? How do the visits happen, are they set a few weeks in advance or do they happen last minute? Can you describe the things about the visits that you find confusing, is it reading your daughter's behavior you find confusing, or how everyone relates to one another? Your daughter is 14 months old and you've only had three visits. I have to be honest I have a hard time seeing how three visits is going to confuse her about your being mom and dad, unless I have a better picture of what happens during the visits. Do you find yourself handing over care of your daughter when her birthfamily walks through the door? Or do you change things you do with your daughter or how you respond to her? I don't mean to offend, I realize these questions might seem stiff, they are partly coming from my own adoptive mom experience. For a long time I realized I was so afraid of hurting babe's birthmother ( her seeing me be loving with babe etc.) that I put my husband in charge if babe's care whenever we visited. This confused babe, my behavior changed and that is what confused babe. Not visiting certainly would have kept that from happening, but my acting like a normally do with babe would have also kept babe from being confused. I hope that made sense. Over time babe learned to not rely on me and only rely on my husband when we visited with birthfamily- I CAUSED THAT to happen that through MY actions, that was nothing that babe's birthfamily did. And even though I caused it, that's the last thing I wanted to have happen! Good news, babe is all about loving on mommy and stupid things can be undone. Please, feel free to talk further. Sometimes just getting your thoughts don can really help clarify, and talking with people not directly related to your adoption is very helpful. Speaking of other people, are you getting flack from family and friends about your visits? That can be an issue and often leads to greater discomfort and doubt if you're already uncertain. (To this day we still get some flack from certain people, two years into this, but we are confident about our parenting decisions and our open adoption, so we simply shrug our shoulders at the comments.)