Considering Adoption, keep waivering in a decision, advice please

Alana, Have you gotten in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight? (google it) If not, I'd highly recommend speaking with her. She's a birthmom in an open adoption and an adoption educator. Her organization is not an agency and will not assist you in placing if that is what you choose. You have the right and obligation to parent if you wish to up until the time your rights are terminated. This child is born to you, only you and your child's father will in your hearts find what is best. Understand you are under no obligation to anyone to surrender your child. Anyone who attempts to influence you - either through offers of financial support (implicitly in exchange for your surrendering your child though that's illegal), or outright statements about how this will hurt the paparents, how they long for this child, etc. Your choosing to parent will be emotionally devistating, yes. You are not responsible for that, you owe them nothing, even if they do agree to provide financial support. Understand that states highly regulate these practices, and in all cases providing financial support is considered an 'act of charity' - nonrefundable and non obligatory. I advise any paparent to only offer if they would have done so regardless of an adoption plan. They will survive, I promise, and they likely will go on to parent another child. YAsk any aparent on this board who's had a failed situation and survived. They'll likely tell you while it hurt like heck, later the child they were supposed to parent came to them. Your choices are not easy - placing is hard, parenting is hard. The best you can do is to follow what in your heart feels is the right choice. Oh, and as for choosing paparents for your child, I agree - go with ones who want more openness than you do. Gives the relationship room to grow if needed. How to tell if they're people of their word? Well, it helps if they already have an open adoption with another child. Beyond that, your best judgement. Here's some 'tips' that came from an agency site: It seems that birth moms also need to look for warning signs that adoptive parents may not be able to work with them or will not follow through with the agreed upon contact. I have heard from several birth moms who have had this happen. If you are a birth mom looking for a family for your child watch for these possible warning signs. 1. A family that tells you how much contact they want after the birth then change it when you tell them it is different than you need. 2. A family that makes demands rather than requests. 3. A family that does not return your emails or phone calls. 4. A family that seems like they are desperate and will do anything to get your baby. Adoptive families we need to be certain to care about the feeling and needs of birth mothers. These incredible woman give us gifts of life. Please be sensitive and caring about them not just the baby they carry. Also live up to word of what you agreed to after the adoption (pictures, visits, etc.). I have talked to many birth moms devastated because after the adoption the adoptive family stopped sending photos and letters or refused the visits. Please give you word and keep your word! Hang in there. Regina

Alana sounds like you are getting some great advice. If parenting is an option then by all means explore it. As I said before there are many resources for single parents. There are many people who have finished school and gone on to be very succesful as a single parent and their kids turned out great. A wonderful example is Lance Armstrong :) ToBeaFamily~ Regina...Bravo...welll said! Number 1 ~thanks for sharing... Lets stay in touch. Maria

Alana, You have already received some great advice. As an a-parent, I would just like to add a couple of things. First, I really encourage you to halt the adoption process and take some time to make sure that you have fully considered weather this is something you really want to do. Yes, the potential a-parents will be hurt, but they will hurt much less now, than if you change your mind after baby is born. It is important of course to consider finances, but if that is your main reason for wanting to place baby, there are ways you can make it possible to parent and complete school, etc., if that is what you want to do. I was also concerned that you are already having issues with the potential adoptive family. If it doesn't feel like a good match now, it will only get worse. It also occured to me that maybe you feel like you don't want to place baby, so you are seeing negative things...does that make sense? I also wanted to add that we did a private adoption and were instructed by the attorney that we were required to offer counseling...so it surprised me that you weren't offered that. Maybe it depends on the state. At any rate, you should seek counseling, regardless of your decision...there are many wonderful resources and sugegstions you can get from talking with the right person. You might check with your school, or a county program where the rates will be less expensive. Our relations with bmom could not have gone more smoothly and I feel that was due in part to bmom really being sure of what she was doing. There was no apprehension about it at all. Listen to yourself. If you decide that you do want to place, speak to your attorney about some of the issues you have and work them out prior to baby's arrival...you will all be happier about that. God Bless and good luck.

Hi Alana! I am a single parent and also a birth mom. I conceived my elder child while only in grade 10 and already living on my own. I have raised him from day one on my own. It has been so hard but I don't regret my decision to parent him. He is now just shy of 17. I did go on and graduate from high school and then went on for seven yrs of full time education after high school. I have two degrees but still struggle every day. The six yrs I had an excellent paying job we did not struggle finanically but as a single parent we struggled in other ways. Yes you can be a student and work and parent. I am proof of that. You have more then I did if you have the child's father with you to support you (I don't mean financially). If you have a supportive family who will assist you then you are also well ahead of where I was and you can parent. My second son is just shy of 18 months old. I placed him for adoption. We have an open adoption. I made my decision early in my pregnancy at only six weeks pregnant. I chose a couple at 2.5 months pregnant. Our match fell through. In part due to distance as we live half way across the country from each other, but also in part because they could not meet my needs......decided they wouldn't do what they originally said they would when babe was born. They were backing out of promises already only a month into our match and that really bothered and scared me. We agreed we weren't the right match for each other and I moved on. I was devastated as I am sure they were as well. At almost 5 months pregnant I chose another couple. It really scares me that you have not seen this couples home. Do you even know where they live? If you want an open adoption then I suggest you find a couple that really wants an open adoption and not one that says they are willing to have an open adoption. There is a huge difference between willing to have one and wanting one. Post adoption willing to have an open adoption can quickly become unwilling. Open adoptions are alot of work for both sets of parents. Things happen and are unwittingly said at times, that will upset the other party.......going both ways. An open adoption is like no other relationship you will ever encounter. It can be so emotional for all involved. Especially in the beginning when you are grieving your baby and they are trying to adjust to having a new baby, getting little sleep and possibly struggling with entitlement issues. It does get worse before it gets better. If there are problems now pre-birth I would be terrified if I were you! Pre-birth is usually when potential adoptive parents are willing to bend over backwards and do what you need from them. They won't pay for your AND your partners counselling???? :eek: WHAT? Oh my God......I say run as fast as you can away from that situation! If they won't pay for your couselling they don't care about you! If they don't care now pre-birth about the woman who is seriously considering giving them her child, they sure won't care post-birth when they have your child. YIKES. This is way more then a red flag! :mad: It doesn't sound like you want to place your baby for adoption if you have big doubts you will sign the papers. I was terrified of how I would get through the months following my babes birth. But I never doubted I would sign and follow through. Mind you most waver and many still decide to go with adoption. IF you decide you truly do want to place your baby for adoption, I would strongly suggest you pick another couple! I visited my son's adoptive parents a number of times in their home while I was still pregnant. I visited them in their home before they ever came to my home. A couple who wants a fully open adoption with visits will have no issues with you having all of their identifying info (ie full names, occupations, home address and phone #, email address, place of employment.) I knew all of this within a week or two of meeting my son's parents. POTENTIAL adoptive grandma looking at baby clothes in front of you is highly insensitive! You already know this, that is why you mentioned it. You know this didn't feel right to you. Note I did say potential and not just grandma as you said. This is YOUR baby. This will be your baby even after you hand over your baby if you chose to do so. This is your baby until your parental rights have been terminated. You need to feel completely comfortable with your decision and it doesn't sound like you are comfortable with placing your baby for adoption or like you are are at all comfortable with this couple. If you decide to go with adoption there are tons of couples out there who want open adoptions and will love and respect you. Many who are more then willing to pay for your counselling and medical expenses. I know of several birth moms who were promised open adoptions who don't have them. Some who haven't even seen a pic of their birth child in many years. I have to tell you this situation you are in is sounding alot to me like a case that exactly this could happen to you. How long ago did you meet the couple? Is there not a social worker or some sort of adoption professional involved? I truly wish you the best. Feel free to contact me if you need an "ear" or to vent or talk. I am a birth mom who is still confident that I did what was best for my baby in chosing adoption and an open adoption for him. Things are going really well. However there have been times when I was really upset that things were not going as planned. Even with adoptive parents that I know care about me, who bent over backwards for me when I was pregnant, things can at times be "rocky". This is so hard to do for all involved at times. Even when we all love each other. Your "story" here scares the daylights out of me. Although I never doubted my decision or that I would follow through I must tell you that first year or so post birth is like a living hell. You will grieve like you never have before or like you never knew was possible, even with an open adoption. It really tough even when one is positive of their decision and doesn't waver, like me. I can't imagine what it would be like for a woman who is unsure of her decision. Shell

I just wanted to add one thing to the advice that you have already been given. My husband and I entered our adoption journey knowing that sometimes matches fail. We had three failed matches, one after the baby was born. If you decide to parent or to find another family since this one is not meeting your expectations, the couple that you chose will be sad, perhaps a little angry, but they will get over it!!! Trust me on this one, when the angel that was meant to be ours was placed in our arms all the past pain was forgotten. I would really look into finding an atty that is there for YOU. It sounds like the one you are working with is more for the adoptive couple. There is no way in the world that you are required to pay for all that you are. And if it is true in your state that for private adoptions you are responsilbe for everything, then go with an agency. If you do decide to place, counseling is going to be a neccessity and an agency will help you with that. It would not be fair for you to be stuck with that finacial burden on your own.

Dear Alana, If you can't afford counseling, then read on the WEB about the experiences of parents who chose adoption and experienced separation from their children. Be aware that it will be painful. It sounds as if you are out there on your own. I have friends who adopted privately but were required to hire a counselor for the mother. Do you want contact with your child after the adoption? From the information that you have given, it sounds like the couple you have chosen will take the baby and disappear. Do you know for sure where they live? If they won't help you now, they sure aren't going to help you after the baby is born. Have you talked to your parents or the parents of the baby's dad? My husband and I are helping our daughter with her 3-month old. They live with us. It has been a huge change in our lives but we adore our grandson and our daughter is an incredible Mom. We were stunned and very upset when our daughter told us about her pregnancy, but within a day or two, we were excited about the baby. She was very unsure about adoption so did not think it was right to get a hopeful couple involved before the birth of her son. Instead of making an "adoption plan", she made a parenting plan with adoption after birth as an option. She fell in love with her son immediately and would never have been able to sign papers. It is your decision. You don't owe anyone anything. Don't underestimate the struggle or raising a child but don't let anyone tell you that adoption won't be painful. With hugs and best wishes. Happy G'Ma

Alana, I just came across your post. I think you need to really follow your gut on this one. It seems to me that the prospective adoptive family may not be the ones for you. From what you write they do not seem sensitive to your needs, nor do they seem to be able to give your child what you want them to have. Have you had any real options counseling. How did you find this family in the first place? Please remember that you are your baby's mother and parent until you sign papers to determine otherwise. You have every right to choose to parent yourself or find parents for your child that really click with you. You have no obligation to this couple. If you want to chat more about this and also about finding possible resources, pm me.

If a bmom is certain she wants to place it is still often very difficult after the birth.. depression, sadness.. all of that. If you're unsure, I cant imagine how hard this will be on you. In my opinion, if you're unsure, then dont. Adoption takes an emotional toll. Number one thing to remember, that if you decide to parent and 2 weeks, 5 months, 4 years... any time after the birth you can still place. There are many many people willing to adopt a child that is already in this world (Check the international forums, often the child is over a year old when they are able to bring their baby home). Also if you're unsure about the pre adoptive parent, dont stop looking. You CAN choose another family. AND if you want to keep this match, talk about the type of adoption ASAP. You might find you're not compatible with what they want from adoption, or they might find they're not compatible to what you want. Another great site to look for is birthmom buds. Also depending on what state you're in your medical can be in the placement agreement and sometimes some expences. State adoption laws are somewhere on this forum, I'd link you to them but I dont have time to look for them right now. Good luck, and if you want to chat at all, PM me or one of these other great ladies (or guys) on this board :)

After reading your post.I just knew i had to respond.I am a hopeful adoptive mom...I have had my precious angel since birth he is a beautiful 4 month old baby now....words cannot describe how much this baby means to us..-The birthmom had heard of us through friends...and after meeting and talking with us -she said she immediately knew we were the couple she wanted to adopt her baby.We attended every doctor's appointment with the birthmom.I think the reason we got along so well is we respected one another.Right from the start we listened to her wishes and her wants from this adoption-she requested us to be with her even in the delivery room!!! She only requested pictures and an occasional phone call just to see how he was doing..this was agreed upon in the first months of her pregnancy.Its extremely important that we as adoptive parents would be able to fulfill the birthmom's wishes...we had agreed to all she requested.This adoption is not final because of the birthfather who has changed his mind from not contesting the adoption to now once again contesting.Please if there is one thing you need to do that is to make your mind up now...do not make a decision you would regret later on.This couple has a right to know how you are feeling...please if you have any doubts you should not let this go on.Honosty is always the best thing....With our experience the birthmom was wonderful and we have the utmost respect for her and have always told her she will always hold a special place in our hearts.The birthmom told us she feels at peace..because in her heart she knows we love this baby so much!! I talk or email the birthmom all the time if one thing we have became very good friends..Every adoption plan is different.I feel you should know in your heart if this is the family for your baby...if not you really need to let them know...the sooner the better.

Alana, It sounds more than anything you are concerned about the family. My daughters biomommy was your age when she found out she was pregnant and decided to give her baby up for adoption. She knew that she wanted to go on to college and get her JD and become an attorney. You should not have to pay for everything if you choose a good agency. Try going through Catholic Charities or some other religious organization. You do not have to be that religion to use that organization. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Whether you choose to keep your child or not you will always be a Mommy.

Alana, my heart goes out to you. I agree with everyone on this forum whom said you should not have to pay for all these things most especially should you choose to place or as I like to call it Entrust your child to another family. I would look into medical assistance thru your state and see what help is available for other needs associated with your pregnancy. Also know as others have said parenting is hard placing is hard. But as happy g ma said this is your baby and like her daughter you may fall in love as first site and not be able to place. Or at the very least you may place but will now what love for your child is and I know from what my sons birthmom has shared over the years she may love us and she may feel she did the right thing in entrusting him to us but it still Hurts. I do love her with all my heart and we have an Open adoption. I wish you the peace of mind in whatever choice you make If you choose adoption and You want an Open adoption Only go with a family that will in writing make sure its legally backed up if possible in their state that you will get what You wish for nothing is more horrifying to me then to hear of a birthmom being promised specific things be it visits or pictures letters etc for the adoption to go thru and Poof those promises made before birth and placement seem to magically change I cannot even imagine the heartache that would be felt by any parent in those circumstances. May god bless you. Your in my prayers for you to find peace in whatever choice you make. Remember this is Your choice Your baby. Best wishes Terrie