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I haven't posted in a while, but some new circumstances surrounding our daughter's open adoption have recently come up and I need some advice. Our daughter is currently ten months old and was born positive for cocaine. Her birthmother got pregant again soon after she was born, and recently had her second baby just a few days ago. Here's what I need help on. We have had an open relationship with M since the birth of my daughter. We see her every few months, send letters and pictures and talk on the phone. Even though I knew my daughter was born positive, M has told me that she's clean and hasn't touched any kind of drug at all. When the news of her second pregnancy came to light, along with the fact that she wanted to do a second adoption plan, some friends of ours told her that they were interested in adopting the baby. The baby wasn't due until the middle of September, but M went into labor late Friday night and had her on Saturday. She's in the NICU for now, even though she's a good size (6 pounds 2 ozs, 17.75 inches long), and they're keeping her for a week. We found out yesterday that part of the reason they're keeping her is that she too tested positive for cocaine, which indicates that M had to have done it within 72 hours of the baby's birth. She also admitted to my friend that she had smoked marijuana and taken Valium during the week before the birth.
I am so angry at her right now for what she's done to my daughter, and now what she's done to this new baby. I know that drug addiction is an illness, and I know that she makes poor choices because of the drugs, but she refuses to get any kind of help and won't admit that she has a problem. As my daughter gets older, I truly worry about her having a relationship with M. M is very unstable and is not the best example at the moment. My question is how do I limit contact without cutting it off completely? I want M to get the message that she's welcome in our lives as long as she's clean, and that until that time comes I don't want my daughter exposed to the type of people that M is running around with right now.
A case in point is I picked her up yesterday from the hospital, not even 24 hours after having the baby, and she asked me to take her to her friend's house. This is the same house she was at in the two days prior to the baby's birth, and I have a strong suspicion this is where she was getting her drugs at. I went ahead and took her over there, not wanting to cause any waves due to the fact that she had just left her baby in an incubator in the NICU, but after I left I started thinking about what would have happened if the police had decided to do a raid on her house when I was parked out front. Would I have been taken into custody? It's not worth the risk in my opinion, and I guess I just need some advice on how an open adoption works when there are all these extenuating circumstances. I am about the biggest proponent of open adoption I know, but in this situation I don't know if it's best for everyone involved.
Sorry to have rambled and written such a novel, but I'm really hoping someone with similar experiences can give me some insight.
Thanks,
Ilene
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I want M to get the message that she's welcome in our lives as long as she's clean, and that until that time comes I don't want my daughter exposed to the type of people that M is running around with right now.
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Ilene,
So sorry to hear about the latest developments with M. I can so strongly identify with what you've expressed.
One thing you can do, since she knows that you are aware of the very recent drug use, is to let her know that until she seeks help, you need to restructure the nature of your contact. One way is to continue pictures and letters but stop in-person contact for a while. This seems reasonable to me, because it does not cut her off from knowing how her daughter is doing, but does limit your risk/involvement in her situation.
I know you've offered to help her get help in the past. If you can, please re-make those offers.
Other than offering to help her get to professional help there is nothing else you can do. It is so hard. But remember she chose you to be your daughter's parent b/c at least a part of her didn't want her daughter around the environment that leads her to use drugs. By shielding your daughter from this, you are honoring the trust M placed in you in choosing you as your daughter's mom.
Hope this helps. Please feel free to pm (or email me if you still have my address) if you want to talk more about this privately.
All the best,
Ellie
Ilene,
Your number one proiority is your daughter and your immediate family. I would give her one warning and than cut the biological mother off from seeing her child until she is clean for at least 6 months. My husband says he would cut off contact completely. If she is an addict and knows where you live you can be putting your family in danger. It is not fair to your three children, your husband and you.
Jim and Cathy
I have a simular relationship with my daughter's "Udder Mudder" and I have made things very clear, you may see her as long as you are clean, I am not a taxi PERIOD, keep your friends away, and I love you but you are not to be trusted while I believe you are using. I love this woman and after 4 yrs we have learned that I truely mean what I say. We can have a very heated arguement and she will claim she never wants to see us again, I calmly tell I that is not possible, we love her, and I will call her tomorrow. She has gotten the picture, I mean what I say, I will not be held emotionally hostage, and I love her unconditionally. She has now been clean for about 8 months and she thanks me every time we talk for being there for her when she wanted to give up. She stays at my home for visits and takes our daughter on short visits to the park alone. This is a privilege she has earned by staying clean and respecting our relationship, she knows I won't put up with drugs and I can and have said no when I was uncomfortable. I understand where you are now and I hope you one day will be where I am.RAchel
OneHappyFamily
Ilene, Your number one proiority is your daughter and your immediate family. I would give her one warning and than cut the biological mother off from seeing her child until she is clean for at least 6 months. My husband says he would cut off contact completely. If she is an addict and knows where you live you can be putting your family in danger. It is not fair to your three children, your husband and you. Jim and Cathy
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My question is how do I limit contact without cutting it off completely? I want M to get the message that she's welcome in our lives as long as she's clean, and that until that time comes I don't want my daughter exposed to the type of people that M is running around with right now.[/QUOTE]
I would say it to her as straightforwardly as you have said it here. This is an important boundary that needs to be followed. Be strong.
We have thios same situation. Our 2 younger boys have the same birth mom. When Paul was 3, T got out of prison, she was sober for about 1.5 years after that. Before we let her visit the family for the first time, we made her sign a list lf rules. Number 1 was absolutely no drug use. We told her that if she started using again, that was it. Period. I don't care who she is, I won't have drugs near our kids.We were in contact with her parole officer and had permission to get the results of her mandated weekly tests. As soon as she failed the first test, my husband called her and told her not to come over. ( She is my hubbys sister and we had a very very open adoption) She was very upset and said some very ugly things. She was finally arrested again when she was about 2 weeks pregnant with Elijah. She won't be out of state prison till 2009, and has to serve fed time after that, but she knows that when she gets out, if there are any drugs at all, then she has zero visitation. I don't feel guilty about it at all either. The way I look at it, we wouldn't let any other drug addict near the kids, why should we break the rules for her? You have to stick to your convictions and do the safe thing for your child.