Birthfather support??

I am a birthmom.. I relinquished in1965.. I know there are some amazing birthdads who post on this site.. Maybe do a search for them.. Check out DavidKed.. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=210491&highlight=Davidked[/url] I also know there is an internet birthfather group but I do not have a link.. maybe worth searching for.. I would like to comment on marriage and resentments.. I got married in 1970.. and have been married ever since.. He knew about my bson but we never talked about it.. I could not talk about my bson..or my feelings with him.. I went for therapy in the early eighties.. I was close to separating from my husband.. We both went to lawyers.. I and my husband turned it around.. We started to talk.. We did the Harvel Hendriks thing (sp?).. We sat alone and gave each other time to talk about what was happening.. resentments etc.. No interruption.. No put downs.. Just listening and trying to stay in the relationship.. I know I did not start getting better until I started talking about my son.. Talking about my grief.. Heck crying and showing my grief.. Telling my husband about my grief was very big.. Very difficult.. It made me vulnerable and being vulnerable was very scary.. I worried I could not control myself if I did speak of my grief.. Twelve step program says.. Resentments are the number one defect of character.. It also says..(my interpretation) resentments will take us back out to our addictions.. I hope DavidKed posts and I hope the other birthdads who read these pages.. jump in.. This is such an important topic.. Jackie

dmontgomery ~ Here's the link to the profile of Richard Justin, a member here that is also a bfather. [url]http://www.familyforums.com/member.php?u=10798[/url] You could read his posts or send him a pmessage. I'm sure you'll find positive support here. :)

Hello dmontgomery, Try not to resent the bmom/your wife. I am sure that she thinks about him also! She is probably hurting very much deep down inside and might feel that if she lets those feelings out that she might not be strong enough to handle it? Maybe she is afraid that your other children might not understand and be unforgiving? I'm sure her heart is breaking! My mom never got over giving my baby brother (half brother) up for adoption even though it was for the best. I pray that he was given to a wonderful family, had a good life, and has a personal relationship with God!! May God continue to bless you, your wife, all of your children, and your entire family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't really add much to what's already been said except we all have our own way of dealing with this situation. My parents pressured me into having my son into adopted ... he was born in 1981 ... and I didn't have support from anybody else. For 23 years he wasn't talked about as that's the way my parents wanted it but that doesn't mean I didn't think about him, didn't care or didn't love him. As the years went by I was just very good at hiding my feelings. Last year we were reunited and it was such a relief to be able to talk about him. However my parents still wont talk to me about him even though they have contact with my son. My husband isn't my son's father so he had to deal with quite a bit when we were reunited as I refused to talk about my son until we were reunited. Obviously he knew the basic story but at the time I couldn't face talking about how I felt for all those years. It is hard though to prepare for the possibility of reunion as each one is unique but having said that there is so much support here and others do understand what you're going through. Pip :)

I am also a birth father. How that came to be is another story but let me just say that I understand how you feel. Although I don't know my daughter (she's 11) I think about her everyday and love her very much. At this point I don't expect to hear from her but I hope that as she gets older she looks for me one day. I can't wait! If I could see her at her graduation I would. If the adoptive mom doesn't know what you look like then I would go to the graduation and watch but not make contact. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as you don't interfere. I don't know if you plan to make contact some day but at the graduation probably wouldn't be the time to spring that surprise. Take care....

Also a birthfather ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- I hope this gets to your email box dmontgomery this is the third reply that I have received that was meant for you. signed: pegasus6456 This is from member name: bothsides I am also a birth father. How that came to be is another story but let me just say that I understand how you feel. Although I don't know my daughter (she's 11) I think about her everyday and love her very much. At this point I don't expect to hear from her but I hope that as she gets older she looks for me one day. I can't wait! If I could see her at her graduation I would. If the adoptive mom doesn't know what you look like then I would go to the graduation and watch but not make contact. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as you don't interfere. I don't know if you plan to make contact some day but at the graduation probably wouldn't be the time to spring that surprise. Take care....

Don't know if you are still around to read this, but I highly recommend counseling. You really need to deal with the resentment issues and even if you know all the answers, having an unbiased third party confirm them is somewhat liberating. Regarding the graduation - ask his mom. If you want to establish a relationship with your birth son, start it the right way. Earn their trust. Go via the appropriate channels so that no matter what happens, you know that you did it the right way. Course, this is easy for me to say, since my son is only four and we have an open adoption. From my observations of his parents though, they tend to draw away if I am secretive because they think the worst. They are more accomodating when I am open with them.

Hi DMontgomery. My name is Rich and I'm a birthfather. I searched for and found my son almost five years ago and we have a friendly relationship. But that outcome did not occur without personal stress and family dessention. Here is some of what I learned and experienced. My wife and family are the most important people in my life. As much as I needed to search for my bson, I didn't want lose any aspect of the positive family life I had. My wife was initially very resistant to the idea of a search. She feared for my relationship with my kids, for their emotional safety, and for what type of person I might find. (She's great at "worst-case" scenarios!) It took professional help for us to work through our feelings and preserve our marriage. I took all the time necessary to be sure she was ready (I'm talking years here) before I initiated a search. My kids were in their twenties by the time I was ready to search. Though my wife still had fears about how they would react to learning their dad had another child, I was confident in their maturity and love for me. They took the news well and expressed a desire to be involved if I did find my son. Their positive reaction relieved most of my wife's stress. (I also had to tell my parents and siblings, none of whom knew anything about this aspect of my life. All were supportive of a search, though my parents wondered why I had not been able to come to them at the time.) I also shared my story with a few key friends. all these people became a support group for me as I began the search. I had relieved much of the stress in my own life by being honest, removing the element of deciet from so many relationships, and especially by honoring and working through the feelings and fears my wife expressed. You have some tough times to get through, some hard decisions to make. I urge you to take all the time you need to be sure you do things right for the future of your marriage, your family, and the eventual relationship you hope to have with your son. Please kepp asking questions and keep us informed. There is a wealth of caring and experienced people on this site that will reach out to you. Rich