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I am the birthgrandma of "Ben", age 21 months and I just have to write and brag about his mother. My daughter is his birthmom and had him when she was 19 with 3 years of college left to go. I wanted to help my daughter keep him in the worst way, but my husband assured my daughter that if she kept her baby "she would ruin her life" and that "he wouldn't give a nickel to that child". Nice, huh?? With his cruel words, my daughter felt she would be homeless & poor. :( I told her I'd support her in any way I could and get her government aid if needed. But, nothing I said could assure her after her father put the fear of God into her and since he supports our family, I felt my hands were tied. At that same time, after years of marital strife, I was trying to save my marriage and I knew if I went against my husband, he would most likely leave.
Anyway, in the end, we found the perfect couple for my grandson. They had everything my daughter and her boyfriend wanted for their child including a sibling - a 4 year old boy whom they'd also adopted. My daughter & her boyfriend met with them and that was it. They just knew they were the ones. Ben's mother is the best...she's always e-mailing us pictures and let my daughter and boyfriend know they could visit whenever they're in town. Since they live in the same city as me, she told me I could visit whenever I needed a "fix". :) I have gotten to see my grandson now 4 times and it's wonderful. I just wish all parents who adopt could see how beautifully open adoption works and is truly the best thing for the child. She has a picture of my daughter & boyfriend in Ben's room and has started on birthfamily scrapbooks for both her boys. Ben will never wonder about his birthfamily or have questions as to why he looks like he does or whatever! We're right here and what a wonderful thing that is for him knowing he has not just one family who loves him, but three!
Do I wish I had done more to help my daughter...of course, I do. At that time, I was afraid of my husband, so put his feelings ahead of my daughters and, since she's just like him and hides her feelings well, she never broke down and begged me to help her keep her baby. If she had, he'd be with us today. My only conscelation is Ben has a wonderful family and my daughter is still in college pursuing her dream of film production. I felt at the time God had a plan and I guess this was it, but at alot of pain and sorrow for my daughter and myself.
If there are any other birthgrandmas out there who were put in a similiar position as myself, I would love to hear from you. Every day I feel sadness that Ben's not with us and could use support. I know I'm lucky that we're still part of his life, yet at the same time, he's not really a part of our family. I was raised that in times of crisis, families take care of their own. Right now, I have a brother who just found out his 18 year old is pg and he's doing everything he can to help her as she wants to keep it. I now feel terrible as he's doing what is right and I didn't. I'm afraid it will haunt me every day.
Thanks for listening.
MJ
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What a beautiful story you have written. In your last sentence you said that your brother is doing what is right for his daughter and that might be true. BUT-you did what was right for your daughter and family and all adoptive parents will applaud you that you and your daughter made that unselfless decision on placing your grandchild with a loving family.
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MJ,
Thank you for such a heartwarming story. I hope when we are matched, it's with a family like yours, who can still have a relationship with us and their child after the adoption.
So nice to hear this is possible!
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mjprice
I am the birthgrandma of "Ben", age 21 months and I just have to write and brag about his mother. My daughter is his birthmom and had him when she was 19 with 3 years of college left to go. I wanted to help my daughter keep him in the worst way, but my husband assured my daughter that if she kept her baby "she would ruin her life" and that "he wouldn't give a nickel to that child". Nice, huh?? With his cruel words, my daughter felt she would be homeless & poor. :( I told her I'd support her in any way I could and get her government aid if needed. But, nothing I said could assure her after her father put the fear of God into her and since he supports our family, I felt my hands were tied. At that same time, after years of marital strife, I was trying to save my marriage and I knew if I went against my husband, he would most likely leave.
Anyway, in the end, we found the perfect couple for my grandson. They had everything my daughter and her boyfriend wanted for their child including a sibling - a 4 year old boy whom they'd also adopted. My daughter & her boyfriend met with them and that was it. They just knew they were the ones. Ben's mother is the best...she's always e-mailing us pictures and let my daughter and boyfriend know they could visit whenever they're in town. Since they live in the same city as me, she told me I could visit whenever I needed a "fix". :) I have gotten to see my grandson now 4 times and it's wonderful. I just wish all parents who adopt could see how beautifully open adoption works and is truly the best thing for the child. She has a picture of my daughter & boyfriend in Ben's room and has started on birthfamily scrapbooks for both her boys. Ben will never wonder about his birthfamily or have questions as to why he looks like he does or whatever! We're right here and what a wonderful thing that is for him knowing he has not just one family who loves him, but three!
Do I wish I had done more to help my daughter...of course, I do. At that time, I was afraid of my husband, so put his feelings ahead of my daughters and, since she's just like him and hides her feelings well, she never broke down and begged me to help her keep her baby. If she had, he'd be with us today. My only conscelation is Ben has a wonderful family and my daughter is still in college pursuing her dream of film production. I felt at the time God had a plan and I guess this was it, but at alot of pain and sorrow for my daughter and myself.
If there are any other birthgrandmas out there who were put in a similiar position as myself, I would love to hear from you. Every day I feel sadness that Ben's not with us and could use support. I know I'm lucky that we're still part of his life, yet at the same time, he's not really a part of our family. I was raised that in times of crisis, families take care of their own. Right now, I have a brother who just found out his 18 year old is pg and he's doing everything he can to help her as she wants to keep it. I now feel terrible as he's doing what is right and I didn't. I'm afraid it will haunt me every day.
Thanks for listening.
MJ
MJ - your brother is doing what is right for them. You made the best decision you could at the time you had to make it.
Adoption is painful. So is watching a child fail as a parent because they were not ready to be one. So is parenting that child after your child has failed them, or worse, losing them to 'the system'.
As our season where we celebrate peace, joy and family I say count your blessings, not your regrets.
1. You have a beautiful daughter.
2. She is not on drugs, living on the street, dropped out, working at McDonalds or worse.
3. She feels good enough and secure enough to pursue her dreams in college - showing her child that there is life after loss.
4. You have a beautiful grandson.
5. You see him whenever you want (not all grandparents get this, either in adoptive or biological relationships)
6. Your grandson has wonderful parents, just like you'd want him to.
7. You are an example for others - your niece, perhaps - that adoption isn't all "Lifetime Television for Women" horror stories.
I've often been asked 'how could she do that? I never could' regarding my son's birth mom. I say "That's because God put the strength in your heart to parent. He put the strength in her heart to not parent."
So hang in there, and remember, everything for a reason, even the bad stuff.
Regina
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Regina,
Thank you so much for your wise words. I just need to keep focusing on the positives and not on my own personal regrets. It truly was my faith in God that got me through it all. I kept telling my daughter that God had a plan and he was just working his miracle through her.
Have a wonderful holiday season and again, thank you for taking the time to remind me of my blessings. :)
MJ
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Julie,
Thank you for your post. I, too, pray you find a family like ours (well, except for my husband) who loves your child as much as you will. My husband believes there is no point in being a part of our grandson's life since he really isn't a part of our family. I think many people feel this way because open adoption is so new. I have encountered people who are uncomfortable hearing me talk about my grandson since he's not legally my grandson. Legalities don't change what the heart feels and I thank God for people like my grandson's parents and you who allow the child to be loved by all involved.
God Bless and happy holidays!
MJ
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Hi MJ,
I agree, and that's why I love the idea of open adoption.... plus I love that we will have an extended family, because though we will be parenting, we won't be the only parents. Our child will have birthparents and possibly siblings and aunts/uncles/grandparents. I don't want to take that away from our child.
We are definitely more comfortable with the openness in adoption then our families, but I think once they see for themselves how it can be a really beautiful thing and I know they will take their cues from us.
May God bless you and your family, and Happy Holidays to you, too!!!
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