trouble ending bad marriage

i dont think it is an adoption issue at all...some woman stay in realtionships even if they are abusive....i think this is where the difference is, in the sexes. men might also, but woman do it more..IMO....but im sure some woman out here might know about this then me. you seperated from him 3 yrs ago, your probably just not ready to let go...for what ever reason.... i would go see a therapist and discuss it.

Quick question for you Vic: Do you feel like more of a mother or wife to him? What role have you played in the relationship. My guess is that part of the issue is that due to his weaknesses (drugs, infidelity, financial) you have found yourself over the years covering and protecting him like a mother would. I could be wrong, but if you find that you feel more like you are in a mother role with him, your assiciated feelings with abandoning a child would be in line. Just remember he is a troubled man who needs help, not a child. Help him to help himself if you can, but always remember to take care of you in the process as well.

wow, reading a post i submitted 9 months ago, amazing how quickly one can grow. mike, yes i mothered and protected him. the family i grew up in was also disfunctional, emotionally and physically violent w/o a moments notice, so i was vigilant. in the marriage i remained vigilant and prepared to clean up the mess. i'm getting better. vicky

I am glad to hear you are getting better. How have things gone since then with you two?

I too am trying to end a relationship. It was only for 5 1/2 years. We have been separated for 8 months. Since that time my husband fell in love with someone else. He left her and came back to me because it was what he felt was "right". He still hasn't committed to me. We are still apart. I never gave up hope. I slept with the phone on my bed. I jumped up and ran to th the window everytime I heard a car engine hoping it would be him. It killed me when he was with someone else to see a woman's car parked in the driveway of "our" house. I have been there for him and recently helped him through his mother's death. Only to be told he doesn't love me like he used to. He also has been trying to get me moved back home and then tells me that the time is not right. For the last two months he was telling me we couldn't fix our problems unless I moved back. I have came to realize that neither one treated each other right during our marriage and now he is not treating me with the respect I need. I haven't been able to let go because I can't handle rejection. I learned I was adopted at 5. It haunted me. At 33, I felt I was strong enough to locate my bmom and deal with whatever her reaction was. I found her quickly. Her reaction was not good. She basically told me that she never wanted me, never heard me cry, and my curiosity was morose. I have no knowledge of why she took my "being" so hard but her rejection crushed me. I cling to things that hurt me because I can't handle rejection in any form. So, I think adoption and rejection and letting go all go hand in hand.

cday, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I cannot handle rejection either. But for some reason I seem to be drawn to situations where I could possibly face rejection...its like a game for myself...some say self sabotage. Ending a relationship is so hard, I almost ended my engagement last month after almost 6 years of being together. Instead of running across country to my family (like I almost did) we entered therapy together. And we have improved 99.9%! The therapist doesn't "fix" anything, but makes us realize the word "fix" is not all its cracked up to be if you know what I mean. Its about compromise and putting yourself in the others shoes....and of course respect. You do deserve respect from your husband no matter what and I hope that whatever happens you can do it with dignity. I feel for you also about how your reunion went with your bmom. That must have hurt you to the core. Have you searched for your bdad? Keep posting if it helps and know that we're here for you, healingfeeling

I understand how you feel vicbaker and I wish you luck in doing what is best. I too am in an abusive and controlling relationship, it's probably best to leave and I cannot seem to and I am likely co-dependant, even if BF expresses concerns about our relationship I cling to him.I feel that if we split up I will feel useless and unwanted by everyone, my bparents, my BF etc. I feel I should stop playing the 'victim' it's just hard.cday-sorry to hear about your experiences, I really know what you mean about listening for the car, or phone or whatever. It's torture. Good luck to you also.It seems fairly clear that your husband has rarely been physically or emotionally there for you. You have done well to seperate. I guess the final stage is just so hard -the divorce.