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My daughter found her adoption papers some months back. Now, this may not seem like much, but she never knew she was adopted. We kept it from her thinking that she may be able to grow up with a normal life if she didn't know. When she was younger she was also abused by her adoptive father, my ex-husband. He was sent to jail after a neighbor heard my daughter's screams and called the police. I was at work at the time.
It's been eight years since my daughter had made contact with my ex, and when she was younger my friends had simply told me that she didn't need to know about her adoption on top of everything going on in her life. Now eight years later, she still flinches when I go to hug her, and even before she found her papers she had trust issues.
When she found her papers she called a conference involving her school pyschologist, her, and me. She confronted me about the papers, and in anger she left midway through.
Now when I try to bring up the subject she seems to quickly change the subject. I asked her friends if she talked about it, but they told me they simply don't bring it up.
I know she tends to hold things inside, and I'm scared that she may be hurting. She constantly reassures me telling me "everything's fine," but I'm scared its not.
I feel guilty still that I wasn't a good enough mother when she was younger, always working and turning the other cheek when my ex hit her, and I'm scared that I've lost the right to ask her if she is telling the truth. I was thinking of asking her to go to a pyschologist outside of school, but I recently found out that she stopped going to the pysch in school all together. And although it may seem like this is normal seeing as its a new school year, she was very attached to the school pyschologist, and seem to trust him, which is very surprising. It seems as if she completely shut herself away from anyone, even her friends. What should I do? Your opinion would be greatly appreciated.
-Noel
Noel,
I was saddened to read your post. You sound like a very loving and kind mother to me. Is there a way to get in touch with the school counselor she trusts and ask him to continue to work with her? Maybe you could be included in some of the meetings and could express your reasons for the decision to not tell her and express your regret (or whatever you are feeling) in front of a third party such as this counselor who already knows her. As her mother, you will always have the right to expect the truth out of her even though you believe you made a mistake. We all make mistakes in parenting and to recognize them is the first step. She probably is hurting but being honest about your feelings is probably the best thing for her to hear. I am still waiting for my mom to be able to express herself honestly instead of always trying to deny or cover up her feelings.
If she has shut out her friends, she could be falling into a depression. Maybe you could take her to the family doctor and if she needs a referral to a psychiatrist/psychologist, you can get it.
Hang in there and trust your instincts.
Lynard1210
closed Illinois adoptee
Mom to Matthew, age 11
Mom to Marilyn, age 9 mos (adopted 6/24/05)
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I agree with the previous poster, but also want to mention that if she's not ready to go to a psychologist don't force her. For some people (specially those of us that feel safer and more comfortable holding things in) being forced will make us more angry, depressed or withdrawn. When she is ready you could probably get a good referal to an experienced adoption therapist and if she isn't ready soon then go by yourself. An experienced therapist with know about adoption issues and her abuse issues.
You know that i had found my papers the same way, i was 9yrs old and barely knew what adoption meant. Soon found out i had acted the same way as your daughter. We are taught to tell the truth all the time from our parents and when a child no matter what age views that it has been violated that is the reaction you will recieve. It will ware off soon, not telling a child they are adopted is a very good thing until a certain age, what age is that? well only you can know. after the child is in their 15, 16, 17 years of age it is time to lift the shield. the longer you wait the stonger the cost of emotions, please do not take this as a personal attack but, not telling your child she is adopted was a selfish act and a tactic that parents do when they fear the child will leave. They will not leave you, it is wanting to know who you are and were you come from. She will need your total support if she chooses to know the why? I am 36years old and have been seaching for my mother for 15yrs now i love and adore my adopted mother but, the not knowing will either boost your will to live or it could jepordize a life with complications. I was a holy terror for
3 yrs when i found out, it gets better. well good luck and always be honest and up front, remember that you did not only adopt her but, she came in this world for you. We as Adoptees have the right to know, we could not speak or understand at the time of ADOPTION.
GOOD LUCK
Baby Boy Guild
What a post. Good for her for calling a meeting and confronting you! It sounds like she can stand on her own feet. Have you apologized? Do you regret the choice you made not to tell her and if so have you expressed that to her? That is where you can begin... her reaction may be to make it ok for you, but as you know, and I think you expressed in your post... what you did was wrong. Take ownership of your behavior... and I think you will see that will make a world of difference for her. It is obvious that you love her deeply and want what is best for her. I wish you the very best.
Kim
[font=Comic Sans MS]Noel,[/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]I am so sorry your daughter and you are having such a hard time. It's too bad she's shut down and is unwillingly to talk, or listen I suspect.[/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]You don't mention her exact age but I imagine she's in her teens. Perhaps you might consider writing her a letter. A truthful heartfelt letter explaining why you didn't tell her about being adopted, that you're sorry she found out the way she did and that you will love and support her always no matter what. If you're comfortable, maybe tell her what you know about her birth parents, and offer to help and/or support her if she'd like to try and find out more information.[/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]A letter would allow her to 'hear' you at her own pace, with no interuptions, no 'tones' and no storming off. That may open the door for her to express her feelings.[/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]Finally, do read all you can on these forums. The information you can learn about adoptees' feelings and perceptions is invaluable.[/font]
[font=Comic Sans MS]Good luck to you, and do keep us posted.[/font]
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This is a really difficult situation. It is a shame she had to find out this way instead of just knowing from earliest memories that she was adopted...then it just would have been a part of her and not a shock.
Part of the issue she is dealing with is (from her point of view, mind you, and I am describing), is anger at you for lying to her. Now everything is called into question and she may feel at a deep level that she cannot trust anything she's been told or believed about you and her her family and herself.
She would do well to see a therapist who is familiar with adoption issues and this type of situation. I'd begin by writing her a long letter appologizing for not telling her from "brith" about being adopted, and why you did what you did. You should probably explain that you meant well and that you made a mistake; that you should have told her the truths she could hear all along as she was growing up...first that she was adopted, then that your ex was not nice...was hurtful...etc., until she eventually heard the who story.
regards
I always believed that being honest to yourself and others always wins out. Tell your daughter that you have made a terrible mistake by not telling her the truth about her adoption when she was younger. If she thinks that you have no regrets, she will distance herself from you even more. Good luck to you, you will be in my prayers.