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Well, I hate to comeout of lurkdom but I have not seen any posts in the past 3 pages of threads that address the should-I or shouldn't-I question.
My DH and I have been trying to adopt for almost two years. We almost matched with a aa/hisp baby but the bmom decided to parent. Since we only knew of the situation for a couple of days it was only painful for a small while.
Now we have another opportunity and after reading these threads I am less certain that we could do this well. By well, I mean do right by the child's ethnicity and inclinations. This situation is either aa/cc or aa, bmom is not sure. And last night I was over the moon as so much of this situation suits us - a bmom 99% certain to place ( a huge one since las ttime most of our family, including dd, was with us at the hospital when bmom decided to parent and that was even more painful ), no substances, no mental health issues, and a bmom who would like some open-ness.
We work in a very culturally diverse area (have a biz there, in fact) and while our neighborhood is predominantly white, our favorite neighbors who have kids are black and we try to get together alot and I'm certain we'd try even harder with a aa or biracial kid added to our fmaily. Our dd goes to a french school whose attitudes about race are far different and less polarizing than americans. Our next child will go there as well.
I guess I am feeling the prejudices that surrounded me while growing up. While my parents raised us to not hold to those thoughts and beliefs, we were definitely surrounded by it. we were the only jewish family in our neighborhood and my own response to the ignorance was to hate my last name, my nose, my curly/kinky hair until well into my adulthood. In fact, i was far too embarassed to even pick up a penny because of that ehtnic joke about how the grand canyon was made - jew dropped a penny. I am so afraid my child would feel similar self-hating feelings and that would just crush him or her and, therefore, me
I so do not want to look up suddenly and wonder - did we made a huge mistake?. How cruel to our child.
I guess what I am asking is did any of you who adopted transracially have huge doubts and fears? If so, did you wait til you worked through that before accepting any transracial situations? I thought we had worked this through and felt good and now I am seized by doubt.
Any thoughts and help appreciated
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i think anyone adopting transracially has doubts and fears. that is good though. it means you are thinking logically about what is best for your child. i have two children, both are aa/cc. i still worry about what they will face as they get older. i love them with all my heart and would not change them or the fact that we are a family for one minute, but that doesn't mean i don't worry about what life holds for them as aa/cc person growing up in a predominatly white family. i do my best to expose them to many cultures, my son goes to a very ethnically diverse school, i sought out a predominatly aa church. one of the best things i have done is found a support group with other transracial families. i know my kids will have these kids to grow up with and can talk to them about what it is like to grow up in a transracial family. it has been a wonderful experience for me and my family!
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Going through all the what-if's is very important. You have to truly envision this child's life and it sounds like you are. Best of luck to you.
Oh, let me gently save you from a correction that will likely appear within moments. You are talking to Potential Bmom, not Bmom. She can only be referred to as Bmom after adoption..
bakerybabe
I guess what I am asking is did any of you who adopted transracially have huge doubts and fears? If so, did you wait til you worked through that before accepting any transracial situations? I thought we had worked this through and felt good and now I am seized by doubt.
Not huge doubts and fears for me. I remember telling the agency that I just wanted to be a parent. Hubby had some doubts, probably more to do with how other people would react, what they'd say, whatever. That lasted until he laid eyes on her the first time. He was instantly smitten. Still is. So am I. The lawyer told us that the first instinct is usually the correct one, that you just know when you've found the child who you are meant to raise. I agree.
Fear and doubt is perfectly healthy here. There's a lot to think about and be concerned about. Transracial adoption, in particular, doesn't add a child who will fit neatly into your comfy world; it often requires changing your world and/or lifestyle to make the child more comfy. I think you're on the right track in comparing this to your own experience as a child. What would it have taken for you to grow up being comfortable with all of yourself? Your child will need the same kinds of support systems. Along those lines, I'd encourage you to re-think your neighborhood. One aa family is nice (by the way, have you ever wondered why there is only one family??), but what happens if/when that family moves? Attending an international school is great too (I grew up learning/speaking French and traveling to France) but the culture overseas can be just as inhospitable to black Africans as the U.S. can be toward black Americans. What resources are available in your community for transracial families? What social or community groups might you involve the child in (e.g. Jack and Jill)? These are all things to check into. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for transracial adoption but it does require a lot of work to be done well.
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Now I'll go out on a limb here.......
While I think it's important for you to consider how this child will grow up.......it is more important (IMO).....for you to recognize how you both will feel about this child.
Situations change. Neighborhoods change. (We live in a very rural area...predominately white......10 miles from the nearest college town that is more diverse.)......but, I can tell you that---for most of their years---we raised our first two within this environment, very successfully.....and they are Asian. Our youngest two are AA, and still toddlers.
Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome...but the bottom line in everything I have read is 'how will you deal with forever being a family of color?'
Are you both prepared to cry, laugh and discuss with your child about this hard world of racism? Is there a chance that you will continually wish you had a bi-racial child, or CC baby instead? And....given that this baby might be AA......will you be disappointed that s/he might not have a lighter complexion, or more CC features?
One of the saddest things I have seen...is when adoptive parents go into transracial adoption.....and continually try to make the child/baby seem 'lighter'.....try to 'play down' the darker complexion'........or read about the parents talking about 'how this baby just doesn't seem to be like ours......'
These are the things I find more important. You can always find more people to be with, a new neighborhood, a different church, it's true. But, if there is even a twinge of 'gee, I wish s/he were lighter, or really CC'......then I think there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed before taking in any child of color.
Please understand, I do not mean to offend you. I can appreciate that you're asking questions because you and your husband are taking this move seriously. (And this is good, because I don't think a lot of people do...)
But, it's the 'gut-level' feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all......regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it's that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.
My best to you in whatever you decide....
Sincerely,
Linny
We chose to pass on this opportunity. We decided that our indecision was enough to let let us know we didn't feel comfortable yet.
Linny, your post triggered much thinking. We definitely will have difficulty with non-cc features. It will be another mourning in our long and sad journey. We came to realize that by choosing to adopt transracially we will be letting go of yet another degree of connectedness, albeit superficial.
We first let go of my genetics in our journey by usin byg donor egg and then we let go of DH's genetics in using donor sperm. We then let go of biology using a surrogate( my generous twin sister). As none of these panned out, we let go of even more connectedness by choosing to adopt. And now, here we are contemplating a further separation of connectedness. That's not to say there hasn't been joy along the way and newfound wisdom in our ever expanding definition of family, but it IS yet another thing to mourn and let go of.
And so we chose to pass on this situation as the due date was in only two to three weeks and we need more time to mourn this newest loss so that we can then embrace the newest soul to join our family.
Thank you all for your generous time in answering my post.
Deborah
But, it's the 'gut-level' feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all......regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it's that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.
I'm getting in a little late in the conversation here but I wanted to discuss something I hadn't seen come up yet. Before you adopted did any of you contemplate how adopting transracially would change YOUR racial identity? I know none of us can ever change the color of our skin...but culture and race are more than just shades of brown skin. When I married my DP we began carrying on the traditions of my inlaws, we celebrate both Hannukah and Christmas as they were a mixed religious household (and now we are too). When our girls came to live with us we began to select our friends, neighborhood, even music and artwork so that it celebrated our new transcultural/transracial family. We have decided that if we try to concieve our next child instead of adopting that we will use an AA donor. Somewhere your choices stop being for your children and who they are and are just because it's who your family is and who you are. We are a black family just as much as we are a white family. Thirty years from now when I'm a grandmother in a room surrounded by my children their spouses and my grandchildren, I will probably be the only caucasian in the room. Through the process of this adoption I have challenged how I personally racially/culturally identify in a way that I never thought about before I began this journey.
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Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome...but the bottom line in everything I have read is 'how will you deal with forever being a family of color?' ---Linny
J and N, great point! It still catches me by surprise sometimes when I notice a way my life is changed by parenting AA/biracial kids.
When I lucked into meeting my DH and concluded that if I could sucker him into dating me ;) my biokids would be biracial, I gave some thought to the reaction of my family and community--but even with my eyes wide open, I did not realize all the implications having AA kids would have for my life.
I knew myself well and felt certain that I wouldn't be bothered if some of the people in my life did not accept my kids--I don't value relationships with those kinds of folks anyway.
But what I couldn't know before living it was how ANNOYING it is when people assume all kinds of things about my life, my background, and my values because of who my kids are. I don't even mean people who I care about--I mean store clerks, the children's librarian, the guy at the post office, the next-door neighbor.
I find it easier to steel myself against outright bigotry and not let it bother me, but the much more frequent drip-drip-drip of having people make little and usually incorrect judgements about me really pushes my buttons.
On the one hand, it is a good experience for me to have because it provides insight into what people who are likely to be stereotyped (like my kids!) have to put up with every day.
On the other hand, it makes me want to stick pins in some people. :evilgrin:
Bakerybabe, I think you are wise to know where you are in your process and not take on more than you are ready for. I hope you will find a situation that you can be eager for and at peace with.
jandn
Thirty years from now when I'm a grandmother in a room surrounded by my children their spouses and my grandchildren, I will probably be the only caucasian in the room. Through the process of this adoption I have challenged how I personally racially/culturally identify in a way that I never thought about before I began this journey.
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