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I apologize up front for the length of the message but I want to give the whole picture. We were recently matched with a little boy (turned three in July) for adoption. However, we have a lot of concerns and don't know where to turn. We have one daughter (five years old) whom we adopted at birth.
Our fears are: bio mom has history of bipolar and drug use. We don't know if baby tested for drugs at birth. He did show autism like tendencies early on but basically spent first 10 months of his life in car seat. Was removed at 10 months. Has been in two foster homes since. Current foster home okay but very chaotic as she has a lot of little children she cares for. He is delayed in speech but has made lots of progress. Has fear of bath but does okay. Use to scream for hours non-stop.. doesn't do this anymore. We met him Friday and then spent all day Sunday with him at our home. He definitely has some "different" actions but nothing very severe. If he gets his feelings hurt he runs to a corner of a room away from everyone else but recovers quickly with kind words from us. He calls all women mommy and all men daddy. He is very, very small and his forehead seems rather large... sort of like his eyes are too big for his little face. He is so precious. He communicates fairly well... uses some sign language. Will give hugs and kisses but doesn't like to sit down - like for a story.
I know this email is jumbled.. but does anyone have any advice. We are so worried that he may have mental illness or autism and we just don't think we can handle that. Do we have the right to speak with his doctors and therapists? Can we see his medical records? The social worker wants to move him in with us by the end of the week... we thought we would have a slower transition period. Although he didn't want to leave our home on Sunday... left with us willingly and didn't seem to miss foster mom.. could this be RAD? What are the symptoms of RAD? We are so confused and not sure what our rights are. He definitely needs a good home and we don't want to confuse him by seeing him now and then deciding a few weeks for now that he is not a good match for our family. Are we awful for feeling confused? I feel so guilty - it seems like I should be jumping for joy that we have a match and instead I am scared to death.
Thanks for any input.
Lisa
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I only have time for a quick reply, so I may post again later.
1. Slow down if you want to. You SW should not be pushing you. Take your time. If you are going to be mom and dad, take control of the situation now, and run it at your pace
2. Big forehead - this was discussed recently on the Russion board. Appears to be common for malnurished kids (sp?)
3. I would think you have every right to see the medicals, and should see them. This is a lifelong decision, and you have a right to see the facts
4. RAD - I would not be concerned that he did not miss his FM. It soulds more like a daycare or orphanage situation than a real home. He is probably gettng much more attention and love from you. He recognizes this and clings to it
5. Running to a corner - Seems smart to me. He has found a way to comfort himself since there was no one else to do it. It is much better than rocking himslf for hours, which many orphahage kids do.
6. Calling everyone mom and dad - I do not see an issue. My friends birth daughter (2 years old) called me mom when I was at the playground with her and my DD.
Overall - take control of the situation. That in itself will help you calm your fears. Take the time you need, get the medicals you need, and make the decision when you are ready. That way you will not be pushed into it, and always wonder if you did the right thing,
Kay
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Hi Lisa,First, you sound really, really stressed! Take the time you need to think this through. Don NOT let anyone rush you into taking him in until you feel ready. My four adopted children were all drug exposed. One was born with drugs in his system but not addicted. He nearly died at birth though. He is 15 yrs old and very bright. My youngest who is 9 now does have learning disabilities and is in special education in school. She too was neglected as a baby and didn't have proper stimulation yet she is very bright as well just has difficulty learning. My girls ALL called me Mommy from the first day I met them. I think that's just because they had been through so many foster homes they didn't even know what a "mommy" really was. All women were mommy's to them. It did make me a bit uncomfortable because there was no meaning in the word when they called me that. My son used our first names till he was with us about 4 months and then he tried "mom & dad" one day. That was special! The sitting by himself in the corner is just a comfort thing for him I'm sure. My youngest obsesssivly rubs her wrist and has a big black caulous on it for comfort. It's been 4 years and I still can't break her of this habit. I think you need to extend your visitations with this child until YOU feel more comfortable. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and please don't feel guilty for knowing what you can and cannot handle. This is YOUR life and only you know what those limits are. It is in the best interest of this or any child to be sure you can handle things. My kids all had some "weird behavior when they first came and most of those behaviors diminished or disappeared within a year. My kids were sibling group ages 5,7,9 & 11 when we adopted them. Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions or just want to vent! Dee (Mom of 8)
Just from my brief reading of your post....this child presents some serious issues...and will require a lot of intensive parenting on all levels.
Of our seven children......four have been baby adoptions, three have been older child adoptions. We have learned some very horrid lessons from our choice to adopt older children. We would never do this again.
Part of the reason...is because we realize that parenting an older child (and one of ours had just turned three when he came...the other two were 'just turned seven', and six years old)......takes on an entirely different scope of parenting than that of baby adoptions. We felt we were very well prepared for any/everything. We weren't.
There are a lot of unknowns here....and you have to consider the effects of this child---and the attention he will need, (both physically and emotionally), and how this will definately play out with the five year old you already have. This is not to say this can't be done....but it will be tough, and nothing like parenting your child that was adopted at birth.
Please educate yourself. Please talk with MANY other couples who have already adopted older children. Do not go into this thinking that you can 'save a child if you bring him into your home'...because while this may be so......he will also demand an essessive amount of parenting you will have to give him, far beyond the scope of what you might think of 'regular parenting'.
Please be careful and deliberate in your consideration. And, as someone already wrote, do NOT feel pressured to take this little one in. It is all too common for sw'ers to tell you only about the 'good stuff'...and leave out the reality of true behaviors.
My best to you in whatever you decide.
Sincerely,
Linny
Hi,
I agree that you should take your time with the visitation and transition if you choose to persue. Even though that is totally opposite of what we did and we are very happy, all the issues that have come up with our now 1 yr old, 3 yr old, and 5 yr old are STILL totally worth it. If the child feels right for you then in time you'll be able to get a better grasp of how to get him through everything.
Now for my thoughts on what you posted about his behaviors and looks.....
The running to the corner thing I agree could be a confort thing for him, and I see nothing wrong with it. As far as the question of RAD, there are some great websites listing the symptoms of RAD, but you probably wouldn't be able to see most of the symptoms until the honeymoon period of him living with you is over.
Calling you mommy so quickly could just be because he associates the woman in the house he goes to as mom. It's your name. I know with my kids they lived with a relative and when they came to us they were ready for a mom, so by thier choice they called my mom and DH dad from the get go. I wouldn't worry about that either, just enjoy being mom :-)
The fact that he wasn't tested for drugs at birth would make it hard to decide what was going on with the lil guy, but small body size, oversized forhead, things like this are possible signs of Fetal ALcohol Syndrome/Effect. Another symptom of FAE/FAS is sensory issues..... the not sitting down could be a sensory isue, or a ADD related issue.
I would ask the case worker for a start up file on the child, see what info they can give you at placement. We got some basic information with the placement of our three, but we did have to ask for it. Some of his behaviors could also be picked up from other kids he lived with, and if his previous foster home was very busy, it may just be that he doesn't quite know what to do with himself.
My best advice is get to know the child, do your research, ask the SW for info, and mention any concerns you have to the SW. If autism, FAE/FAS, drug exposure, RAD, or any other ailments are behind his behaviors, you will want to get the proper care for him ASAP.
Good luck, and keep us posted!
Carrie
A year and 1/2 ago we adopted a sib group ages 2,3,4and 5 (at the time) out of similar circumstances. Severe neglect of all kids, known drug exposure in youngest 2 (probably all 4), several foster home placements.
First of all, know that any child raised to age 3 in the circumstances you describe will have some abnormal behaviors, and will not understand what 'Mom' really means, especially if he has had several foster placements. He has had to come up with stragtegies to get his needs met, and to deal with the insecurity in his short little life.
As for delays, all of my kids were delayed-my 2 and 3yos were both in diapers and both were behind in speech. My 4yo threw hellacious tantrums, was very agressive, and was supposed to be ADHD. And my 5yo thought she was an adult, but fought with kids her own age. It is very rough and frustrating dealing with these behaviors-it takes alot of patience, consistancy, and love. If you choose to take this child you will have days when you wonder why you did it, and you will at times feel that you made a mistake. It WILL be rough for six months to a year.
Before taking him, get all of the info that you can. His social worker should be able to provide you with his files, which should include any psych evaluations, foster parents reports, Drs visits, etc. My kids files included the family history as well.
As for his mother's mental health issues; raising any child, whether biological or adopted, is a crap shoot. We all have relatives that have had completely normal childhoods and parents and turned out to be less than successful due to addiction or mental health issues.
Now for the good news. In spite of his drug exposure and rocky beginning, this child can still be a wonderful addition to your family. Since we became a family, our children have blossomed. They have caught up to their peers, and the tantrums and other odd behaviors have melted away. They do well in preschool and school, are happy and afectionate, and are indistinguishable from any other children their ages. (My 'ADHD' son is not on any meds and is a favorite of his teachers and coaches).
If you decide that you are willing (and able) to take him on, don't wait too long; indecision is a decision in the eyes of an overworked social worker.
Hope this helps.
-Diana
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I totally agree with Dianamom4. It's basically a crap shoot and has cold and hard as that seems, you really won't know the entire story until he has been in your home for AT LEAST a year or so. I've fostered children with similar symptoms of this child, the constant screaming, fear of bathing. Things did get better with the little one I had but that's not a given. We got him immediately in early intervention and he's now doing well (2 years later) with an excellent adoptive family and us being very aware of his issues and working hard with him. It was exhausting. The 3 year old you describe, with the number of placements and losses he has had, will likely have some attachment issues. I agree that you need to be very aggressive in getting ALL of the information possible, birth records, maybe even neurological testing done, before you decide. Do NOT let an agency force you to be placed sooner than you are ready and do NOT feel badly if you feel this child will take so much time away from your 5 year old that this is a situation you are not ready for. We call it "quality of life" here in our home and have been careful of every child we fostered or adopted. Of course we will have issues in our future, ALL children and adults have issues. It's a matter of what your family is able to call quality of life. Best wishes. Everyone here has given you great advice. Josie