Advertisements
[font=Comic Sans MS]It's not that they don't understand it's that they won't...[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Dec. 26, 2001, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I went through an agency to find my a/family and they are truly the most wonderful people I've ever met. We have an open adoption, I get a six or seven page letter with LOADS of pictures every six months. I know that I am one of the lucky ones, alot of b/mothers don't get that, some are even promised that, and the a/parents end up changing their obligations later. That's not my case. I communicate directly to them, I could drive to their house if I wanted. I am so blessed in that regard.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]The reason I placed was because (obviously) the timing was all wrong. I was with a very physically and verbally abusive boyfriend, who was crazy (literally, he was diagnosed) and his family is crazy as well. When I was pregnant, his cousin threatened to kill me. I believed it. My parents are also crazy. My father is a Rx junkie, taking almost anything he can get his hands on and my stepmom was very physically abusive and slightly neglectful to all of my siblings and me. Those were just a FEW of the reasons I placed, I felt like I had to get my little girl as FAR away from her biological family as possible. I didn't want her growing up the way I did around those people.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]After I gave birth, I called my dad to tell him what had happened. He knew that I was going to place my child, but in the hospital, he couldn't care less. He wanted to talk about how horrible his holiday was, and how miserable he was. No regard for how MY holiday was or how miserable I was. He didn't even ask. About two weeks after placement, I was disowned by my family. I was out of state, and they blocked all long distance and collect calls. I was totally out of touch with them for two years, and was terribly depressed. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Finally, I sat down and thought, "If I didn't know how my daughter was and if she was happy and well, it would kill me." So I got in touch with my dad. He was happy to hear from me, and we started to mend fences. They had all kinds of questions as to where my baby was, and how she was. I told them she was fine, but I lied to them as to where she was. I was afraid- and rightly so- that they would find out, and cause trouble for the a/family and try to disrupt the life of my little girl. Later I found out that my mother (I have a stepmother as well) called a bunch of adoption agencies in the state I placed, with the intent on locating my a/family, saying that she had important medical information to disclose. It was a lie, and I got a call from my CW that she'd called. Of course, ALL the agencies she called said that they could, "Neither confirm nor deny that she's (me) ever been a client here." Needless to say, I was LIVID. I never told my mother I knew that though, I didn't want to give her any impression that she was on the right track. She, however thinks that she has rights to my child. She's upset that I didn't consider her, and that I won't tell her anything about the a/family or my little girl. Won't even show her a picture.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]My step mother wanted to know why I placed. Why I never kept my little girl. I told her what she wanted to hear, because I knew she didn't want the truth. The truth hurts, right? My stepmom knew I was lying, and kept prying, over days and days. I finally had enough, and let the beans spill. "Because you're crazy- all of you. Me too, probably, because of you. Dad's a drug addict, and you're insane. Abusive. Plus the b/father's family. Do you think I want my daughter around all that?" I asked. "Do you think she deserves to grow up in such insanity? Like I did and my brother and sister? She's better than that. She deserves a real shot in life with parents who will nurture her, not make her feel bad for who she is. The only way I could have kept her would to be to get as FAR away from ALL of you as possible and never have anything to do with you, and I couldn't do that, not even finacially." My stepmom was SO mad- but she WANTED the truth. I told her that she'd never know where my daughter really was, because I didn't trust her not to look up the family and go tormenting. Or trashing me, saying bad things about me. That's the truth of it.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Now my family resents me for it. They feel like I've thrown away my chance at parenthood, and cheated them of grandparenthood. That it wasn't my desicion alone to make. I should have considered the feelings of those around me, instead of being selfish. My a/family would have found another baby to adopt...look at what I've done. And I've embarrassed everyone. And I've made myself look like an idiot for doing what I've done. But, they tell me, they'll wash their hands, I have to live with that mistake.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I DO NOT think I made a mistake. In the fighting and feuding with my parents over this, it has only reaffirmed my position and the reason why I placed my baby in the first place. It's not the relationship I have with my a/family that makes my know I made the right decision, it's the lack of relationship with my own that makes me know. My life has since changed alot, and I'm a very happy person in a wonderful relationship with a great guy who loves me alot. Instead of being happy for me, they tell me that it's all the more reason why I shouldn't have placed. Look at where I'd be now, with my child...Lately, I've been called a "sell-out" and that I think I'm "high and mighty" or better than.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]This is just my situation. Has anyone else's relationships with their parents turned completely south because of what they've done regarding adoption? I don't regret what I did, and am lucky to have the relationship and trust that I do with my daugheter's a/parents. My own parents tell me I'm lucky that I have that as if I could have made a mistake and that I may never know- they could up and change their minds on how open things are. That would be my fault. It would never be like that, but they don't believe it. They fault me for it every chance I get. They're mad that I won't tell them where the a/family lives. They (more my stepmom) think they also have rights to the child. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]How do any of you cope with that from your families? Like you did something wrong and you know you didn't. We all have our reasons for adoption. And they're all good ones. Why do our parents feel the need to diminish our actions? My dad has started to come around, but my stepmom throws a FIT when he agrees with me for my reasons. (I think she thinks that she's perfect.) She doesn't even like it when I talk much to my dad about it, and has even recruited my sister. My sis called me a sociopath. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I guess I'm only looking for the different ways that some of the people who've gone through this with their families have dealt with it. I'm back to the point where I don't want to talk to any of them, and could go years again without speaking to them. I feel like they don't have any intention to take my feelings into consideration, so why should I take theirs? Sometimes it makes me wish I'd never called them in the first place to mend fences. Except for my dad, it's not been worth any of it.[/font]
Like
Share
Jennifer,
I'm sorry your family is so unsupportive and quite frankly, abusive! Why do we put up with abuse from family members that we would never put up with from others? My husband has recently had to cut off his mom and his daughter because the relationship exhausted him to the point that his health and happiness was severely effected. My good friend has also cut off her entire family for similar reasons. Sometimes we just have to love ourselves enough to face the fact that some people in our lives can't be there for us and move towards those who can. It sounds like you really love your daughter and were willing to protect her from your family. Now it's time to protect you. Good luck and take care,
Advertisements
Jennifer,
When you made your decision to let your precious daughter be adopted, you listened to both your head and to your heart. You were thinking only of protecting her and what was in her best interest. I commend you for being so strong and so courageous. I am an adoptee and tho I found my birthmother over 6 years ago and we have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship, I would have been very proud to be your daughter. . . which would be kinda' hard because I am probably old enough to be your mother :).
It sounds as if all sides of your family are very controlling . Sometimes in Life we have close friends, who as time passes, travel down a different path than is right for us, and we drift apart. They go their way and we go ours. It is always hard to distance ourselves from family, but sometimes it is a matter of self preservation. You deserve to live a life in which those around you love you and respect you for who you are. I can't tell you what you should or should not do as I have not walked in your shoes. I do care about you and am very proud of you. It is time for you to be true to what you feel is best. . . if that is to distance yourself from those family members who tear you down. . .so be it. Be strong, be true to yourself, and most of all treat yourself with the Love you so richly deserve.
Carol
Jennifer,
First I want to applaud you for doing what YOU FELT WAS IN THE BEST INTEREST FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY.
You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and protecting your daughter is your highest priority. I am very impressed at how you have been able to keep so much information regarding your adoption under wraps.
As a mother I must say that I AM VERY SORRY that your family has treated you with such lack of respect, I am equally sorry that you have not had the support that you need, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
Sometimes we need validation from our friends and families which is why it can be so painful to walk away from those who hurt us the most, the fact that we also love the people who hurt us adds insult to injury.
my family resents me for it. They feel like I've thrown away my chance at parenthood, and cheated them of grandparenthood. That it wasn't my desicion alone to make. I should have considered the feelings of those around me, instead of being selfish. My a/family would have found another baby to adopt...look at what I've done. And I've embarrassed everyone. And I've made myself look like an idiot for doing what I've done. But, they tell me, they'll wash their hands, I have to live with that mistake.
I was sorry to read that your family has chosen to look at adoption with so much negativity. Sometimes people who are uneducated about a subject lash out instead of educating themselves.
Many people have different reasons for placing but the bottom line is that YOU decided it was what was best for you and your baby. The way that they are reacting is certainly proof that this was and is the best decision that you could have ever made for YOUR DAUGHTER.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be able to live your life to its fullest potential. PLEASE dont let their painful words second guess your reasons for placing. It is so obvious to me that you love your little girl and placed her in the arms of another because you loved her so much. There is absolutely NO SHAME in placing a child in the arms of a loving family. Adoption is an act of love!
As an adoptive mother there is NO greater joy than to know that you have been chosen by a family to love and honor their child. For me it is an honor to be Stars mom, it is an honor that I do not take lightly. I promised to love and honor her as my very own daughter while trying to give her the best foundation in life so that she can grow up to make healthy choices for herself. My love for Star is indescribable, there are no words to express the profound love that I have her. She brings our entire family so much happiness and joy. I would almost bet your daughters Amom probably feels the same way about your daughter.
H has often said that she chose us because we were the type of family that she always dreamed of having for herself.
Just because you were not in a position to parent in 2001 does NOT mean that YOU WILL NEVER PARENT it simply means that at that time in your life you were not in a position to care for a young child.
From the sound of it you may not have been able to raise your child in a healthy environment.
Who knows if you had chosen to parent you may not have met this wonderful guy in your life.
Legally your family has no rights to your daughter I think that you are being smart by not letting any of them know where your daughter is. If they ever get their lives on track and YOU decide that you want your daughter to meet them consider meeting in a public place and keep the identifying information to a minimal.
I can certainly understand your many reasons for not letting them meet your daughter and her family.
I have a great relationship with my daughterҒs Birth family and am grateful that we all get along, as a matter of respect H drives the boatӔ. If she wants her family to come during a visit it is her decision, if she wants to see Star by herself that is also her choice as well. We take Star to see H every few months or so not because we agreed to it (we agreed to two visits a year) but because we believe in nurturing the relationship
As a parent I do want to encourage you to nurture your relationship with your daughter even if it means calling from a pay phone just to say hi.
Jennifer please believe me when I tell you that YOU ARE NOT A SELL OUT! I would almost bet my arm that they are lashing out because you made a decision to which they had NO CONTROL over.
Yes they are probably mad because you placed their grandchild and they have NO access to her however if anyone is going to do any finger pointing it should be them pointing at themselves. THEY had a whole lifetime to make things right with you; they had 9 months prior to the birth of the baby to try to make amends and help you get your life on track they had plenty of opportunities to reach out to you but they didnt.
I would almost bet that if they had then maybe, just maybe you might have been able to consider parenting but because of your past experiences with your family YOU decided that it was best for YOUR DAUGHTER to be in a home where should get the type of love and life foundation that you wanted to give her but were unable to.
You sound like such an exceptional young woman, no matter what you had done in the past if you were my daughter I would be so proud of you. Heck҅you arent my daughter and I am proud of you for standing up to this family, being honest with them, realizing that you were surrounded by people who were not going to be able to help you to be the best parent possible and choosing to place your daughter in a wonderful home filled with love. I am soooo proud of you for having the courage to get out of an abusive realtionship and trusting your instincts to do what was best for you and your daughter.
Jennifer from where I am sitting it looks like YOU have broken the cycle of destruction and are choosing to live a life filled with love and healthy choices while putting yourself in a position that will allow you to be the best that you can be!
YOU are setting a wonderful example of unconditional love and courage for your daughter and the people around you.YOU GO GIRL! :D
Drop me a note if you ever want to talk, I will even call you so you don't need to run up your phone bill.
By the way...I was also thrilled to read that you have a great relationship with your daughterҒs family. Keeping promises are so important especially when someone is being bombarded with so much negativity. The fact that you have a relationship with your daughters family is just another validation that you made the right choice.
May your life be filled with lots of love and peace,
Hugs,
Maria :p
[font=Comic Sans MS]Thank you all for your kind words.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS]I try and try to have a decent relationship with my father. I can only call him at work to talk freely, my stepmother screens his calls, and often won't let me talk to him. My dad does care, just only a little bit. But I don't understand why he won't put his foot down about his wife. (they've been married for about 20 years, I was four when she came into my life, five when they were married.) But the fact that my father won't lay down his boundaries only tells me that he doesn't much care, either. If he did, he would put her in her place and tell her that she's in the wrong for denying him the relationship with me. But he won't. I've told him time and again the way she is when I call there, and he does nothing. I may be wrong, but the message that I get is that he feels like she does, and only feels obligated to talk, because I call. He doesn't have the guts to tell me to stop. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I love to talk about my little girl. I was young when I had her, and have made the decision to always make sure I can constantly better myself. When we finally do meet, I want her to be proud to call me her birthmother. That even though her a/parents gave her the love and life she has, I'm the one that allowed it to happen. I want her to be glad that she knows who I am, proud that through the years I never stopped caring or thinking about her. I still cry, but they're bittersweet tears. Bitter from missing her, but sweet for her happy life. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Why can't my parents be glad that I have the relatioship that I do? My a/family is TOO cool. They don't just send me a bunch of random pictures, but they're carefully selected. A handful from each month, so I can literally watch her grow up. I watched as every tooth came in. I watched as she took her first steps. As she ate solid food, or when she first discovered bugs. I got to watch her dance in rain puddles and prance around in her ballerina costume. I get to see her now be a big sister, as the a/faimly recently adopted another little girl. My daughter "reads" to her and sings to her and pretends to be a mommy to her. I get to watch it all. I get these lenghty detailed letters from the a/family. My little girl has a weird obsession with the Pope- in fact the current one and the one just passed away. They are her invisible freinds, and she makes her a/mom get certain things for breakfast, incase they might come visit. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]ALOT of b/moms aren't as lucky as me, and I do know it. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams that I get to be apart of it all, if just from the sidelines. Everything I ever wanted for my child, or will ever want in the future, is happening and will happen. I just don't understand why my parents can't be glad for that. They could be apart of this too. My a/family asked me if I would please send by daughter gifts for b-day and Christmas. My parents could be involved with this as well. But they just don't.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]My girl wasn't a mistake. I do not regret giving her the life I did at all. Because she has such a wonderful life, I feel I can have one as well. I provided so well for her, and isn't that what every parent wants? Why don't my parents want that? My current boyfriend of a year and a half (he is just so wonderful) loves to hear all about her. He jokes that when I get a phonecall one day from her that he's gonna have to feed me oxygen. (I don't think that he knows that he's probably not far from the truth!) He went and bought me a special frame to put one of the lovliest (most recent) pictures in, to put here on my desk. As I type this, I'm watching my little girl smell flowers she's just picked.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]To help my family get through it, I've offered them to be apart of it all. To witness her growth as I have. To listen to the letters that I recieve, and to send her gifts from them, so she knows that her extended b/family also thinks of her.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I just don't understand why they don't want to do this. I can't force them to, and won't keep it in their faces. Could it be that they're so miserable(and misery loves company) and I simply won't feed into that? That I strive to be happy and better every day than I was the day before, why they stay the same...Could that be part of their resentment?[/font]
Jenifer, I am left with no words. Your love and compassion is beyond words. The feelings you describe for your daugtor are beautiful.
She is one lucky little girl. I really do not have any advice. I was reading your discription of your daughtor growing up, I cried.
I have said this many times here on the forums, woman like you are walking angels,,
The life you created will be a blessing to the world as are you,
sleep well, andi
Advertisements
I totally admire you Jennifer!You put your daughter's needs above your own,and have shown so much love for this little girl.
You know you did the right thing by placing her with your a family.It is sad that members of your family lack knowledge regarding your decsion.Hopefully they will come around and see the importance of your decision.
I have had to deal with an angry family too. I didn't give up my boys at birth and sometimes I think it was a selfish decision to keep them because as hard as I tried I just couldnt give them what they needed. When I did decide to place them (with some family of mine) they fought us in court for over two years trying to get custody of them. All this after they had complained about having to babysit for me while I was at work and saying what a horrible mother I was all the years I still had them. I really don't think I was too bad of a mother looking back at it now. Considering I was just a kid myself. The last year I was because I just finally had a complete breakdown. anyway, my family has made my life miserable ever since. Most of them don't even talk to me anymore. My mom comes around but I only let her because I have two children by my husband now and I think they should know their grandma but more and more I just don't want her around. She is always saying things to make me feel bad about my boys. Im sorry you have such an aweful family too. I think you are wonderful for being strng enough to make that decision for your daughter and for protecting the aparents like you have.
Jennifer,
As a reunited birth mom, I found your post very unusual in the way that it affected me. Much of the feedback has seemed to be from adoptive parents praising you for placing your daughter for adoption. I usually hate seeing that because I do not think placing one's child for adoption is usually an act that should be praised. Often people praise birth moms for doing what is best for the child, as though normally what is in the best interests of the child and mother are generally at odds. I do not believe that to be the case asI feel that to keep a mother and baby together is for the best.
HOWEVER, I think that from a birth mother's perspective, that you are most likely one of the few people I have heard of who had reasons for placing that actually make sense to me and that I might agree with. That is not to say that I do not understand why many women make the decisions that they do, nor do I judge them harshly either. I know that many women were like me - and had other options, but, did not see or know of them. And I understand that many people think that they are plenty of valid reasons to relinquish, but, I feel differently. I think placing a child for adoption should be a last resort - but, it sounds as though your decision was just that.
I think you are wise and brave for several reasons. One you are constantly improving yourself so that when your daughter is of age, she will be proud of you. And two, you made a really hard decision and are living with it well.
As for your family, they sound so dysfunctional that I am not certain it is even terribly important why they feel as they do. I would guess though that even though they are messed up, they may not see that or think that they'd be "bad" for a child to be around. Plus, they may worry that in time that you will regret your decision. Lastly, even despite the way that they are, they realize the importance of family and are disturbed that a family member is "lost". Guess I am thinking though - from the way that they are, maybe it is just as well that they don't know where your daughter is or have contact.
Accept your family for who they are, limit contact with them and see them only when you feel comfortable doing so. However, don't let them undermine your decision about your daughter or make you feel badly about them. They do not sound as though they are doing well with their own lives, so I certainly wouldn't be putting much stock in their opinions.
Advertisements
I strongly disagree with this comment.
Southernroots, I disagree with your comment also. I do think that the act of placing a child in a loving, caring home by a birthmom who wants that child to have the best life possible IS an act that should be praised. I do agree with you that keeping a baby and mother together WOULD be best, or ideal BUT, we all know that in the real world, things just don't always turn out the way we want them to. And sometimes people can't control the things around them (their families for example). Knowing how her family is and how her childhood was with them, she made a choice for her daughter that she might even wish she could have made for herself years ago. I think she is brave.
Please go back and read my first post. I told this young lady that I thought her decision - given all that she told us - probably is a wise choice.
I said that in general placing a child is not always an act that should be praised - in this instance I think it was perhaps.
Believe me, I am quite aware of the real world - and know that there are instance when placing a child for adoption may be necessary. However, I think placing a child for adoption should be a last resort. From my perspective as a birth mom, I imagine that I would most likely view adoption as necessary or the best option in fewer situations than you might. We have had different life experiences and consequently it is likely we have different opinions.
I am glad that you do agree that keeping a mother and baby together is the ideal situation though.
I think she is brave too and sounds to be handling her situation well.
My father found out I gave birth to the baby 5 days after it happened, I had already decided on adoption. He kicked me out of his home and didn't talk to me for a long time. He finally came around and he and I are very close again. My story is a blessed one, I also have an amazing family through the adoption. Some parents come around and some don't. Wish you luck.
Advertisements
Jennifer,
I think that putting your little girl up for adoption, and especially to such a loving family, was absolutely the best thing to do. I really wish more mothers would see the circumstances around them and choose similar paths instead of raising a child surrounded by unstable, abusive people. I speak from experience... my best friend was adopted and it turned out for the best, her bfamily was FREAKING PSYCHO!!! Plus, it was a big part of the reason my mom chose adoption for my brother. Not only was she young and just not ready, but she was still living with our nuckin' futs family.
I felt for you as I read your post, and my heart goes out to you dealing with a crazy family. 90% of my family should be institutionalized. And the fact that you've made a vow to yourself to work on making your life better day by day so you can be the kind of bmom your little girl can love and appreciate and respect blows me away. It's awesome. You're awesome.
I put myself in your shoes for a moment and though what I would do (though I'm sure you've already done it) and that's explaining to the aparents why it is SO important to you that they're raising her with love and stability and keeping you part of the loop. I dunno, I'm sure you've already expressed gratitude, if for nothing more than the lovely pics and letters, which you are blessed for :-) My mom got one picture of my brother, on Santa's lap his first Christmas, but she holds onto it as her one connection with her son.
I just want to hug you, seriously. You are so with it and together, and you completely made the right choice which, I will blatantly disagree with your family when I say, was YOUR CHOICE. Yours alone, not theirs. Not when they can't be trusted to make the choice whether to pop that pill or not. (Generalizing, sorry, but you know what I mean)
My wish for you is that you can seaparate yourself from the situation and distance yourself from your family, and you continue to better yourelf for your and your daughter's sakes, and that when she's old enough, she can meet you in person and thank you for giving her life and placing her in such a loving home :-)