Inappropriate contact, legal options?

Have you tried talking to other adults and set specific boundaries/limits with them? (Ex. 1 phone call per week, etc.) I'm not sure how old your son is but I'm assuming he is a minor. It seems like a restraining order would be drastic, especially since you have in the past agreed to contact. You run the risk of upsetting your son if you go the restraining order route but as the parents, you have to do what you think is best. If your limits continue to be broken and you are dealing with people who pose a danger to your son, then a restraining order (or protective order is what is called in our area) may be approrpriate. You can always go the route of changing your phone number, caller i.d. or others ways to protect your privacy, but this would also pose a problem if you son gives out the information. Good luck,

We have no fear that these people pose a danger to our son but are simply rather insensitive and selfish, perhaps without meaning to be. We've talked to them and they politely nod but then continue pushing. Our son is a minor, but thinks he knows what's best for himself. He's somewhat oppositional to begin with, and this has the potential to turn into a real power struggle. We don't want that to happen. Changing phone numbers, etc., wouldn't work. Our son WANTS the contact, and we live close to each other as it is. A restraining order, if applicable, would be the VERY last resort. Just wondering if there are any other legal options not as dramatic, if needed.

Macnmy, Before considering a restraining order or protective order as a viable option, call your local police department and/or circuit court and find out what the requirements are. It is my understanding, at least here locally, that protective/restraining orders can only be issued/applied for if there is a documented history of abuse or threats by documented they mean repeated calls to the police to report abuse and/or threatening contact/phone calls. One question that immediately popped in my mind when I read your post is, how is your son able to do these things without your consent? If he is a minor and he is spending the night at someone֒s (anyones, regardless of birthparent or not) home without your permission, what are you doing about it in the home? Is their punishment? Does he lose privileges? How is he able to go off to these functions without your consent? If he is pushing the limits, is he being punished as well, or do you see this as all the fault of the birthparents? You mentioned that the boundaries are being violated by both your son and his birthfather Җ if youre uncomfortable with what your son is doing, my suggestion is to do something about that, because you do have direct control over what your son does and does not do as a minor. Also, have you talked, face-to-face, with the birthfather? Have you told him how you feel, without beating around the bush? Have you outlined, specifically, what you will and will not tolerate in the relationship? My next question, and I really donҒt mean this in an offensive way, is what is it about this contact that is upsetting you? Youve determined that he is a safe person and proceeded to allow some contact҅are your feelings a result of feeling like you are out of control of the situation or do you genuinely worry about the welfare of your son? Do you feel like the birthfather is trying to take the place of you and your husband? If you do, you need to tell him thisyou need to sit down and have a frank talk with him, you need to outline, specifically, the boundaries in the relationship while the child is a minor. Addressing things when they come up is ok, but addressing the issues beforehand so everyone is familiar with your expectations, is best. Good luck!

Brandy, We have talked with the birth father and his wife in person several times in generalities so probably haven't been firm enough. We are hoping to resolve that issue soon by trying again and being more direct this time. We've gone along with things so far (including the sleep over) because the birth father, his wife, and our son make these plans impulsively without mentioning them to us first. Because we understand that this is new and exciting, and we have no real fears about any safety issues, we have allowed the contacts rather than get into power struggles with our son. In the meantime, we've had a couple of indications that, even with firmer limits, they may continue to push the limits. Thus, the question about the possibility of taking some kind of legal action if necessary--something we would rather not do. I guess what is upsetting is a combination of the loss of control (something we were already struggling with in the past few months as our son starts separating from us) and a vague worry about whether, at 16, our son is really mature enough to handle all the emotional stuff this unexpected appearance of a birth father is generating.

I totally agree with Brandy on this. The reall issue lies at home. Evidently he is getting close to his father and this seems to be something that perhaps you fear, that he will abandon you in pursuit of his birthfamily. I doubt very much that you have any legal options and even to pursue that will just make your son more resentful of you. IMHO I would pursue your relationship with your son, it seems that from what you have said he is out of control and someone has to put their foot down. Is counseling for you , your husband and son a possibility? I would suggest that above all things and work on what is happeneing IN the home rather than worrying about his newly founded relationship with his birthfamily- which is of course his right- minor or no minor.

Macnmy, Those are legitimate and understandable concerns in all aspects. At this point, based on what youve said, it sounds like you are really *trying* to impose limits, but your not really enforcing them to much, again, just my assumption based on what youҒve posted. I do suggest that you sit down with them and iron out some ground rules for this that you can all be comfortable with. If another issue comes up (like the sleep over) without an acceptable lead-time in which permission has been asked, then simply say no. Let your son (and his birthfather) know that you have no problem with him spending the night at his birthdads (if you dont) provided he gives an appropriate amount of notice in his request to do so. Let your sonҒs birthfather know that you expect him to respect your roll as your sons parent, just like his roll as the parent of his children (that he parents) is respected. While this is a new relationship for everyone and he may expect some ғleeway given the biological connection, you still need to put your wishes out there, firmly. Again, not to offend, but it sounds like your angry, but at the same time, youԒre going along with itif youŒre upset about the way things are going, you really need to step up and say, Stop, this is not working, you are not respecting my roll as a parent!Ӕ. In the end, he is your son and while I am always glad to hear about adoptive parents who are willing to set aside their own feelings of fear and sadness regarding their childs reunion, its still important that, at least while he is a minor, you be in control and demand that they respect your roll, just like you are respecting theirs by allowing contact with a minor. I donҒt suggest a totally cut off of contact and it doesnt sound like you want that, provided they can respect your wishes (a phone call a day, better lead time when asking to attend events/sleepovers and respect for whatever answer you give as a parent). My best advice is to be honest, with your self and with them. Request a ғfamily meeting and have them come over and sit down and talk about this. If they are unwilling to follow the reasonable guidelines you present, then clearly they donԒt respect your roll as a parent and I֒d have to wonder how healthy that relationship really is for your son.

Well, we certainly had SOME issues with our son prior to his birth father's appearance. As I said, he is somewhat oppositional and has just begun he process of pulling away from us. However, he is not out of control, and we were moving along fairly nicely before this happened. I think that the fact that the birth father and his wife are somewhat impusive, as is our son, is contributing to the problem.

It sounds like maybe one of the new limitations could be that all plans come to you first, before your son. Although he is 16, he is still a minor and it sounds like you have been very flexible in the past and will be in the future given your parental role is respected. Setting the limitations is only half the battle. Following through on them and saying no if limits are not followed is the hard part. If your parental role is not respected, then you will unfortunately be put in a position to be the bad guy in your son's eyes if you are forced to discontinue contact. Hopefully it will not come to that.

I'm happy to report that, after a much more direct talk about expectations, limits, etc., we have mutually come up with a plan that will satisfy everyone and feels comfortable for us. Thank you all for your thoughts on this. They really helped me put things into perspective...