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Hi,
My husband and I are about to open our home to 2 girls we have been waiting a long time for. They both deal with mild Post Traumatic Stress and attachment problems. They are 4 and 7. Does anyone have any advice on how we can make their homecoming and living comforting for them? Thanks.
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I can only tell you what helped in my case. My son was nearly 3 when I brought him home from an orphanage, were it has been apparent that he was neglected.
And another point to make, I'm single. So some of what I say, may effect you differently, because you will have a spouse that may feel neglected in this process.
First, be the only people to 'care' for these children. Feed them, clean them, bath them, hug them, kiss them. Keep other people at a distance for a time. DON'T overwhelm them with toys, gifts, people, rules. Be there-immediately when needed.
Their needs were either neglected or taken care of on a schedule - not when needed.
Eat when they are hungry.
Sleep when they are sleepy.
Cuddle and over empathize with boo-boos.
Don't overdue the rules in the beginning. Stress rules about safety, and kind of let the other slide a little in the beginning, increase them as you go along.
Sleep in their room. If they cry out, you will be there to reassure them that they are safe.
Sleeping in my son's room was a HUGE thing. He would get up and look over at me to re-assure himself that I was still there. Although he wouldn't let me sleep anywhere near him. Then gradually, he would get out of bed and snuggle up to me while I was asleep. Then he started to snuggle up to me during the day.
They WILL grieve. They WILL be angry. Keep them safe. Let them know that you keep them safe. Let them know that they won't be hurt. Have some space set aside with maybe some bean bag chairs, big, heavy blankets, pillows where they can go to be alone with their feelings of anger. Where they can punch a pillow, or cry. Where you can let them be for a few minutes and then try to sooth them. They need to have a safe place to vent and express themselves.
Also, learn some therapy techniques to use at home. I learned some Theraplay (my son's counsoler used this) and Filial Play Therapy (from a theraputic pre-school). I can say that I was lax at using them over the summer, and we're paying for it now.
And one last thing. It is VERY IMPORTANT - to take care of yourselves. Be sure to have respite. Just a few hours away once a week or so. In the beginning, maybe you and your husband could 'tag-team'. Leave him with the kids and go shopping by yourself, or dinner with a friend, something like that, and vice versa. After some months, you may be able to leave the kids with a sitter and go out together.
I mis-spoke, because I do have another thing - make contact with parents whose children have similar issues, get together with them, join a support group or something similiar. You WILL feel alone. But realizing that other parents deal with simialr things, helps more than you will know.
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I HIGHLY recommend Nancy Thomas's book, When Love is Not Enough. She also has great tapes and DVD's. She teaches you how to provide tight structure for these kids who feel SO unsafe, and at the same time, to provide a very high degree of nurturance. She calls it a steel box with a velvet lining. It requires a LOT from the parent. The other poster is absolutely right: you MUST take care of yourself, eat well, sleep a lot, exercise, and get time to yourself. You also need to spend time with other parents who are going through what you're going through. If you haven't lived it, you just don't know.
Another must read is Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky. They have wonderful, concrete suggestions about how to parent traumatized kids. Deborah Gray's book Attaching in Adoption is also very useful and insightful.
You will need predictable routines. Family meals are a big deal. Worshipping together is another very bonding and uplifting family activity. Reading to the kids, elaborate tucking in rituals: bath, bedtime story, massage, prayer, soothing music is what we do. Opportunities for physical activity that can help the kids discharge their high anxiety level is key, especially outdoor activities.
You will be shocked at the level of deprivation your children have experienced. After the honeymoon period, if there is one, you will see behaviors that will knock your socks off. It has to be seen to be believed.
Post here often. I also highly recommend the Attachment Disorder Network, which has been a lifesaver for me. The website is [url]http://www.radzebra.org[/url].
Let us know how things go!
Hi
My best advise is 'Do what feels right". You are all ready a mother. You will find that those maternal instincts will kick in for these girls too, no matter what their issues may be. Also, find a good therapist. Ohio has an Attachment and Bonding Center specializing in adopted children with attachment issues. Other states may have the same type of help. Find what works for you and your family. I recently adopted a 6 year old girl with PTSD, Bipolar, RAD, and probably some things that I am not aware of yet. I have heard very good things about Dr. Keck (Attachment and Bonding Center) so we are getting ready to be evaluated for therapy.
Good Luck
lisajm54
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