"not good enough"

After 43 yrs I should know not to expect water from a dry well...but I do. I keep hoping. I have people who compliment me, tell me what a good, kind, caring person I am. I want to believe them, a part of me does believe them. I know I'm not a horrible person...yet I somehow think I just have them all fooled. That my parents are right and that I'm a horrible person. My parents can reduce me to a pulp in seconds... My mother can still chew me up...spit me out and it hurts just like when I was a child. I thought I was just letting it roll off my back...you know...respecting my elders...just allowing them to say whatever they want to say- like I always have. I thought I was fine. I thought I didn't care about what my parents think...but reunion w/ my birthdaughter brings back memories...memories of my childhood. I thank God everyday my birthdaughter didn't grow up in a toxic environment. I broke the cycle...she was unconditionally loved and still is. I have absolutely no regrets re: the adoption. The reunion is progressing slowly but surely. I have never felt a love so strong. Out of respect to my birthdaughter and her mom, I choose not to publicly reveal any more. and what is SO ironic...is that I have always been a HUGE Wizard of OZ fan and collector...think of the items each of the character's were seeking...yet they had always had them.... ...just look inside yourself...everything you need is right there....

Jessiedo

I know I'm not a horrible person...yet I somehow think I just have them all fooled.

I think the core of this is how some of us had to give our babies up and not say a word.. It's written in stone.. in our brains.. that we are not good enough to keep our baby.. Shame on them.. Shame on them that they did not give us a chance to grieve and to talk things out.. to get a hug that heals.. A therapist told me once that things get stuck in our selfђ and if we go back and see it from our nowђ mind we can sort what is written in stone in our brains.. My mom used to drink a bit.. She would call me up when she was in her cups and tell me what was wrong with me.. in an ohђ so subtle way.. I was doing therapy and I was learning about how to love oneself.. I thought I had it.. LOL But I told my mom on the phone.. that I was just fine as I was.. And I am just fine as I am.. My dad is in a nursing home and tends to be delusional.. I was bent down once and tying his shoes and he was saying.. Jackie has changed.. She is Ņ. I cant remember what he said.. I said to him.. Yes dad we all change.. and maybe we learn.. I live in hope.. Jackie

[font=Comic Sans MS]I'm still in the "fake it till you make it" stage. I have a couple close friends, and keep it that way. I recenly moved, and have made friends here. I don't tell them about my adoption. I don't want to be patronized. People that I've known for a long time have only recently found out, and I was scared to death to tell them. I feared rejection again. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS]I tell myself that it doesn't matter what people think of me. They don't live my life, they can't know what it was like for me to make certain decisions, and not just the decision to place my baby. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I try not to hate my parents. I try really hard to not resent them for the way I grew up. I tell myself that the things I think of them aren't really the way I feel. For example, my dad's a pharmaceudical drug addict. I think that the only difference between him and a street junkie is a needle in his arm, but I tell myself that it's not how I really feel. I think that my stepmother is a crazy lunatic who should have never been allowed to be around children and have her own, and she should be beaten the way she did us. Then I tell myself that I don't really feel that way.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]To date my family thinks I've sold out for the many hours of counseling and time away from them I've spent. Because I don't want a relationship with them because of the way they view me because of my choice to place, makes them call me "high and mighty". But I really feel that they can screw themselves. I think that, too. I'm startig to not feel so guilty for not wanting anything to do with them. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I've felt tremendous guilt for placing my child over the years. I can't even say, "I gave my baby up for adoption," to me it sounds like I gave up on my baby. So I say I placed my daughter, instead. My ex who was very abusive would tell me that I'm an unfit mother, and should have my tubes tied. He told me in the beginning of the relationship that he would sue for custody. I didn't really buy into all that, but I resented him for it. I was made to feel not good enough to be a mother, and that I cheated my daughter by even concieving. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I've changed my life alot. My current friends are more like my family. I can be me and they accept me. I don't have to pretend things are okay when they're not, I don't have to put up any facade. They don't patronize me for making the decision to place my child, they congradulate me, but revel in the relationship I have with the a/family. My boyfriend is about the most caring guy I've ever met. He's totally changed my outlook on men. I never even wanted to date guys, just be friends and have sex, but no strings attached. For someone to have a power over me would have been to kill me. But he's so unlike that. He shares himself with me, and allows me to do the same, not control or possess me. I tell him how foreign a feeling like that is, and he smiles at me for it. He can laugh at me (and he does alot) and I never fear that it's because I'm less than, or he's making fun of me. He just finds me funny.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I'm unsure of my biological family. For me to have a life where I give myself what I need, it means not talking to them. For me to talk to them means that I have to accept that I'll never be good enough for them. My dad and I try really hard for a relationship, but my stepmom won't allow it. To her, I'm simply second rate. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I go on like it doesn't bother me, when it does. I'm learning that the only way I can get over this is that if I love myself enough, then it doesn't matter what she or anyone else thinks. Because I'm good enough for me. That it's the only way to fill the gaps and voids in my life. It sure is hard, though. I only want to be proud of my life. When I meet my daughter when she's older, I want her to be proud, also. I want her to know I didn't waste my life away because I made the wrong decision. I don't want to have any regrets in life. I want to show others how to love themselves, also, because in doing that, I can love myself better. I sure hope I have the right attitude. I hope that in faking it, that eventually, I will make it.[/font]

[QUOTE=Jackiejdajda]I think its because we can not control how anyone else thinks.. Or they can not control how we think..I think the trick is to give it up.. Just let it go..I would love to discuss this.. I think I am dealing with the very same issues.. For a while.. (twenty years after relinquishing) I would not go out of my house.. I was housebound except for going to get groceries etc.. Only strangers were involved in my world..I did not want to know friends.. I can remember passing someone I knew on the street turning my head.. She saw me on another day and asked me if I was okay.. I just did not want to deal with her.. I did not want to deal with anyone.. I did not want to play the stupid game.. Dear (((Jackie)))I find myself in this same place, 38+ years after relinquishment. I was in a toxic, mentally, emotionally and even physically abusive relationship for more than 3 years and finally left and came back to Canada to lick my wounds and heal. The plan was to buy a place, a car, spend a little time on my own and then look for work and get back to 'normal'.Well, this temporary hiatus became a year and at the end of the year, my daughter made contact to tell me how angry she was and tell me she wanted no contact. Fine, I thought. That's OK. I respect her wishes. And, I do.However, I found this site shortly after and have spend the last several months working through what was never done before, grieving for the loss that had no name and trying to get a life back.I find I go out for groceries, smokes and take the dogs for their quick jaunt. Friends ask me to participate in events or go out for dinner and I make excuses. The phone has stopped ringing a very long time ago. No one calls and I call no one. Even when it does ring, I often check to see who it is by caller ID and often do not answer as I just cannot play the game and try to be cheerful.I am ashamed I have no news. I have not moved forward and gotten my life together. I am afraid of being judged as wallowing and I do not want to defend myself or make up excuses why I do not want to go out or do anything. I went on meds a while ago and they have taken the edge of in that I am no longer crying all the time or sleeping my days away, however it is still difficult to see a future for myself.I no longer have any dreams. I no longer have anything I long for. In many ways, my daughter's contact was like a door closing - I don't have to wonder anymore about her; fantasize that perhaps one day I would hear from her. I have. She has decided. It is time to move on. But, to what?I am not married. I have no boyfriend. I have no work. I have no children. My parents and I have a tenuous relationship at best. My brother and I rarely communicate other than to get updates on the folks. I have no other siblings. And, now I have few friends who have ventured to stick it out with me.There has been a lot of letting go in this past few years and I am where I am, dealing with each day as it comes and trying to keep the faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to, in the end.I just hope it comes soon.hugs, Donna

It seems like a lot of us including me are dealing with codependency issues still. I mean to me, a lot of these recent discussions that I've been reading like this one also sound like the codependency thread we had going a while back earlier this year. Well, it's similar to codependency, but don't know if it's the same thing...maybe. Anyway, codependency or not, it all stems back to a lot of the self-esteem/self-worth issues, it seems. Just rambling thoughts here. Anne :p

Well, now that I've publicly revealed the relationship w/ my parents I feel guilty... ..guilty because I know they did the best that they knew how. Guilty because I realize that their parenting skills were deeply affected by the way they themselves were parented.... My mom told me every move to make while I was growing up. She had me under her thumb, very tightly. The old saying "When momma is happy, everybody is happy" definately applied. When things didn't go her way, watch out. My mom never hugged me except after she had made me cry...and then of course I pushed her away. Even now, if I'm upset about something and my husband gives me a big hug, instinct makes me initially push him away...I just want to cry and explain my feelings to him...I don't want a hug. A hug hurts me, it makes me vulnerable..begins to crack the shell..I can't let all the hurt out..it's too much. Don't get me wrong, I love hugs, but only when I am happy about something , celebrating something good. It still pains me to use the word abuse...so I won't call it that (altho' others whom I have revealed things to do). My mother used to also do all our talking for us. I heard her repeat over and over what good parents they were...so I was like a 'polly parrot'. Altho' I'm not a parent (yes I have a beautiful birthdaughter, but I did not raise her) I do realize that parenting is very difficult. There is no handbook for doing all the correct things. You just love the child and try to do the best you can. I believe parenting is the most important "job" in the world. Poor parenting creates many, many problems for the child which they will have to work through. When parenting skills are seriously lacking...it will create problems for society as well. (ie: prisons, crimes against society) I feel as tho' I've gone around in a circle here. Bottom line is that I would do anything to help my parents and I do love them, respect them....but it hurt, and it still hurts. I have never expressed my true feelings to my parents...my feelings never mattered...my mom told me what my feelings were... I still would never intentionally hurt them. At this stage in the 'game of life' I would never tell them how I feel. It would only hurt them. (and to be honest I know it would anger my mom to no end...there would be heck to pay...again.) They don't need to know how bad they hurt me...what effect they had on me...because I know they did the best they could...the best they knew how. They loved me and I do know that. I have read heated discussions about the phrase "the best decision of my life" regarding adoption. I think if I had kept my daughter that would have been the worst decision of my life...therefore I suppose in a way I can say it was the 'best decision'. I was at peace w/ my decision. I knew that I made the best decision for the benefit of my child. She deserved better than what I could offer. The reunion is most difficult for me because it is bringing up my childhood memories. I see my birthdaughter having a mom that I would love to have had....my birthdaughter is beautiful, poised and most of all she has confidence and self-esteem. Could I have given her that when I didn't have it myself ??

After "coming out of the closet" last year about my son and the whole adoption issue I have only had one negative response of one person. That was more down to misunderstanding which was quickly put right. However I cannot get my family to talk about my son let alone get them to move on. They still treat me the same now as they did 24 years ago and I really find it bizarre at times. Anything they don't like they block from their cosy little lives and carry on as if certain situations haven't happened. It is so infuriating at times and I wonder if it's me who's got the problem or them. Pip :)

I have chosen to use an offensive approach and go back and further explain the above statement which I, myself, recently posted. I have a STRONG feeling that it will be taken out of context, twisted around and definately used against me...just a matter of time. If there are people on the forums who choose to do so and release their misplaced anger on it...on me...have a go at it! ...I hope it helps you understand and work through your own pain...and best of all I won't charge you for the free therapy ;) When I stated that "choosing to keep my child would have been the worst decision of my life", I am NOT saying that I didn't love her w/ all my heart or that is has NOT been an extremely difficult, emotional 20 yrs. I am simply saying that keeping her for MY own selfish reasons would have the worst decision I could have ever made. She would have suffered due to my bad decision. I couldn't allow that. I was strong enough to let her go...and she came back to me w/ open arms.

indicalover wrote.. I try not to hate my parents. I try really hard to not resent them for the way I grew up. I tell myself that the things I think of them aren't really the way I feel. For example, my dad's a pharmaceudical drug addict. I think that the only difference between him and a street junkie is a needle in his arm, but I tell myself that it's not how I really feel. I think that my stepmother is a crazy lunatic who should have never been allowed to be around children and have her own, and she should be beaten the way she did us. Then I tell myself that I don't really feel that way

snipped some..

I'm unsure of my biological family. For me to have a life where I give myself what I need, it means not talking to them. For me to talk to them means that I have to accept that I'll never be good enough for them. First off I am sorry I started a thread and then disappeared.. We just sold our house.. Whew.. I could not use the phone as the agent kept calling and discussing what needed to be discussed.. Anne (Tigger27) you wrote.. It seems like a lot of us including me are dealing with co-dependency issues still. I mean to me, a lot of these recent discussions that I've been reading like this one also sound like the co-dependency thread we had going a while back earlier this year.Ӕ I think co-dependency is a 'not being good enough' issue.. The caretaker.. The one who makes sure everyone is okay because if everyone is not okay there will be trouble.. I have a feeling more than a few of us grew up on a chaotic (see below) home.. Maybe thats what makes me the angriest in all that.. Did I give my son up because I wanted to make sure everyone was okay.. this at the cost of my emotional well being.. ғYou do not need to be loved.. not at the cost of yourself. I can not remember who wrote that.. ah.. Advice from a Failure.. Jo Courdet.. I think a few of us did not learn the word ԓno when we grew up.. Being able to say..ԔNo I wontҔ or No I wonӒt do it! Not allowed.. so maybe saying no now.. takes us back to those times when some of us were afraid.. I said no to my mom.. I am mom to my dad who is totally out to lunch these days.. and I do think I have power.. But I do not want to put up boundaries with peopleԅ I can remember reading about forgiving others.. Forgiving them for all the horrible things they have done to us.. or me.. I remember reading that when you forgive someone it does not mean they can do the same thing again.. It means that we are strong enough to protect ourselves when they try.. Strong enough to back away and say.. no way are you going to do that again.Ӕ Ha.. Jackie Main Entry: chaos Pronunciation: 'kA-"פs Function: noun Etymology: Latin, from Greek -- more at GUM 1 obsolete : CHASM, ABYSS 2 a often capitalized : a state of things in which chance is supreme; especially : the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms -- compare COSMOS b : the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a natural system (as the atmosphere, boiling water, or the beating heart) 3 a : a state of utter confusion b : a confused mass or mixture <a chaos of television antennas> - chaot׷ic /kA-'-tik/ adjective - chaot䷷ical׷ly /-ti-k(&-)lE/ adverb

donnaparadise

I find I go out for groceries, smokes and take the dogs for their quick jaunt. Friends ask me to participate in events or go out for dinner and I make excuses. The phone has stopped ringing a very long time ago. No one calls and I call no one. Even when it does ring, I often check to see who it is by caller ID and often do not answer as I just cannot play the game and try to be cheerful.

I am ashamed I have no news. I have not moved forward and gotten my life together. I am afraid of being judged as wallowing and I do not want to defend myself or make up excuses why I do not want to go out or do anything.

hugs,

Donna

I went out today.. Hubby and I went to a few flea markets in our area.. I was standing and looking at a booth and a woman touched me on the shoulder and asked me if I had gone to the washroom recently.. (Oh lordy why am I telling this).. I said.. "yes." :eek: She said.. "well you have toilet paper hanging out the back of your pants.." Jeez.. I was walking around with a tail of toilet paper hanging out the back of my pants.. Its interesting that my mind would go to that after reading your post and thinking of this topic.. I do not know it if applies to this discussion.. I just know I was not crushed by the incident.. I think its my work that keeps me going.. What I love to do.. and I also think of that moment and or time when I let my bson go the second time.. I was thinking about what I wanted to do and what I wanted to concentrate on.. Entertain myself for once.. Do for me and not for anyone else.. Maybe this will pass Donna.. Maybe you are in grief and a part of the grief that must be gone through.. I know I skipped my grief all those years ago.. and I believe that we need to go back and do it.. Do the terrible sadness of losing a child.. Go through it and come out the other side.. When I got angry after meeting my son.. Angry that all this happened.. someone told me to not stay in the anger very long.. (or something like that..) I went nuts with anger.. I told this person that I would do as I please with my anger.. Do it for as long as I wanted to do it.. Jackie

Jessiedo

My mom told me every move to make while I was growing up. She had me under her thumb, very tightly. The old saying "When momma is happy, everybody is happy" definately applied. When things didn't go her way, watch out. My mom never hugged me except after she had made me cry...and then of course I pushed her away. Even now, if I'm upset about something and my husband gives me a big hug, instinct makes me initially push him away...I just want to cry and explain my feelings to him...I don't want a hug. A hug hurts me, it makes me vulnerable..begins to crack the shell..I can't let all the hurt out..it's too much. Don't get me wrong, I love hugs, but only when I am happy about something , celebrating something good.

Thanks for sharing that.. I am like that.. I can remember my mom washing and brushing my hair when I was a little girl.. it hurt.. It was very painful.. I also remember her being nice to me after I had taken a good Friday hike and gotten caught in the rain.. she had a hot bath ready for me.. I expected a lecture and she was nice.. Jackie PS .. Diane you wrote in another post "I have a STRONG feeling that it will be taken out of context, twisted around and definately used against me...just a matter of time." Just to let you know.. I completly understand what you said and why you said it.. or posted it.. My bson had a good life.. He is just fine.. Growing up with me.. and the way I was back then would not have been a good thing.. This is basically why I am not against adoption..

[font=Comic Sans MS]For me, I don't think it's a codependant issue. For years I've been so self sufficient, making sure that I can take care of myself in any situation with little or no help from others. I tell people all the time, that they can drop me off in any city or town, anywhere in this whole country, and I'll be fine. They can drop me in the middle of no where and I'll be able to take care of myself. I refuse to allow myself to be put in a position where I'm dependant on someone else. I don't want to take care of anyone else, either. It's weird for me being with my boyfriend, he takes care of all the finances. My overhead is squat, I pay for my cat and girlie stuff and other small things I may need and want. But he knows that if he ever tried to put me in the position where I owe him anything other than gratitude, like I need to be some sort of servant to him for emotions or sex or anything else, because he takes care of me that way, I'll walk. In a heartbeat. I just won't go there. He knows I'm appreciative and he gets respect, but nothing so abusive, and I won't be taken advantage of for my good intentions. I treat my friends the same. I'll be good to them and respect them, untill they feel like it's owed to them, and I walk. I give of my own volition, not of someone else's demands. So I find that in my position, I'm a bit of a loner.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I think that it comes from the way I was raised, and some from my abusive ex relationship. All this totally outrageous demanding and expecting that had come from my folks and my ex make me feel that way. And that am I not good enough to you (in general, you...) that you can't just give me the respect that I return? I have to do all this other stuff for or to you to earn a fraction of what I feel I'm worth? My folks for example had me do so much around the house. In highschool I had almost no life. I came home, did all dishes, the laundry for everyone in the house, cleaned the house (every day, I cleaned house) took care of the animals, prepared and cooked dinner, did the dishes afterwards, took out garbage, and was soon physically worn out. I didn't want to do anything else but go to bed. I RAN the house at 15, 16, 17 and on my 18th birthday, moved out. There was so much more to it. If I wasn't fast enough, I was yelled at. Called lazy. No one else did near what I did. I was made to feel dumb if I prepared something that no one else wanted to eat. I was like hired help without the pay, and so much anguish. Nothing I did was good enough for those people. My stepmother beat me up untill I grew the guts to defend myself, and then she beat me up verbally. Told me once to "roll over and die". [/font][font=Comic Sans MS]My ex was no better. Because he was the man, he ran things, and I was to do what I was told. I was to service him sexually if he wanted it, because it was my duty and obligation as being the girl. If I didn't walk on eggshells carefully enough, I was knocked around.(I think it's terrible that a girl knows how to and can fight like a man. I don't like fist-fighting grown men.) I remember that after my baby was born, he was SO mad at me (mad I say, because I don't think it'll allow me to write the REAL feeling behind that...) when I wouldn't have sex with him before the 6 weeks was up. He accused me of cheating on him- which I couldn't have anyway, I had a 3rd degree episiotomy. Stitches in my crotch. He couldn't understand. Nevermind that according to him I had no business getting pregnant, and I must have tricked him with it. He told me flat out that I had to earn respect from him, he didn't have to give it to me untill I did and I hadn't earned it. But he was the man, and I'd better respect him, or else. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]So those are just a few examples of why I battle with not feeling good enough. I distance myself from people, so that I don't get so close and they can walk on me again. My current boyfriend has totally changed my views as far as other men go. I no longer think that they are self serving creatures that are too wrapped up in the duties that I should perform as being the girl. But like I said, if I ever thought or felt that way, I'd walk away so fast... Same with other friends. I love to make people feel good, it makes me feel good. But the minute that's taken advantage of or taken for granted, I'm out like a blown fuse. I've just been made to feel that what I have to offer isn't worth the time and effort to recieve it by others. As if I'm so difficult. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to feel as if I have to be someone or show that I'm worthy of being around. I just want to be myself. I refuse to have anything to do with my ex, so I'm not really talking about him, but with my folks, I have to be doing something productive, being the good girl, speaking a certain way, carrying myself a certain way at all times. I'm constanly critiqued and gone over like a car engine to make sure all my parts are in working order by them. They make it out like I don't know enough about life to do this for myself. What I want isn't good enough for me, so they need to tell me what is good for me. When I find something I enjoy, (like yesterday I climbed a mountian...today my butt is kicked from it) they tell me I shouldn't waste my time doing that. I should be doing what they think. No matter what I say, do, act, think, feel, there's always a better way to do it, or it's wrong, and they have to tell me what's right.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Nevermind about my adoption. I'm crazy- over the rainbow-bars in the window- crazy for doing that to them. (they think I did it to them.)Like I said, my big battle is just being able to be myself. It's all I want. I don't want their money (they don't have much anyway) I don't want their approval, I don't want anything from them. Just that being myself is okay, and they're happy with that.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I think that if you can't be yourself, you're being decietful. You're lying to others about who and what you're realy about. To say I like vanilla when I really like chocolate. To say," It's okay, that you took advantage of me" when I really want to say,"Hey F**K you, MORON!" or whatever. I want to stand up for myself and be respectful and respectable. That's all, really. And in the eyes of those that are closest to me, it's not possible. I have to create my own family out of my friends to get that. Or be alone, because I certainly wouldn't treat myself that way. And no matter what boundaries I set for my folks, they refuse to honor them.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I want to drop them like a hot potato. But I feel guilty for thinking about it. But they make me feel bad about myself. And I really do want to drop them. I just don't know what the right thing to do is, and that's very confusing.[/font]

I can remember reading somewhere.. that when a person is abused by the parents the person should say.. that if you continue to do that I will walk out the door.. and if they continue to abuse.. the person should walk out the door.. The author then said.. But you keep connected.. You send a magazine subscription or something like that.. but caving in and taking the verbal abuse is just not on.. I like that.. and I tried that on my mom.. It seemed to have worked.. The very first Alanon meeting I went to..(Alanon is for folks who have a relationship with an alcoholic).. someone shared.. that a person can leave a husband or wife but a person can not leave a parent that is acting out.. Boy oh boy that hit home with me.. My mom drank till the very end and she was difficult and I wanted to walk away from her sooooo bad.. But I could not.. Dad could not handle her.. My sister could not take the load.. I had to sort it.. I had to turn the tables and tell her No.. and heck I actually told her that if she continued to verbally abuse me I would walk out the door.. Leave the visit.. She stopped.. but it showed me that I did have the ability to put up boundaries with her.. My daughter and I went and visited her in the hospital.. The nurses asked me to get her medications out of her purse as she was double dosing.. Mom went after me when I tried to do it.. Or heck I did it.. My daughter on the way home.. said how can you listen to that?Ӕ.. I think at that point I realized that I had turned a corner on the business of my mom. She was a very sick woman.. Jennifer.. it sounds to me that you were abused.. and it sounds to me that you have made some very solid and good decisions in your life.. Like the therapist said to me.. once.. You are a survivorӔ. Jackie

I have really enjoyed reading everybody's instrospective posts. I am sorry that some of you have been abused so badly by the people that were put on this earth to protect you. My mom wasn't abusive but she was and still is a perfectionist. That is a sure fire way to induce in your children that "not good enough" feeling. I think it finally hit me in my 30's and after some therapy that my mom's standards aren't really about me . . .they were about her. Hard to see things in a different light after feeling not good enough most of my life. But I have continued to be who I am even in her presence. It is hard. She is very controlling and manipulative at times, but I love her. She means well and we butt heads frequently. I guess my most recent "not good enough" story is one that has lasted throughout most of my marriage and is coming to an end today. That is a relationship with my stepdaughter (who is also the birthmother of my Adaughter). I married her dad when she was 4 - she is now almost 19. I spent years trying to be a good enough stepmother and nothing I ever did was right. She was brainwashed by her mom from an early age to hate me and the lessons stuck. I still cannot imagine why she would have agreed to allow me to adopt her baby, but I am so thankful she did. But the hatred continues. Got a letter yesterday replying to an update letter I sent her with pictures of the baby and her brother and received her reply yesterday saying she wants no contact with me and threw in some other nasty words. I have never been so hurt and angry in all my life. I made the very painful decision (as did her dad) to not have a relationship with her anymore. It is hard but I feel it is the only way for us to "just say no to chaos." (someone needs to make a T-shirt that says that.) I'm grateful to have a place to vent my feelings because right now I am feeling the overwhelming urge to hurt somebody (of course, wouldn't act on it)