Help in dealing with feelings

Your situation is tricky.I met my birthfather 6 years ago,and he suddenly put me first in his life above everyone else.It was almost a Honeymoon experience for him.It is like making up for lost time.My bio siblings/ and his wife became jealous.At the time,I did not understand the jealousy and I pulled away from them.I understand their feelings now.The Honeymoon phase did not last for him,and he lost interest after two years.It was all so new and exciting for him.I will admist that it was very exciting for me to learn about my roots as well.I understand my birth sister's feelings of anger because he was always working to make more money never having much time for them.....She kept telling me that it hurt the way he suddenly had so much time and energy when I came along!! Try to express your feelings to him.Maybe even write him a letter,so your words will sink in !!!In time,he will come back to reality!! Good luck!!It must be really tough for you and your family,but it will get easier.

It is hard. I found my daughter over this website almost seven months ago. She has been receptive to my family, my husband and my son. However, her birthfather has kept quiet about it all. We found out that there were some circumstances that had we known at the time, we could have kept her. So, we had a lot of what if, what if, things going on. My daughter wants basically a relationship with her siblings and her birthparents. She has wonderful adoptive parents. All I can tell you is to hang in there. It is like a honeymoon period. Like you have dreamed of the day and it is like you are on an emotional roller coaster. One day I would laugh at work and then go cry in the bathroom. We dealt with a lot of issues with her bfather's family, mainly thinking that he would leave and go back with me, etc. I think it is normal. It is normal to feel left out in this. But you have to understand that you knew about her and that you knew that this day would come. Support him and whatever you do, don't call her "that girl". That really bothered me when his wife mentioned that in an e-mail. As far as the daughter not wanting a relationship, give it time. Be warm and receptive to her but not smothering. You have to let her warm up to both of her birthparents because it is all new to her. Just hang in there with your husband. Feelings of jealousy are normal, so is just thinking about all of this. I spent many hours on the phone talking to my daughter's birthfather just trying to figure out what went on. He will also start remembering things that he thought that he had forgotten, so be strong for him. Good luck. Let me know if I can be of further help. mrs burt Reunited via e-mail this website on March 3, 2005 First f2f on July 2, 2005

I think you've got some really valid situations going on. Some that you've mentioned and others you haven't. But all are very real and realistic feelings given what you're dealing with. Try not to compare relationships though... each situation takes different approaches (obvious), everyone has a different opinion what approach should be taken, and the only thing comparing will do is make you more upset and make it harder to see things objectively. So anyways... maybe break down the issues into the clear separate issues. 1. Your husband not spending as much time as you'd like with your kids. 2. Your husband has re-opened old fears about being lied to about his father. 3. Your husband has re-opened old fears about his decision to place his daughter. 4. You might be a little jealous of his strong feelings for her and interest in giving her attention.(totally normal!!) 5. You're worried about how this girl talks about her adoptive parents. A few things to remember... most reunions are a bit hectic and emotionally confusing.. they dont' follow logic because its not about logic. Some adoptees feel awkward or insecure about being part of a the whole family of their bioparents.. give it time. Who knows what "really" happened with the adoptive parents. Those things are complicated and take time for HER to work through. You don't have to worry about their situation for them. But you're a saint to care so much! Try to understand your husband's motivations so you can work with him so that this can pull your family together rather than apart. Connecting with him in these confusing times so he can work through is traumatic experiences and confusing reunion might help you find a way to talk to him about spending more time with his kids so it doesn't have to be a reunion with them down the road. He has a lot of family who loves and needs him. In this day and age we have these "new age" family stories and they can really work! Everyone needs to be loved by as many people as will love them right? Including YOU! I hope that you can find some part of this that might help you. It is not as hopeless as you might feel at this time. But I can see how confusing it would be to have your world turned upside down... they're going through that too :) GOOD LUCK!

janetleigh-Thanks so much for posting to me, you did encourage me and help. This situation is so very emotional and I did not think it would be like this...so any advice is oh so helpful. You are so very right about husband opening old fears and feelings about being lied to about his father situation....!! I would like very much to be able to work together and bring our family together in all of this, but he seems to just get mad all the time, there are times we can talk and others we cannot. He gets really really uptight alot of the time, but with counceling for me I have been better at not taking on all of his anger on top of me. Anyway, thanks for the help and encourageing words I do greatly appreciate it very much!

As a spouse of a reunited bfather with his son, I can honestly tell you that you need to find quiet time with your husband and talk quietly and with total non-judgement attitude about his daughter. The guilt my husband felt for the 25 years his son was out in the world was of a greater magnitude that he ever let on. It is almost as if you have to build a whole new relationship with him that includes his daughter....I had to with his son. Where you exactly fit is not quite known but help to make a place for yourself by just listening. I treat my husbands son whose is 26 now just like the children we had together. We also have a daughter-in-law and three grandchildren. My husband and I have two children 10 and almost 15. In the beginning I wanted my husband be selfish, calling his son whenever and for however long he wanted to...after about 3 or 4 months when the initial shock had worn off he was able to look at those times as precious and had more respect for my understanding. It is not always easy and there are times I want to go in the bathroom and scream but patience is needed. I do expect my husband to treat all of the kids the same way. This is not an easy task as he feels he has to make up for lost time with his son. We have only been reunited for a year and a half but I do see a longterm relationship with him and the new family. So the purpose of this long post is really hang in there. Communication is the key. good luck. Karen

I think it is normal for his daughter to only want to get to know him at first. That is how me and my other siblings felt when we all first met our sister that was placed for adoption. I knew I had a sister out there since I was 13 years old. But she had no idea she had any other sisters or a brother. I'm sure its very over whelming. Now if she never wants to get to know her brothers then I would be upset. Its just has hard for the siblings. I hope things start to get better.

[font=Verdana]4boys...you have posted some interesting thoughts. IMO, reunion brings with it different issues for every member of your/the family. Please separate these issues. The bdaughter has nothing to do with the paths that already existed within your family. I would definitely seek counseling for the entire family because all of these uncertainties might be just miscommunications or inabilities to show affection by your husband. He may have been dealing with his own demons over the last 18 years which may be the root (and totally understandable). [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]On the other hand, please read the other posts on this forum. Much of what you explained earlier is typical reactions between found bchildren and bParents. IMO, I don't believe they (bchildren or bparents) even realize they are shutting anyone else out. You must admit how overwhelming it has been for you to understand the bdaughter; imagine if you will, the bchild having to deal with each member of the family. I don't imagine she can all at once. Please do not feel threatened if she does seem to want a relationship with bfather and him alone. Because I am sure as she feels more comfortable, she will allow everyone else in too.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]I think if I were you, I would speak with my husband (but not put him on the defense b/c then he will feel he has to choose) and let him know how much you want to be included to make your family more complete. Please reassure the kids that father has not abandoned them but needs some time to get adjusted to having daughter in his life. I believe above all your family needs to stay united and things will move forward in a more positive approach. [/font][font=Verdana][/font] [font=Verdana]Also, take into account the bdaughter's age. You be the adult...let things that don't make since to you go in one ear and out the other. Teen-agers can be over dramatic and bchildren are no exception!! I hope to hear more from you.[/font]

I can't help thinking that this long lost child is a girl. It is new. He knows what it is like with the boys. He has no clue what it is like being a father to a girl. It is all a big fantasy. Somehow he can maybe do it better with her; in his mind. The mind is a crazy place for sure. The boys probably can't relate at all.