Birth Grandparents Questions

We just call the birthgrandparents grandma and grandpa. The only ones we changed are what we call the birthparents and that is mama S (insert name) and Daddy M (insert their name). Otherwise, we keep everything the same. That way when our child gets older there will be less questions.

dd was released from the hospital to us. we have an excellent relationship with dd's bmom and family, and are getting to know dd's bdad (he came into the picture just this year) and his family. we have embraced everyone as grandparents and asked each what they wanted to be called. we have no problem with grandpa and grandma. dd's only 15 months old, so I don't know how it will all play out. I will say that they are her family and now our family, whether we're all warm and fuzzy or not. To be honest, I prefer dd's bfamily over my inlaws and parts of my own family-that's what families are like. some you think are great, some you tolerate, but they're family. you might want to explore just why "grandpa" and "grandma" are so difficult for you. My feeling is that any child can always use more grandparents esp at gift giving occasions ;) . I think knowing her bgrandparents and viewing them as such will help dd have a connection with her genetic history, and her cultural history, her past, present and future. dh and i are only part of her family tree, and that's fine with us. Having them around doesn't challenge the place that her other grandparents have in her life,nor does it challenge my relationship with her.

Very well said, LisaCA! :) I would just like to add an idea to consider: Would you and/or the bgrandparents be comfortable with Grandma/Grandpa Lastname or Grandma/Grandpa First names? This could be a compromise solution that gives them the grandparent titles but also distinguishes them from you and your wife's parents as well. Though we have an open adoption, sadly there are no birthgrandparents around/involved. We think it would be a wonderful gift to have them if we could. I hope you and the bgrandparents can work out this issue. Maybe it is more symbolic to you than just what they are called and as Lisa said, it could be helpful to consider your feelings on this and what makes you uncomfortable giving them grandparent titles. Wishing you the best, Ellie

Rigel, Regardless of how your relationship is, they are still your child's grandparents and should be referred to as such. That's who they are, and it may be a healing/peace promoting message to acknowledge this by accepting and referring to them as Grandma and Grandpa. Remember, it's just as hurtful to them as if, say, they were to insist that your parents be referred to as Mr. & Mrs instead of their grandparent titles. In the case where more than one set of grandparents want to use the 'same' name - i.e. grandma and grandpa, mom-mom and pop-pop, whatever - I would suggest 'grandma lily' or 'grandma smith' or 'pop-pop jones' to distinguish. In our case, we just lost Ryan's Nonni to cancer last spring. She was always Nonni, from the word go. Another is Grandpa G, to distinguish from Grandpa B. Some relationships are deeper than others, however they are all 'titled' as it relates to their relationship to Ryan. In the end, only kindness matters. JMHO HTH Regina

I'm not sure what your objections are because, IMHO, a kid can't have too many grandparents. But assuming you already have someone lined up to be Grandma and Grandpa and don't like the addition of first name or last name, would they agree to something equally Grandparenty other than Grandma and Grandpa, if those titles are already being used? Grandmom and Grandpop? Grammy and Grampy. Nana and Pop-pop? My mother's "husband," with whom I never lived, so who isn't a surrogate father to me at all, is still treated like a grandparent by my DD. He is, so appropriately, called Grumpy.

I understand the concerns completely. I don't agree that "these are the grandparents" of the child ... My parents and my husband's parents are the grandparents of my child, period. It is a special title in our family and personally; it would be dishonoring our own parents to call others by those special names. you wouldn't call the bio mom "mommy" so why should they have to call the bio grandparents "grandpa" or "grandma"? For us, we use first names, just like we do with DD's bio mom. Do what your heart is telling you - if you do not feel comfortable with 'grandparenty' titles, don't use them. If you do, do. But make sure it is what you want to do - not because you feel guilt or some sort of societal obligation when your heart is not at peace with it. Peace,

missourimomtobe, I guess I don't get why it dishonors your parents. I'm not saying this in an accusing way, just curious, for my information. I mean, lets say my parents divorced and remarried and so I had two sets of grandparents on my side of the relationship. Add dh's one set and we have three-is that a problem too? again, I'm not trying to be snarky or whatever here, just trying to get to the heart of the matter. my guess is that others may feel the way you do. thanks, Lisa

Hi, Lisa - For us, DH and I have one set of parents apiece. Those are my child's grandparents as far as we are concerned, and they would be hurt if we called others by those titles. Maybe in other families, the grandparents wouldn't care but ours would . . . that title is a huge honor and one that is revered. To call others by that special title is, in my world, dishonoring the place our own parents have not just in our lives, but in our child's life. I'm not trying to negate the bio grandparents, however. But like I said, we don't call our bio mom "mommy" or any form of that . . . if first name is good enough for her, then why not for anyone else in her family? (You don't have to answer that, it's rhetorical!) By the way, I appreciate that you weren't being snarky :) - and I know others in open adoptions have entirely different viewpoints. That's what makes open adoptions so unique and fluid - every situation is different from the next and has to take into account the family dynamics involved as well as the comfort levels between the triad members. I'm curious now what the original poster has decided to do! Peace,

missourimomtobe, interesting. I don't think my inlaws are hurt by the fact that we have more than two sets of grandparents for dd, and I know my parents aren't. It may be that they're just happy being grandparents (and never thought they'd be).To be honest, I didn't ask either set, and I don't think i'd change my mind even if they did, but that's me. I have a problem with the first names bit myself. I don't think kids should be using first names without a title, so we need the "grandpa" or whatever before the name. we use "bema" and "beda" for bmom and bdad. And I think it may be a cultural and/or regional thing too. I know that within the black community, there are many unrelated people called "mama", "cousin" and "grandma" etc, a larger extended family. maybe that's why it seems comfy for all of us. anyway, thanks for the explanation. I learn a lot from these boards :) . I wonder what rigel plans to do too...Rigel, let us know, okay? Lisa