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Warning: long post
Hi everyone,
Let me preface this by saying I hope this thread does not offend anyone....... I know this specific board has many stories about birth parents ttc who are unable to, and I don't mean to be insensitive to that pain. I just didn't know any other board that this topic would fit under.
Ok, here goes...
I placed my daughter, Marie, for adoption four years ago, summer of 2001. So, she's four now. In January of 2004 (when M was 2 1/2), I had my second child, Elise.
My hubby, Matt, would like a second child. (He's not in any hurry for the second, so maybe I shouldn't even be thinking about this, but I am.) The thing is.... I'm just not sure I want another one.
I am so happy with Elise, I just cannot imagine mixing things up. And honestly... while raising one child is not that big a deal (for me, anyway), the idea of raising two at once--with their different developmental stages and needs--seems daunting and, well, emotionally draining to me. I'm an EXTREME introvert, and I need plenty of "me" time. That can be difficult enough to come by with one child--but two??? Can't imagine....
The other thing is (and this is where the whole birthparent-specific stuff comes in), is that I really and truly do not want to be pregnant again. And giving birth a third time...... uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggg. To go through the pain and ache of all of it THREE TIMES, only to have TWO children to raise, seems insane to me.
It's like this: with Marie, I got to experience pregnancy and childbirth (not a pleasant childbirth, either), but I didn't get the opportunity to really know her.... and I certainly didn't get the chance to experience day-to-day motherhood. With Elise, I got the pregnancy/childbirth thing again (shrug, ok--didn't love it, but willing to do it to have Elise--and it WAS kinda nice to at least be able to talk like a "normal" expectant mom that second time around--about names, the nursery, etc); but what I really got out of it was a), the chance to really know Elise; b), the chance to experience motherhood.
If I have a third child, now, it's..... well...... it seems like it could be almost anticlimactic. Does that make any sense? Now that I've got the motherhood experience, there'd be nothing "new" about doing it a third time.
Does this sound really cold? I know the point of having a family is to HAVE A FAMILY, not to get something "new" out of each experience. I don't mean to refer to Marie and Elise as possessions or anything.
But I really only ever wanted 1 kid, at the most.
Then, too, there is the issue of how much adoption-related emotional turmoil got stirred up in me, after Elise was born. I'm doing much better with it now, but it's been a long road and a lot of hard work to get here, and I know "here" is not the end, too. So what if I have another baby, and discover that there are even MORE unresolved issues?
Maybe this is the real issue. Because on the whole, I think I'd be ok with having two kids..... it's not that I hate the idea, I just didn't see my life unfolding that way, and have some concerns about it.... but overall, I'd be willing to do it, since I know that a) once the babe came, I'd love him or her like crazy and wouldn't be able to imagine life without babe, and b) having a second would make dh very happy. ......So overall, it'd be ok.....
Except for when I think about possibly going through that emotional turmoil again. Then I FREAK.
I can't do that. I just CAN'T. If I have to go through one more bout of depression like that again...... oh god. Just can't do it.
Has ANYONE dealt with similar feelings? Also, for those of you who've had multiple children after relinquishing one, did the second stir up as many emotions as the first did?
Help. Help, help, help. :o
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Personally I feel you should do what's right for you and sit your husband down to tell him how you feel. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling plus it it is a very personal thing. I don't know what it's like to have any more children after placement but if I had I would have liked to have had two ... that's my own personal choice. However it wasn't meant to be nor do I know how I would have felt if I'd had even one more child.
Take a deep breath and if necessary show your husband what you have written.
Pip :)
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Hey Nic,
I can really only echo was Pip has said, its a personal thing Җ you really need to share it with DH and talk about it openly with him.
I am at a crossroads of sorts. There are times when the desire to have an additional child is overwhelming its something I֒ve wanted to do for several years, yet due to infertility (were just now really exploring all of our issues) pregnancy has either eluded us all together or resulted in early term miscarriage.
A few weeks ago, I started really thinking about how my getting pregnant would affect MҒs life and our connection. Here, I will post an excerpt from my blog from the other day:
So, while you and I arenŒt going thru the same thing I think its only natural that adoption affects our decisions quite a bit.
Ok, so I have no first hand experience with being an adoptee whose birthmom went on to have other childrenIŒve never experienced thatI canŒt react to Ms questions as to why I choose to place her and have another child, I cant.
I can, however, talk to her as an adoptee who was the second child҅Ive lived that, I know how it made me feel҅I know how I reacted to situationsI know the questions I had and asked and I fully anticipate those from MŅbut I never had a younger sibling that my birthmom parentedI donŒt know how to react to thatI worryŅI dont want her to hurt.
I do want another child, a third child, a child with my husband҅nothing will ever replace M in my life or in my heartI love her more than words could ever convey, so I wont even tryŅwhich is probably why I feel the way I do.
I feel guilty. Non-deserving maybelike maybe this is my œpayback for placingԅlike Ive reached my ғkid quota and there are no others in store for me.
Do I regret the decision to place M with her parents, not on your lifeԅshe is so incredibly lucky to have C and S, they are great parents (and Im not just saying that cuz S reads the blog, I truly believe that!)҅its just all the what ifsӔ that run thru your head.
Ok, so is this a silly post to follow the what could have beenӔ post below or what!?
Anyway, I do, I feel guilty. I want to be able to answer her questions when she comes to me with themwhen the time comes for her to want answersŅand as it is right at this moment, I feel I canI feel like right now, we have that commonality that allows me to understand how she might feel as the œsecond born adopteeԅif I change that, if I have a child, I will lose thatI am afraid of losing that. I am tornŅbut for now, at least we can find out what the issue isthe unknown has been difficult.
Hey, Nicole!!
I just wanted to let you know that there is a post on the General Adoptive Parents board started recently. The OP asked for "brutal honesty" in what it was like going from 1 to 2. Some paint a rosey picture, but others were quite honest about it not being so easy.
Even though my dd is only three months, I struggle with this question already. I also need plenty of "me" time and plenty of sleep. I know that having a second (later on) will take away what little I have now.
Casey
hey nicole,
I sympathize. I've been following the thread that Casey mentioned, and weighing the pros and cons myself. My fear is that dh will not step up to the plate, I'll kill him, and spend the rest of my life in prison. I'm also afraid of the loss of me time. Right now with just one, I have a 2-3 hour nap time break from dd, as well as an after dinner break (dh takes over). I can see a new one wiping out all that time and then some, as they argue endlessly. Then I become unpleasant, etc. Like you, I need time alone. If I don't get it, things become unpleasant for everyone
Every mom i spoke to before adopting dd said not to have kids, that they were exhausting and if they had it to do over again, probably wouldn't do it :eek: . Not sure what that says, probably that I have friends with great careers and great husband and great kids and they can't manage everything.
I can see where the emotional turmoil comes from. I know that in my life, adopting dd has brought much of the issues from my childhood to the surface, things I haven't thought about in years. being a recent aparent, my guess is that number two won't bring up as much turmoil as number one, esp if you've dealt with some of the issues. you're not blindsided as you probably were.
I wish you luck working thru this.
lisa
I relinquished in 65 and had my daughter in 75 and my son came along unexpectedly in 77..
I was using protection and it did not work..
So for me it just happened.. It was easier for me for the third.. When I had my daughter in 75 I had sorted nothing.. She came along and all the emotions came slamming at me.. I remember being left in the hallway after the birth.. hubby had gone home (it took a long time to have her) and she was gone (in distress because of the difficult birth) I remember a nurse saying to me..Are you all alone?Ԕ
Yup
But with my third born.. it was easy..it was heck.. joyful..
So I think we do learn how to navigate this stuff.. Or I did..
Jackie
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Thanks, ladies. All of you said something that spoke to me. :) :)
Brandy, I think a lot about how adding another child to the family will affect Marie, too. Right now the kids in the family consist of Marie, Maya, Elise. Three girls. What if Matt and I have a boy? Where will he fit in? Will he feel on the outs? Or.. what if Elise feels closer to Marie than our next kid does, due to being closer in age... will that be hard on the next kid? And... how does our adding more bio kids to our family affect Maya? She's already gonna have to deal with no birthfamily connections at all (closed adoption), while her sister, Marie, has bfamily contact... does it become more and more painful for Maya, the more bfamily members Marie has that Maya doesn't?
I don't know. Stupid things I think about. Not stupid, I guess, but pointless, because in the end I know we just have to do what's right for our nuclear (Matt, me, Elise) family, and trust that the other stuff will work out. There are going to be hard questions and complicated discussions no matter what, seeing as how we're already not the "typical" family, being that Marie is adopted, so....
Jackie, your experience with your first post-placement sounds so similar to mine. I too hadn't really sorted anything, and you're right, it DID blindside me. I just worry that there are even more issues that haven't come up yet, that could blindside me with a second. How do you think through these things ahead of time, you know? God, we really need more good adoption counselors in this world. All I got before Elise was born was a generic, "This is probably going to stir up some feelings for you." But no one could tell me exactly what those feelings might be, or how to work through them. No one knew to say, "Look, when you have another one and find yourself capable of parenting, you're quite possibly going to question why you ever relinquished the first." Etc. Nope, just a generic, "This might stir up feelings of loss for you." Ha. If it had only been that simple... feelings of loss I could deal with... it was the anger, guilt, rage, and the dawning realization that I didn't HAVE to relinquish Marie, and coming to regret it, that nearly killed me. Ugh.
But it gives me hope that it was much better for you with the second post-placement child. THANK YOU.
I think I have an aversion to pregnancy and birth now. That's what it feels like. You know, like when if your a child you almost drown, you might have an aversion to water as an adult. LOL. Well, I've had two not-so-nice experiences with preg/birth, and I just feel now like I do NOT want to "go there" ever again. :o
I had my second child less than four years after losing my first in a closed adoption. I was just overjoyed that my second son was mine to keep, newly married, happy family.
The marriage failed miserably and then I had another relationship for 3 1/2 years that amounted in heartbreak.
Then I met my husband and we decided to have Miss S. THAT felt totally alien...actutally planning a child. Thirteen years after my first born. She was the only planned conception.
Twenty months later, we threw all caution to the wind and welcomed my third son to our family. He, being my last, also brought feelings unexpected. At this point I was firmly engrossed in education about adoption so I often found myself thinking of my other blue eyed boy.
I am definatly done now, making people, but I do not expect that my dance with adoption is over. I know that new feelings will continue to emerge and need to be processed as my position though life changes. There is always something new to ponder about.
I don't mind being intropesective every now and again, but that's all it amounts to be for me. I have come to expect it like some sort of clockwork, a rising tide. Blue days..intorvertion.
I would never have imagined that I would be who I am now. Mostly a mom in a big old house always needing repairs with constant mess and never ending demands for juice and food and attention.
But mostly, I look around and see just how very alive my home is. Constant activity, projects, babysitting coordination, work schedules, car reapirs, cooking food...And the constant chatter...always the two youngest playing, fighting, yelling, talking, in the background or in your face. Phone ringing, neightbors visiting, teenage blabbering...and I am spinning like a top in the middle of it, trying to orchestrate it all.
I must love the choas..we just got a puppy and a kitten this week.
I never imagined that I could be this way and I am not sure how it happened, but I couldn't imagine it any other way. I couldn't have planned this..life just had to happen.
I think there are alot of things you just can't be really forwarned about..it's all too personal and subjective. We just have to take a deep breath and live it. Planning is fruitless.
Whatever you do, adoption will be there. It will be what it is..don't let it hold you back from doing what you want to...it will be there no matter what...so you might as well try to be happy in everyother aspect in your life however you want it to be.
Ugg. I'm rambling.
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