Just found out I'm pregnant. Need Advice Please!

Mia, Right now you have three options available to you: 1. Terminate the pregnancy. 2. Parent your child 3. Place your child with adoptive parents. If you're considering termination, that decision needs to happen very shortly, because it's more difficult and complicated to terminate a pregency that's more than 12 weeks in gestation. If you decide to give birth, you have plenty of time to decide what you wish to do. You may even choose to parent, then if you find it's not what you want, place later. This can and does happen. So relieve yourself of any pressure that you have to decide what's best for you. There is no easy answer here, all of your options involve some pain. I'm not going to beat around it. Terminating a pregnancy is hard to do, emotionally. Parenting is hard to do, emotionally. Placing is hard to do, emotionally. In every option, there are people who would praise you and people who would condemn, pity, or disregard you. Each option has the potential to enrich or destroy your life. So, please, do not make your decision based on pressure from others. It must be in your heart the thing for you to do. As for alcohol use in early pregnancy, you should consult with your OB/GYN. Any alcohol consumed does increase the risk of developmental issues for a fetus in utero, though keep in mind that's only a risk - some children born of even constantly-drinking mothers have no issues. If you do choose to place, the right family will not care whether you drank alcohol in early pregnancy, and yes, there are people out there who don't. More than you would think. Hang in there. Best of luck. Regina

I know that anyone i ask for advice in my life is going to tell me to just get an abortion. After reading more into adoption its hard for me to do that. There are so many people out there who are desperate for a child. I can't even imagine going through that procedure anyways. For me, abortion probably is the best option, but I just don't know if I could ever have peace with any of the options I'm given. I know its all up to me but I really would appreciate personal opinions of those whom have had an abortion and wished they chose adoption or vice versa or anything that they think could help. Everyone is different and its not likely that what one person thinks will simply change my mind, I would just like to get some food for thought. PS. Thanks for your post, I was kind of worried about the whole drinking thing. I still am but I guess I feel a little better about it.

We have a fully open adoption with our son's birthmom (for us "fully open" means that we talk on the phone regularly, send pictures often and visit a few times a year). Because of our close relationship, she shared with us -- months after our son was born -- that as much as she loves him and is glad that he is here and that he is with us, she sometimes thinks her life would have been easier if she'd chosen abortion. Placing him for adoption was incredibly difficult for her for many reasons -- among those was the fact that it brought up all the various losses she'd experienced in life and added a new kind of loss to the pile. We talked about it some and she also realized that abortion would have been a loss as well -- in a very different way. In the end, she chose adoption because her circumstances where so rough that she really did not feel able to parent and she did want to give the baby the chance to have a life. Counseling would have been wonderful for her but she refused it all along the way (till this day). If you have the chance to obtain it and are open to it, counseling could be tremendously helpful. It is really important to see someone totally objective -- not connected in any way with an adoption agency -- so that they can really help you sort through your thoughts, feelings and options. You mentioned that the baby's father is your long time bf. Does he know about the pg? Would he be supportive of parenting? adoption? abortion? It could be helpful to talk things through together and maybe even receive some of the counseling together as a couple -- this is a decision you both need to make together. Please take your time. If you've just found out this news, it must be a huge shock that's got your mind swirling with confusing thoughts and feelings. Over time, it may become more clear to you what feels best in your situation. By the way, just to let you know, with our son's birthmom there was a lot more going on in terms of substance abuse than some early (casual) alcohol use. We didn't know the full extent till after the adoption was finalized and she felt safer to tell us but we did have some ideas... we felt comfortable pursuing the adoption anyway. Hope this helps some. Please feel free to keep posting with questions as you may have them along the way. Wishing you all the best, Ellie

This is hard for me to write without being misinterpreted. So I'll just say it. The absolute WORST reason for deciding to place is because of so many people desperate for a child. Whether they become parents or not is not dependent solely on you. If they are meant to parent a child not born to them, their child WILL come. If they're not, it won't. Yes, I've heard all the statistics on numbers of hopeful parents vs. expectant parents making plans that make the whole thing seem like an odds game. It's simply not that easy. You are not a statistic, they are not a statistic, this child is not a statistic. This is what I mean about not making a decision based on pressure or influence of others. The only way to be at peace is to understand what is truly in your heart. For there are those who will tell you they placed and wished they'd terminated or parented. There are those who will tell you they terminated and wished they parented or placed. And there are those who parented and wished they'd terminated or placed. And you will hear from those who will tell you their choice and how it was absolutely the best for them. All of their stories are varied. Listen to them, of course. Just remember that none of them are living your life. Remember that those closest to you love you and want your life to be wonderful. So whatever they advise, it's done from that place. And many of them are likely just as terrified as you are. Be sure though most importantly to listen to the quiet voice in your heart. The one that says 'That's OK, I will go forth again tomorrow' in times of great darkness. Hang in there. Regina

Hi, you are in between a rock and a hard place. I have been there. I do know how you feel. I am a birthmother in what would be considered a "successfull" open adoption ie I have been in contact with my teenaged bdaughter with visits etc since she was relinquished. But if I could turn back time this is what I would do. Keep your baby and be proud to be his/her mother. It will change your life and you will have to put somethings you want to do on hold - at the end of the day that's no big deal because I know that you will catch up later on or do what you want slightly differently. Please don't get stressed about that. Don't listen to people who tell you that you will never do "this' or "that" or the other thing - rubbish. Children do slow you down but they don't bring your life to an end! The first three years will be tough emotionally and financially etc. It is for almost every parent. Don't feel guilty about putting your child in daycare if necessary - this doesn't make you a bad parent and is not the end of the world for your child despite the negative stuff that goes around about childcare. My kept child has been in daycare and my mother is blown away by her educational advances compared to myself at the same age. She is also very social and confident - there is a plus side. Being a parent is a fantastic role - tough and challenging - but ultimately the best thing i have ever done. TAke advantage of every bit of social welfare help - do not feel guilty about this. If you choose adoption then you will never be this child's mother again. You will be the bmother which is an incredibly weird role which no one can exactly define or identify. In the long term where will you fit into your child's life? I am struggling with this right now and I am sure my bchild is as well. You will be praised by the aparents and agency for relinquishing your child but after you do society will mostly treat you with contempt - ie "how could you give your child away" etc. If you choose to go down the adoption route then please, please only choose a family who is already invloved in an open adoption and please talk to the other bmother before signing any documents. Make sure the family is committed. Or make sure the adoption is done in a state that has LEGAL open adoption. If you don't do this there is a chance that the open adoption could be closed by the aparents. This does happen - just check out this site! If you do choose an open adoption make sure you are prepared to commit to the agreement. I'd advise at least six visits a year until the child is 17/18 or they decide they want more or less visits. Make the most of your visits with your child when they are young ie play with them heaps. When you are not there send them cool cards, stickers, funny toys, let them know that you think about them, love them etc. Do the ground work for when they are older. At the end of the day I am so glad I did not abort my child but adoption has caused me all kinds of grief, regret and loss. It has impacted on my life in so many ways - more than I ever expected. ie my second child is now sad that she never gets to see her big sister who doesn't want to have contact right now. That's just one way. My niece about the same age as my bdaughter would like contact but the bdaughter ended that as well. Everyone is sad from me to extended family. I have to pay for counselling to sort out my grief etc. I have suffered from depression. I "zone out" a lot thinking about my bdaughter and how to maintain our relationship. (sigh) Good luck. I know that you are probably not ready to parent but that situation could change in 12 months to three years and you have lost that child forever. Please give parenting a shot you can always change your mind later if it's really not what you are ready to do. Your baby wants to be with you. He/she doesn't want to go live with strangers so hold on to her and do your best. lol banjo

You will find every story under the sun out there as it has been already stated. For every opnion saying one thing, you will find another person who who says 180 degrees to the next. So far, you have gotten really great advice, but since you asked for the comparision stories..I'll give you mine. I had an abortion when I was 18. Still in high school, child concieved ( failed B.C) of my ex, my first love. There was no thought process there..I got out the phone book and made the appoinment. It wasn't really sad for me, nor uncomforatable, nor painful..it just was, and then I wasn't and it was over. I am not one who gets morally hung up on abortions so there was not guilt. I have always seen them as a necessary evil, not a form of birth control, but something that should be there if one needs it. Graduated HS, moved on in life and became involved with a man that I had no buisness being involved with. Became PG again. There is a reason they took the sponge off the market. As I had already had an abortion, I kinda felt that I used up my chances..not that I actually made a decision one way or another for over 6 months..I just was in a huge place of denial..did nothing until it was too late. My son was born and I placed him for adoption. I was 19. A few years later.....yep.PG again...antibotics and the pill DO cancel each other out. I felt my options then were to keep my child or abort, but as I had already made the decisions previously I asked my boyfriend to choose. I was sad when my very Catholic love choose the abortion, but again...I went back to the clinic and again, it wasn't too much of anything for me. I was more sad that I didn;t get the "lets have a baby and live happily ever after" My second son was concieved less than 9 months later. There was no question then, that I would birth and parent this child. Although I was still young ( 23) and needed the shotgun wedding, we stuggled financially, and the marrige did eventually fail; my son has been my constant source of inspiration and motivation for 14 years now. Neither abortion has colored my life in any way that is obvious nor have they effected my day to day existance. The adoption of my first born son is another matter entirely. It continues to not only efect my life and his, but the lives of my children ( now 3 at home), my relationshups, my extended family..the ripples of this action seem to have no end. The aproximate time spent with adoption issues, processing feelings, battling grief, is huge. The number of tears shed is unmeasurable. Shezz, just the amount of time I have spent writing about it all. And I am one of the lucky ones all and all. I had a good agency, my son has had a good life, I have had a good life, I am happy..but still..if I could go back, in a heartbeat, I would give up all I have now to chance and keep my first born son. Placing my son was the greatest single action that effected me..bigger than my mother's death to cancer, any broken heart, my 14 year old needing open heart surgery, my divorce... It is the single moment in ime where I can say, without a doubt, if I had choosen the other path everything would have been different. Maybe not better in regards to so many of the situations that happen in life, but I know I would not have lived the last 18 years of my life missing an essential part of my life. The abortions..are not even blips on my radar screen..the adoption is a major change of latitude...I was exiled to another country. To me there is no comparision between the two. Am I glad I gave birth to all my children? Yes, but I wish I had the forsight and wisdom to do all I could have to have kept my first born. Interestingly enough..both of the boys that became live births were concieved during the time frame that would have been the pregnancy in the earlier abortion's pregnancy...so if I had carried the first pregnancy, then the second one could not have happened..and the same goes with the third and fourth. Now, with age and hindsight, I really do beleive that sometimes we just have to embrace what life hands you. Life never goes according to our plans, but it does have the mysterious ability to all work out if we just let it. I wish I could have grabbed my first chance at motherhood, embraced my son and never let him go..I know we would have been just fine now.

Claud, what you wrote is amazing...I am not sure how to do those fancy quote things but I agree with everything you have written esp this: "The adoption of my first born son is another matter entirely. It continues to not only efect my life and his, but the lives of my children ( now 3 at home), my relationshups, my extended family..the ripples of this action seem to have no end. The aproximate time spent with adoption issues, processing feelings, battling grief, is huge. The number of tears shed is unmeasurable. Shezz, just the amount of time I have spent writing about it all." thanks banjo

Why thank you..I always hesitate with abotion issues sice I tend to get zapped with negative rep points after it, but the dear girl did ask for specifics. ( bracing myself for the red boxes now)

My advice: Talk to your long time boyfriend not distant cyber contacts. Follow your heart, and if you are a person of faith, listen for guidence. You will be ok. You will not always be 20, and life will happen before you know it. In my life, I believe everything happens for a reason. figuring out the reason.. not so easy, Good luck to you. In my opinion.. It's too early to be thinking adoption..

I just replied to all of your great comments in what I felt was exactly what I wanted to say, but then my internet got disconnected and it was all eraced. So hopefully I can do it again.I wanted to thank everyone for their comments. Reading other people's opinions really helps me to sort through mine. Thats the main reason I posted on here. I wanted to consider all of my options. Even though I know parenting isn't' a very practical one. I posted on here right after I found out that I was pregnant and before I talked to my boyfriend, he was working all day and I didn't feel it was appropriate to discuss it until he was home. I was just feeling really impatient to talk about it and I'm really glad that i did post. I have gotten some important help and advice. I'm not sure adoption would be right for me, I guess I was kind of thinking, why should i only think about making the my next 9 months happy when I can make 3 other people's happy for the rest of their lives. I guess thats still a hard thing to consider. But I jsut don't know if its right for me. The pregnancy would last the entire rest of these next two incredibally important semesters. That idea still makes me feel incredibally selfish. However my sister has had an abortion and had a baby. She has always been kind of an emotional wreck before any of this, but she seems to have gotten through the abortion okay. I know I'll have a lot of people to lean on through this whole thing from the people close to me. I've just always babysat in my life, I plan on going into child psychology and teaching music to young students. So it is just hard for me to come to the right conclusion between my heart and reality. If I could financially support this, I would do it in a heartbeat, but... Thank you so much for sharing your stories and opinions with me. It really means a lot and has helped tremendously to sort through all of my own thoughts. Especially the comment about the "blips on the radar" thing. Thats how I can imagine it being, though still a bit difficult to think of the what ifs. My other post would have been much better, I hate trying to recreate something that was everything I wanted to say. haha