Should foster kids "be grateful"?

I have a hard time with this...Expecting them to be grateful is a pretty heavy expectation...I don't think they thought their situation was that bad so to them you were part of the the problem, not the solution. They wanted to be with their bios, you were in the way, according to them. And personally, expecting bio children to be grateful is too much. I think we can teach them to be grateful but it's not something they feel on their own. Children are self centered, that's just part of their cognitive development. Gratitude is learned not innate. Kat

Grateful? No. Respectful? Yes. Appreciative of things? Yes. (as should bio kids when they get things). Fostering, like any parenting, is one of those "jobs" where you rarely see the fruit of your labor until 20+ years later. I have had most of my boys move on and then tell me how much they were glad they were with us and wished they still were. When you get kids who just DO NOT want to be with you, it is near impossible to succeed with them. When I am getting blatant disrespect over limit setting, I DO remind them that I don't have to do X, Y, and Z. I only have to do A, B, and C. I would say the same to bios.

Grateful? No. Respectful? Yes. Appreciative of things? Yes. (as should bio kids when they get things). Fostering, like any parenting, is one of those "jobs" where you rarely see the fruit of your labor until 20+ years later. I have had most of my boys move on and then tell me how much they were glad they were with us and wished they still were. When you get kids who just DO NOT want to be with you, it is near impossible to succeed with them. When I am getting blatant disrespect over limit setting, I DO remind them that I don't have to do X, Y, and Z. I only have to do A, B, and C. I would say the same to bios.

Hi , I understand what you are saying and agree with you that a child in foster care shouldn't be reminded that things could be worse. They know already in many cases that things could be worse for them. It already has been, worse. You may consider me old fashion and close minded. But a child no matter if they are in Foster Care or if you gave birth to them, Should show you respect , after all you are feeding them and putting clothes on their bodies. For a child to tear up the clothes you have just bought them and to spit on them and throw them away , just because they arent name brand clothes like Niki and other brands. Is wrong, you are doing the best you can with you have, Dont you agree that, that child should be reminded that they are lucky they have some thing to wear. Yes it may not be name brand but it is clothes. My daughter N laws brothers were in foster care, their dad bent over back wards to get them back, he was homless and lost them for a short time, after he got them back he was just barely making enough to give them a good home and feed them, and that was the thanks he got the first Christmas they were home with him after all he went through. So I don't care what any one has to say I was taught that a child should be respectful for what they have. In any reasonable way other than abuse. If you want to condemn me and say I dont deserve a child you can. I've seen children come from good foster homes and bad ones . No child should have to be stolen from their parents, by a system, but every child should have respect. I was threatened by my parents to about foster homes when I was a child. Yes in today standards my parents would of been considered abusive their forms of discipline. shoot they would of built the prison around my Grand Father. With his methods of discipline. But you know I'm glad that my parents were the way they were. They taught me to have respect for other people and the law. They taught me that I should be grateful for the thing I have , no one is entitled to any thing when it is a gift, you accept it and be thankful that they thought enough about you to give it to you. To many children out here today are not grateful for any thing , they think they are entitled to every thing. God Bless the parents and foster Parents who teach their children to have respect and to be grateful. No one is entitled to any thing. But every child is entitled to a home were they are loved and not abused. Not all discipline that was used in the forties and fifties was abuse, even though in today's standards it would of put most parents in prison, or under them.

the original question... Kind regards, Dickons

I'm not sure I expected gratefulness, but I have to admit that my expectations were off when it came to the sib group and that's my fault. When I agreed to do emergency placements, I was worried about having to deal with kids coming directly from horrible abusive situations who are frightened and upset. I never expected that type of anger or older kids being livid about being removed. I certainly wasn't prepared for it. My Dh and I went out of way to really try to do something very nice for these kids. Saying "thank you" wasn't necessary. But I did hope that we would see that they were appreciative and I knew they wouldn't be happy, but thought perhaps relieved to be out of the horrible situation they were in. It disappointed me was not seeing that my efforts weren't appreciated. I've been told that being a foster parent "must be so rewarding" and I laugh now, since it certainly doesn't feel that way very often. It's a thankless job most of the time.

No, I do NOT believe that foster children need to show gratitude for being removed from their homes and placed in foster care. I DO believe that they need to show respect for their elders, however, even if they have to fake it for a while. Kids don't ask to be born, and they certainly don't ask to be abused or neglected and then placed into a stranger's home. I've rarely known any child, whether a kid living with his parents or in a foster home, to be grateful to the adults. That seems to be something that comes with age and maturity...in adulthood.

I loved Betzim's reply. And to add my own, we should all be grateful bio or adopted for being in a good home. Children need respect and dignity but it doesn't mean they shouldn't be grateful as well. I try to instill in my kids gratitude all the time. Thankfulness or gratefulness leads to happiness.

I do not think they should be grateful necessarily but I do expect a certain level of cooperation and respect. To teens especially, I tell them that it sucks to be in a foster home but I've heard it sucks more to be in a group home or in juvie, etc. They don't have to like foster care or me. I'll work with them as much as I can to make it not suck so bad but they need to work with me too. If we can't come to an understanding, they have to go. Even the cooperative ones who want to be here vs a different foster home are sometimes very difficult.

I grew up in an abusive home. We should have been removed, but were not. I lived in fear of being removed. My family may have been screwed up but it was still my family. I loved them. I met a girl at school who recognized the signs of abuse in me, and we became friends. She was living in a foster home, a good one. However, she never reported what she knew was going on in my house because she still considered her being taken as the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Far worse than abuse. She lost her sibling, she lost her extended family and friends and her school. She lost lots of her belongings, the foster mom was a stay at home mom who cooked big meals, but my friend was not used to the kinds of foods she cooked and missed what she was used to. Not because it was better - she knew it wasn't, but because it was familiar. She helped me cover my bruises so no one else would see, she was protecting me from being taken from my family. I lived in fear because I knew that we would likely be separated (there were eventually 7 of us, I was the oldest and I raised my siblings) I couldn't bear the thought of having the other kids taken from me. The idea of having to learn all new rules, I lived in a home where we didn't flush often because water costs money. We showered once a week. We got in big trouble for wasting food, even a spoonful of leftovers was saved for another day. Stale bread was soaked in milk (usually powdered) Clothes were worn several times before washing. You ate quickly and didn't look up. If you had a problem you dealt with it yourself. My friend talked about how hard it was to figure out and remember all the rules of the new house. Stuff that seemed normal to the bio kids in that family, but was not normal to her. She was angry at being removed from her life. She was not just removed from her parents, she was removed from her life. Her schedule was different, the rules were different, the smells were different, the food, routines, the voices, the sounds the house made at night, everything. She had no idea when she would see her parents or other relatives again. The new school did things in a different order from the old school so she was frustrated. Yes, she was angry, I was angry for her, she was also terrified. I cannot imagine if her foster parents had expected her to be grateful. During our long recess talks, she talked about how she tried to make them happy, but it was hard to remember all the rules and stuff. She really felt like they were just doing a job and didn't really want her. She considered running but had nowhere to go. She knew life could be worse, but in her mind she was already in hell. Respectful behavior is one thing, but I think gratitude is too much.

Sounds like their our a wide variety of opinions all away across the board. I think what it comes down to is the situation, the age of the child and wording. I think we forget that their is always something to be thankful for no matter what the situation. I'm a former foster kid, I have been through abuse, but even during that abuse their were kids who had it worse than me. i understand that most kids don't think that way and maybe I was a little different. I knew my foster parents had to take care of me, more sign up to just help kids. I was grateful I had a home that treated me well, I wasn't abused and I wasn't a check. Many others kids around me didn't see it that way

I was told this by my foster parents. I believe it was a fear tactic, so we would be to scared to stand up for ourselves and turn them in. Am I grateful to my foster parents? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I think they were foster parents for the money or they were very cheap.

Thanks for all the feedback. Hearing everyone's opinion gave me a lot of different perspectives from different backgrounds!

AMEN!!! I have a cousin who adopted two kids from an eastern European orphanage. It ticks her off that they aren't grateful. Really? You expect a 3 year old and 6 year who were torn from their home, their culture, their language to be 'thankful'? She's an idiot.

I think you have to be realistic with your expectations. It depends on the situation, the child's situation maturity and age. I thank it also has a lot to do with wording. I think that if you were to use the word thankful then it sounds better but really I think it means the same thing. I understand that every child has the right to a good home and every foster child the right to a good foster home, but in reality there are many bad homes for both bio and foster kids. I think an older teen needs to understand that their are bad situations out there and if they are in a good place they should be thankful. I think it is important just as a person to be thankful for what you have and to always try to stay positive. Once again Nobody should have to be thankful or grateful for living in a safe and loving home but the reality of the world is that there are often many people in worse situations than we are, and sometimes we need to be reminded to be thankful if we have it better off.