Request some insight

I will e-mail you more specifics and would love to share more info with you. Kim

Susan, I just e-mailed you and I referenced you as having a daughter rather than your son in my e-mail. For some reason, I had in my head you had a daughter. In my e-mail I recommended you let the AMom lead to what kind of contact and when she wants it and just focus on your son. And, I read some of your other posts and totally get that you want to thank her. So may I suggest you write her a letter telling her what you want to tell her. Thanking her, commending her, letting her know you want to meet her... whatever it is you want to say so that you feel complete, and then just let her make the moves from there. While she may support the reunion and her sons desire to know you, she may not like it, she may feel insecure and uncomfortable, she may feel like it is you and your sons time now. Whatever it is, she needs to work it through and needs the time. And really, so do you. Every BMom experiences things differently and I was really high for about two weeks and then began a dive into the worst pain and greatest grief that I can't even explain. It was necessary for me to move through the grief and pain, and whatever I needed to during that first year. Focus on your son, your family and you. And take it slow and easy. I am so very happy for you and your Son. I am also a reunited adoptee and you have no idea what a blessing it is for him to know you, where he comes from and where he began. Take care!Kim

Kim: Thank you so much for you suggestions. I did get your email. I have thought of writing a letter, and the way you put it sounds good. Im not pushing to meet her, but at least letting her know how I feel and my gratitude for them in raising such a wonderful young man, and also allowing him to communicate with me.I have many emotions when thinking of meeting her. Up and down. Secure and insecure. It seem almost every aspect of the reunion is a rollercoaster. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have something now that I have only been able to hope for. I am blessed, and it takes constant reminding.Thank you again.Susan

Susan, The title to this is easier said that done..."no worries", yea right huh?? I am a recent reunited adoptee. I had my first phone conversation with my Mom in July 2005. I just want to encourage you because knowing how you feel about your birthson and how much you want to be a part of his life really encourages me. I am almost 24 years old and I still feel a deeper connection and love for my bmom than I ever have. I started searching when I was 18, and looking back, I would have had a much harder time with guilt feelings involving my adoptive parents back then than I do now. And I STILL DO NOW. I can imagine that as an 18 year old, he is having a hard time balancing with is adoptive parents and also all of the other things that are going on in his life. My adoptive parents have said the same thing about not wanting to intrude on my relationship with my birthmother and I. And I KNOW its nothing personal at all. Just trying to be respectful and sensitive. So be encouraged that he probably loves you very much and is struggling with life balance. And continue to let him know how much you care and the place he holds in your life. I know how important that is for me to know even still. Respectful honestly is the best policy. Thats all you can do. Thanks for posting. ~Rachel

Rachael Long time no see!!!! How's life with you? PM me and give me an update. I have thought of you often. Ann :flower:

Susan, I think it's probably trickier for amom that adad to deal with. My bson's amom seems to be the most insecure in the triad (and that's saying something!). She has said that if I had approached them when bson was 21 (he's 33) she wouldn't have been open to telling him. From what bson has said, she feels all he should want from me is medical information. That said, she has been very gracious, providing me with baby pictures. We finally met at the 1st birthday party for bson's daughter. (She held the baby most of the afternoon.) I just keep repeating that I'm not trying to take her place and that she is his mother. I got the feeling that she was a little irritated that bson has gotten close to my daughter from a comment she made. Once she realizes that we are a threat to her family (I really don't think we are!) I think things will be okay. (I suspect we'll never be best friends.) No one ever told us it would be easy!Kathy

I am three months into a reunion with my birthson who is 35. It has been a glorious reunion. We realized that we are living in the same city. At first it was amazing. The emotions and elation ran high. Then came the doubts on my part. He searched for me first. I decided to wait for him to do that, because I feared I would disrupt his life. When he did, I was absolutely thrilled, because I had all but given up hope that he would. He is successful and doing very well with his life. He is a giving and loving person and a wonderful husband and father. I have not met his adoptive parents yet, but I suppose I will. I try to imagine what his adoptive mom is feeling knowing that the son she has raised as her own now has another mother, who he shares a lot of similarity with. I feel pain because he will never feel about me the way my other two children do, and he is not rushing to let the bonds form between me and my granddaughter. However, I keep reminding myself about how torn his must feel now and confused. We are forming some very strong ties, but maybe he is somehow feeling like he is cheating his "mom" as a result. And she might be feeling like she is losing something in the bargain. She will never have the genetic bond that I have with him. There are so many people affected by this reunion in so many ways - my other children, my husband, his birth father, and many more extended family members who want to embrace him into the fold as much as I do. I suspect all of this takes more patience than many of us have had to have over the past years - living with the pain and loss of giving our children up for adoption in the first place. I suspect however, in the end, the pain and insecurity will fade and time will help smooth all of this, as well as add maturity in your birth son as the years go by. Thank God you found him when he is so young, so you will have lots of years to bond. Bless you.

KAKUEHL....His A-mom must be pretty young; I don't think she understands that what's happening is natural. Your birthson has a need to get in touch with his genetic heritage; he needs to know people whose genes direct his life.BUT! I am one who consistently warns birthparents to walk into reunion with a YOUNG birthchild VERY carefully and to be sure to fill themselves up with the gift of PATIENCE. Twenty-one is almost mid point in a young person's development. The world is his oyster, and he's slurping it up. He may be in college (doesn't need extra stress from a reunion at that point); may be having a serious romance leading to marriage (give him time to court and be certain of the right choice); perhaps he's already beginning a work carreer or trade (that is a full time endeavor and if he attempts to mix THAT with reunion something is going to fail badly). Give the A-mom time to process what is happening. Hopefully she'll come around. If she was more mature, she'd realize that you're not a threat. My daughter's birthmom was as anxious to meet me as was my daughter! the A parents and I had a wonderful relationship in the twilight of their lives. They both passed away, she in 2003 and he in 2004.Take it slow, and please do a lot of reading about reunions ... remember the rollercoaster we talk about and keep in mind that there are other stumbling blocks to overcome. You can learn from those who've already been there.Good Luck and Hugs,Carol Bird

VFLEBLANC:CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR REUNION! I hope I can put your mind at ease with my input.Three months is a short time; you have many happy (and not-so-happy) years ahead of you both. FIRST, keep your relationship to a one-on-one relationship for a while later. If possible, even a YEAR later. Don't expose your birthson to sundry relations. You and your husband and children are enough for now. It seems to me that your son is aware of the need to keep your reunion private in the early stages, so go along with him for a while.I'm speaking from experience -- like 20 years in reunion with my daughter, who was 32 (and a first time mother of a 5 month old girl) when she reunited with me. She did the "search," which could have been clocked as minutes, since I was on the ISRR since her 21 birthday (waiting longingly for HER to look for me).The other part is the adoptive parents. WAIT! My daughter tried to get me to visit hers just two months into reunion, and I was so nervous that I picked a "disagreement." I didn't really understand how anxious they were to meet (and thank) me. The second "disagreement" happened several months later when I DID meet them. I took to them right away, and they seemed to want to merge me into the family. But I got so stupidly jealous of the A-mom's close relationship with our daughter, that I separated myself from my daughter for several months. Which was easy, since she was in Michigan and I was in SE Florida.As I said, my first grandchild was 5 months old at reunion; 14 months later my second granddaughter was born. She's in her Freshman year in College now, and the 5 month old, a sophomore in college, turned 20 early this month. We bonded almost immediately and have had a great relationship over the years.So, be cool, dear. Don't rush it. Let your sensible son take the lead for a while (My daughter still holds the reins to our relationship!)DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BIRTHPARENTS. If they raised your son to be so sensible, they're probably sensible, too, and will recognize that he can love TWO moms and TWO dads, just like he managed his IN-LAWS and parents. Right now YOU and YOUR SON are the important players in this reunion scenario. Get to know one another. I assume you told him the circumstances that led to his adoption. Once told, leave it there and let him ask the questions. Don't apologize for what happened in the past. It is PAST. it's the future with your son in your life that's important, not the feelings of others. After all, you and he have much to learn about one another before you open the doors to the rest of your family and his family. The extended family will have their turn later.Have you read guidelines like REUNION SOCIALIZATION and other excellent guides? If not, check the Adoption.com Library or see Related Articles on my site, Carol's New Place ([url]http://carolsnewplace.homestead.com/[/url]Fell free to contact me any time you feel the need.Good Luck; I hope you continue with the smooth sailing...but, even if the waters are choppy at times, as long as you hang on, you'll come to smooth waters and sunshine. It's not much different than the relationship you have with your raised adult children. Hugs, Carol Bird

Thank you Carol Bird for your advice. It has helped me put all of this into perspective and realize how short a time I have been at this reunion stuff. My son is very sensible and kind. I will take your advice and be patient and concentrate on the him and me part of all of this for now. Thank you!

Susan,A question? Who searched for who? If you searched for him, he may not have been ready to handle all those emotions and school obligations, and sports. In any case, I'm sure he is feeling his amom's anxiety, and maybe a little pressure and thinks he needs to be loyal to her. My advice; Keep communication open with no pressure check in's. A text message, a quick phone call, etc. He'll open up again when he's ready. I have been reunited with my 18 yr old bson 7 months, and the first 2 months we couldn't get enough of eachother. Now, I usually make the calls, some are short but now and then he justs talks and talks. We see eachother about twice a month. They're teens, they're moody, confused, and unpredictable. I had another son with the same man just 17 months after relinquishing Jordan, so I am living with a 17 yr old. Hang in there, any contact is better than none. As far as amom goes? I'm not sure how to handle that one. She kinda has all the power. You certainly don't want to make her angry for fear she won't let you see your son. I guess I would just wait and see if she comes around. I'm sure she's feeling a little threatened. Maybe time will show her that she is still important to him and he can have both of you. Good luck.

Susan,I am an amom and my daughter reunited with her bmom in 2005. She had one reunion and after about 10 months she reunited again. The bmom lives over 3000 miles away. She does receive email from the bmom. The bmom and bfamily attended her graduation. The bsister and bbrother stayed at our home a few days this summer. Now, my daughter does not talk about the birth family. She leaves the room if I ask any questions about the family. My daughter will leave for college in 14 days. This does concern me, but maybe this is normal. Maybe the children need a break in the relationship. I know that she says, it makes her uncomfortable for me to talk with her about the bfamily. I think she is concerned about my feelings. Good luck and God bless you with your son.

WOW.... I feel the need to say Im sorry for abandoning this thread. For those that posted and recently posted Thank you...... I spent this morning re-reading the entire thread. May I say that there are some great supporters on this forum. Thank you again. I'll take you back to shortly after I posted the tread in October of 2005...... As I was still anxious about meeting my bsons amom...... I had to put it aside. And when I did that ( because I had no control over her) things began to get better. My bson and I still kept in contact and did many fun things together. He even mentioned that he could tell somthing had changed a little and it was good. I knew it was my stress level, he detected that I was focused on HIM and only HIM, and that is what he needed. In January I met his amom. We were to eat lunch together, but from the time we arrived at the restaurant, we talked for nearly 4 hours and never ordered lunch. It was amazing..... the waitress could tell something unique was happening and she never bothered us. It was at the end of her shift that she was brave and interupted us..... it was then that my bsons amom said We are meeting for the first time, we share a son.... then I said I am the bmom and she is the amom. The reaction from the waitress was disbelief... we all laughed. THE ICE WAS BROKEN! We met again the next month for lunch, we ate this time. It has also been the last time that she and I have had lunch.We spoke on the phone again in June to meet each other for her to give me my ticket to my bsons High School Graduation. It was durning this phone call that I realized the enormity of my presence in my bsons life.... his amom wanted specifically to share something with me... and this is what she said... " I had asked him how many announcements he wanted me to order. His response was 1. "I only need one for Sue." She went on to say "he didn't need to send any to his aunts and uncles, grandparents, he just wanted one for you".It was at that moment that I knew without any doubt or worry that I was a part of him and he was a part of me forever. A comfort only dreamt about.My bsons amom is an amazing woman. I respect her so much. They honor my relationship with their son, and are willing to share with me. We may never be shopping buddies and do lunch every month, but we know where each other stands and hold the respect for each other high. We share the most important thing and that is a deep love for a young man that has the unique opportunity to have two mothers. WOW.... I went to the graduation by myself and witnessed something I think I only dreamt about. I was honored to be there. I have since been to every soccer game that I was able to attend with my husband and 3 kids all wanting to support him too. My bson and I have spent much time together and will continue our journey. He said to me " this is a book worth writing and each chapter will get better and better, the best part is that there is no end in sight.... just a journey we get to write together" I know how blessed I am.... as we have been told... We knew it wouldn't be easy, but we were told it would be worth it! I know this with every ounce of my being..... what I have today with an amazing husband and 3 children and 1 bson..... I smile because I have joy! All my love to those that have posted, will post and just read. You are important and you are loved. Be strong because its worth it. Susan1987

I forgot one thing.... August 22 of this year my bson and I spent our 1 year mark together. It was a day that we each set aside to spend with each other. It was during dinner that the conversation jumped to meeting his amom......He shared with me his anxiety that he was feeling prior to her and I meeting. He wanted us to meet right away and didn't understand what her hold up was. He then realized that he didn't have control either and let it go. We realized that our experience was mirrored. It was commical, but comforting too. We both realized that what is most important is our relationship. And to worry about what we don't have control over will only hinder us. His parents allow us to have a relationship and for that I am grateful. Our time is cherrished and I see more and more that as a bmom Im not his mother..... but someone that he can rely on as a place for trust and support and honesty. He askes me questions with the trust that I will answer honestly. I will add this..... I am careful and do not overstep my bounds into attending to things that he should seek out his parents for.

Carol Bird, D's aMom is probably in her early 60's. I think it's probably a combination of personality and circumstances. D was adopted after she'd had a miscarriage and was told she'd have no more pregnancies. (Her 3rd child, 8 years younger than D is biological... so much for the wisdom of medicine.) I think that he felt smothered at times and I know that she is very protective. Since I last wrote we've had more occasions to be together as we helped D and J prepare for their son's birth. J went into early labor and they had her on modified bed rest... difficult with an 18 mo. old! We all pitched in as our schedules allowed. S dotes on her grandchildren which is fun to watch. They are at this point her only grandchildren while I have several others. Like Susan, I believe relationships are the most importand. I am happy that S is gradually getting more comfortable with our (me and my children, etc) presence in D's life and ultimately her own. We've just begun a relationship that will I hope last the rest of our lives. Blessings,Kathy