Who determined the "open-ness" of adoption?

I know that I have not approached the bmom's in either of our situations as foster/adopt parents might. My licensor always told me to form the very best bond you can so that if and when parents realize that they can't meet the expectations of the state, they can at the very least have the realization that their foster parents have REAL love for them. "Let the department and case worker be the enemy". I know other foster parents with whom bio parents have tried to prevent medical care for their own children because the relationship is SO terrible with the foster parents. In the case with the young mother, the night before we came to pick up KB, she was counting down '10 hours until I get to be a kid again...8 hours..."etc. It really was very sad to see someone SO young being torn...because when it came down to the actual separation she just put him in the car seat and turned her back. I wanted to reach out to her, but there are so many gray areas in the state system...and it is not always easy to just go with the moment. This was very much her decision, and from what we understand she made the decision before she gave birth, and wants more for her child thatn she can give. As I said, she is in foster care...became pregnant while at her mother's home. She doesn't want her son in and out of the system like she has been. I get the feeling that because of her history with the system she also has attachment issues. (the purpose of this question was simply to get an understanding of every facet of the open adoption world so as to better understand. Until I read several posts I did not know adoptions could be so open. It is not familiar territory for me)

I didn't either, until I came to this site. Where I live, open adoption is NOT supported. I haven't met one person in real life, who is doing what I am doing with visits. When I tell other amom's, I get the look like "are you nuts?" One of my friends calls me "goofy" when I talk about a visit. My priest told me that I would be confusing our child if I continue with this. It's so hard! The feeling I seem to get is that open adoption is much more poplar on the West Coast, instead of the East Coast. I don't know for sure, just the drift I get from talking to others here. Our agency only does semi-open adoptions with the recomendation that we could meet once a year at the annual picnic, which is scheduled by them. They do all the inviting. They feel that too much can go wrong in open adoptions. It was only after my daughter was 18 months old that I changed the adoption from semi-to open. I do have to admit that I'm not a big fan on extremely open adoptions with many visits and weekends that the children go to stay with the bfamilies. That would be too uncomfortable for me. A couple of visits a year (we do 2 or 3) is fine. I do like to talk to them about once every two weeks. Email or talk. That works for all of us, bmothers, bfathers and us.

It was mutual - we all wanted a fully open integrated adoption. For DH and I, there were several reasons. Growing up, we had a family friend who was a closed-era adoptee. I witnessed her reunion, and saw the relief and peace she found just having all those 'pieces' of her. We're a military family, used to making our family where we were, and in both of our families, if you hang around us long enough, you start getting wedding invitations and such. Ryan's bfamily is very similar. Earlier this year I had a good conversation with Ryans' aunt. Asked her - why us? Why different this time? Your family has a strong tradition of keeping placements within the family - grandparents raising grandkids, sisters raising each others children, etc. She said - we didn't place outside the family. We just decided to make you family. It doesn't work for everyone, it works for us though. Ryan has all his pieces - he has his complete history, not just from birth forward - just like any child raised by their biological family. And our family just got bigger. Regina

bug&bearsmommy, dd's bmom was young too, 15 at placement. she's a talented, straight A student who just met a guy. your story reminded me of her. the day they left the hospital she was anxious to hurry home-she wanted to go to the water park that weekend :eek: . her mom broke it to her that she might not feel up to the waterpark. it was a very 15 year old comment to make. At times she seemed so mature, and then others she seemed 15. she got her report card while in the hospital and I have pictures and memories of bmom and her friends (who came to visit) discussing her grades in a very teen sort of way. the youngest bmoms i think are the hardest because they've got so much life ahead of them and are asked to make a very mature decision at such a young age. We're in touch with bmom and her parents and sisters. not sure what life will bring bmom, but I'm pretty sure her parents will stay in dd's life :) . lisa

I don't want to divert this thread too much, but the comments about young birthparents has really struck a chord with me. I was 17, so not super young, but still in high school. My friends skipped school to come visit me in the hospital. Then, the day after I got out of the hospital without a baby, they skipped again, brought all of the student council ballots to my house and we spent the afternoon hanging out with my mom, drinking kool-aid and eating cookies, counting votes. My physics class was planning a "Physics day at the amusement park" and I remember really hoping the baby would be born just two weeks early so I would be able to go on the rides...I figured two weeks really wouldn't hurt the baby... (The amusement park trip got cancelled and the baby was born two weeks late, so I guess it all works out in the end.) My sister was only 14 when my birthdaughter was born. She was so sad and really didn't understand. She was so excited to get to visit the baby. I remember a few years later, her first year in college and she was living in the same town as the adoptive family. She called me (2000 miles away) and asked if I could call them and ask if she could go visit because it wasn't fair that I got to see P whenever I wanted and she had to wait for a time when I could take her. So, she went over for dinner and now visits more than I do. I think one of the differences between open adoptions with 2-3 visits per year and visits every week is how much emphasis is put on each visit. When visits only happen a couple times/year, it is a BIG DAY! Like a birthday or Christmas or the 1st day of school. People get super excited, dress up, make plans, clean the house-generally make a really big deal of it. After all, it only happens a couple times a year. When visits happen every week, it is just something that happens normally. There is no reason to get nervous or keyed up, it's just like watching ER on Thursday night or playing on the school playground at recess or having spaghetti for dinner. It is a nice thing, but still pretty normal and typical. As far as openness is concerned, I think both are great-if they work for everyone involved. My situation has me visiting a couple times a year because I live 3000 miles from the family, but my sister visits at least once a week. If I lived in the same town, I would probably see them almost as often and that would be just fine, but right now I simply live too far away.

Amom2two- "When I tell other amom's, I get the look like "are you nuts?" I know exactly what you mean! I used to take the time to explain why we chose open adoption, now I mostly just give them back the same look and say "it's what we wanted, and it works for us".

(((billysmommy)) It's good to see you again on this thread! :) I don't even talk about it with friends anymore. I saw one today who I haven't seen in 3 months. Her husband is an adoptee and doesn't agree with what I'm doing. I was dying to talk about next weekend when I'm having a Halloween party for my chldren's bmom's to meet. When I left, I had blood in my mouth from having to bite my tongue so often LOL :D I was excited and just wanted to share but I knew it would be heated debate... Freetobeme....You touch on some good points. I do think the distance is what prevents us from getting together. With my dd bmom, we need to pick her up and bring her here and then take her home. Each trip is 1 1/2 hours. That makes it hard. Your right that we do make it a big event. We are having a Halloween Party next weekend for them to meet and I'm excited as well as they are. I make sure I take lots of pictures, cook special food and make it a complete FUN day. I do NO household chores, except basic stuff. :D Our visits last all day and late into the night. I think some bmoms seem to forget that when an afamily have multiple children with different bparents, all of sudden those 3 or so visits for one person becomes 9 and more visits per year for the afamily. When it's not just a drop in visit and short hello, then you do have to plan and prepare. I usually have to prepare lunch and dinner. It's a long day and no matter how much we all like each other, there is still some nervousness, because this is still new to everyone. I am sure, years down the line, the nervousness will go away as we all grow into the new shoe's we are wearing.

that's so cool of your sister. dd's bmom has a younger sister who was 10 at dd's birth and is now 12. She had the closest bond I think to dd of all the sisters, partly because they had to smuggle her up to the room to see dd due to her age. when we went to visit them this summer she was all over dd, and I think she'll always be close to dd. turns out dd really liked her too, it was an instant mutual attraction :) . dd's bfamily lives 2100 miles away, otherwise we'd probably get together every week or two. next year we hope to move closer, so we'll only be about 1000 miles away. That and a larger house should make it easier to have everyone come out more often. amom2two-you're right about the multiple children. we're hoping to adopt again next year and wonder if their relationship to us will be as close as it is with dd's bfamily. It will be more complicated, and juggling all the photos, which will be one set to my sister and family, one set to dh's family, one set to bmom (then in college), one set to bgrandparents (maternal), one set to bdad and family-boy, we'll go broke just with the mailings. Add another kid and extended family to that and we'll need a second mortgage for the photo bill! hopefully both kids bfamilies will all get along and do well together-fingers crossed. It's like when you marry, you get your spouses family too (whether you like it or not ;) ). you then make it work. Sometimes it's not work at all, other times it's pretty complicated. and when we tell folks, most are thrilled and pretty excited about our contact, but a few do say what a saint I must be-if they only knew. This contact is a benefit to us as aparents as it is to dd. and hopefully bfamilies get something out of it too.

(((Lisa))) LOL I hear you. Here is my secret for simplifying my life. Get a computer that you can burn to, down photo's from your digital camera and then set these photo's with music, artwork and notes. You can then burn this cd/DVD for them, make multiple copies, slip in a thin envelope and mail. The bfamilies put it in their DVD player, press play and presto....A video of their birth child to always have. I can't wait to hear how the bparents feel after they get this for Christmas. :) I'm seeing them next weekend too and I'll have to bite my tongue again, not to want to share this. LOL By the way, it would be easier to deal with open adoption when you receive comments like "aren't you a saint", instead of "are you goofy?". You just confirmed my feeling of west coast to east coast attitude. LOL WHO WANTS TO BE GOOFY? :o (((hugs)))

AMom2Two-You are right that as birthparents we don't always remember that there is a whole other birthfamily out there. I guess visits can really add up-especially during holidays and popular visit times. You also said that you are sure the nervousness before visits will go away as time goes by. In my case, that has certainly been true. I used to have to take four entire days off work for a simple 3 hour visit. I was so nervous the day before that I had to have the day off, couldn't have anything else scheduled the day of and then needed a couple days to process and regroup afterwards. Now, it has been over 10 years and I'm still really excited to see the entire family, but no more nervous than when I go to see my sister. Did I understand right that both of your children's birthmom's are going to meet each other? That is really cool. I'd be really excited to meet my birthdaughter's sister's birthparents. Really nervous, too...I guess that would just start the nervous cycle all over again! LisaCa-I think part of the reason my sister is so close to my birthdaughter is also because of the hospital stay. My mom roomed in with me, then at midnight, my sister called from her best friend's house (where she was spending the night) and asked for mom to come pick her up. So, my mom and sis ended up sharing this low, narrow hospital cot! She had felt so left out because she wasn't involved in the adoption planning process and now she just wanted to hold her little tiny baby neice.

AMom2Two: lol-I have relatives back east, inlaws in particular, who think we have completely lost our minds. for the past 15 months of dd's life, they have been convinced that dd's bfamily must want to kidnap her. i keep telling them that's not how it works, but then they say "mmmhmmm", in that tone that says "can't wait to say I told you so". They were less than thrilled that we intended to spend 7 days with bfamilies and only 9 days with them. somehow, the idea that we were spending time with them at all was all wrong :confused: . so I delight in telling them how much I really like her bfamily and how great it was to spend time with them and how I can't wait to see them again :D . If they could commit me and dh they would. They live in NY. I haven't met anyone with that attitude here on the west coast, but I think really open adoptions may be more common here, or at least discussed more. the saint thing is a little old. There's while sometimes I feel like a saint (mostly for not killing dh for whatever :p ), it's never about this adoption stuff. and thanks for the tip on the gift! Of course that assumes that our inlaws have a dvd player and know how to use it ;) .

((Free to be me))) Yes, my children's bmom's are meeting this Saturday. I'm throwing a Halloween party here at the house. It will the 2nd time I saw my sons bmom and the 4th for my dd bmom. I feel nervous that everyone won't have a good time. It's supposed to rain all day too which means we will all be house bond :eek: . LOL :D I hope nobody says anything wrong. I hope they like one another. One bmom is 40, the other is 17. I'm nervous of the age gap. I'm nervous they won't like my cooking. I'm nervous they might not get along. I'm nervous how my daughter is going to react. This is the first visit in which she is aware she came from XX belly. She is so proud of knowing that fact, sharing it with everyone. She doesn't understand that my dd bmom son is a half brother to her. She only knows her little brother. I'm nervous that he might slip and say something to her, out of his excitement. He is so happy to have a sister! I'm worried I might say or do something wrong. I'm worried my dh might say something. Where o' where are those antacids? I keep telling myself, we ALWAYS have a good time when we get together. Relax.... go with the flow, it will be okay. I know it, but I just can't seem to get my nerves to understand it :o . Wish us luck!!!! :) Bye...

Try not to worry too much about birthbrother slipping up. A few years ago, my three nephews met my birthdaughter. The two older boys understood that my birthdaughter is there biological cousin and were super excited about meeting her. The one was so excited that he referred to her the entire time as "cousin" and "little cousin" (said with a really sweet 7 year old deep south accent...in Minnesota) My birthdaughter just looked at him like he was a little nuts, but then went with it. By the end of the visit, they were pretending to be king and queen of the Children's Museum and they were calling each other "sweetie" as in "Sweetie, someone is sitting in my throne..." Even though my nephew was talking about them being cousins, my birthdaughter just didn't seem to care or notice or worry about it. He was just another cool kid to play with. My birthdaughter was about 4 years old when this happened. I hope your party is fantastic. Try to take the time to enjoy yourself. Something that might help is having a backup activity for the kids to do that the grownups can watch...that might take some of the pressure off...Good luck and have fun.

Why I want to do an open adoption: 1. The birth mom is my first cousin, and it would be impossible and unethical for me to keep a secret from our child who she is, considering we will see her on family get-togethers. My family is close. 2. I feel all children have the right to know at least who was the woman who carried him/her in her womb, and who his/her biological father is and have a reference point for:a. Who do I look like?b. What was it like when my biological mother carried me in her womb?c. Where do i get my personality traits/physical features from? is my personality from my adopted family or do i have personality traits that are similar to my biological family?d. What was on my birth certificate?e. Do certain allergies or genetic traits run in the biological family?f. If the adopted child grows up and gets pregnant, or has a partner who is pregnant, the adopted child can at least contact his/her birth mom and/or birth dad and ask her questions about family traits, health issues.3. The birth mom chose us to adopt her child and is supportive of the open adoption option that we want to have with her, and feels strongly that we are the parents she wants to raise this child, and that she wants to give the child to us to raise in an open adoption.4. We determined that it is not dangerous to the child's wellbeing, health or safety to know who the birth mom is...birth mom is not on drugs, is not abusive to children, does not have a mental illness that makes her dangerous to others.Hope this helps shed light on why I am choosing an open adoption...this is just my own views and experiences.... it may be different for someone else. Sincerely,AdrienneG

I knew dd's bmom was a special person when she told me that the circumstances which led to her placing dd in our arms was not the fault of dd or dd's older brother. Bmom said that the children deserved to have a foundation for a relationship as adults if they so chose. I couldn't agree more! I have read so much about reunions that didn't go well or left more emptiness than was there to start. I don't want this for my daughter. The second reason we have a very open adoption is that what a child knows in her life is what is "normal." We have a chance to allow dd to know about herself from bfamily and afamily perspective. If she has questions, she can just ask. No stigma or secrets on the part of the families and plenty of opportunities for answers. The third, and certainly not the least, reason is that a person, especially a child, can never have too much love. I have had other amoms tell me they could never "share" their adoptive child. They could never be friends with or allow the bmom in their life. I understand this only as fear of rejection by the child. (Of course, this is different in foster cases where the child is removed from a home and not placed by the bmom.) My dd has 10 grandmothers. And every one loves her dearly. We all know how special grandmother love is! We have a legal document that allows us to change the terms by consent of both parties. Failure to compy will NOT endanger the adoption. The adoption is final! We could theoretically be taken to mediation at our cost if we fail to comply. If we can't agree on something that we, as her parents, feel is not in her best interests, we can seek mediation. However, I can't imagine that will happen as the bfamily lives about 5 hours away. We send good quality pictures six times a year and must make her available for visitation four times a year for the first two years. After this, pictures 4 times and visits 2 times until 18. We must allow her to receive letters and gifts. We do not have to pay for travel or rearrange our plans to accommodate the bfamily. We do not have to leave her with them in our absence. But because we really support the openess, we have made sure that we have met or exceeded the agreement. We email and visit with grandparents as well. The children are 2 and 3 now. Although it is taking some time, they have really started "getting into each other." I don't know if I would call it bonding, yet. My dd asks about her sib for a few days after visits and knows exactly to whom I am referring if I bring up his name. I believe we are laying that foundation. Just our story. Hope it added to your understanding. Carrol