Touched by an angel....

[font=Times New Roman] I am the auntie, or was? to a very very special and beautiful little girl. Call it prejudice, but, to me, the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. She had and still does, a magnetizing spirit about her that EVERYONE loves. When she smiles, she lights up your world, and truly does brighten up your day. :) She was the type of baby, child, that would smile at everyone with that flashing smile, and beautiful big brown eyes with long curly lashes. Has beautiful curly little locks, and she was captivating. To all her knew her as long as they did, and us, her family aways, she was the type of child that was just so different and rare, and others noticed it, and would tell us the samething. Our little angel, now flown out or our arhces.[/font][font=Times New Roman]Oh how we miss her, how I, miss her.:( [/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=Fixedsys]A little family background[/font][font=Times New Roman]My sister struggled very much, and always has. She was a single mother, living on very little. My sister and I came from a family of five, but the two of us were raised with my mother, when my parents divorced. So, we were always used to looking out for eachother, but we all struggled and were, well, poor too. My mother lived and still does, in a senior citizen apartment, not a nursing home, just a senior citizen, non-assisted, apartment. Obviously, only older people only. My father, due to unwise choices later on in his life after the divorce, when he was about my mother's age, became homeless. He is now in a nursing home. Only 64. I was married, and still am, but at the time, having alot of marital problems, seperated for a long while, almost divorced, now, by the grace og God, we are back together. My other siblings, well, not very close. No bitterness between us all, but we don't exactly know each other all that well, because we only grew up a little together here and there, them, back and forth between my mom and dad, my sister and I had always lived with my mother. We keep in touch here and there, but not enough to really and truly call us all a "family." And that I guess, would be that for all of us. This will lay a foundation for my story.[/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=Fixedsys] The decision[/font][font=Times New Roman]My sister was struggling very much, as I had said above. About to lose everything. Everything you could think of going wrong in your life, well, it was. Getting to the point, that she did not know if her car was gonna run, her job was gonna lay her off, it was all falling apart. [/font][font=Times New Roman] At one point, I had taken her daughter in for a year, due to a cituation in which she dedperately needed my help, and I stepped up to the plate. But her daughter was young, 5 mos. old, and we formed the mother daughter relationdhip my sister nevery really fully got to develope. She had gone back home to mommy after a year, but again, still atruggling, everything seemed to be going downhill very fast. My sister after a dew months was contempating adoption because it seemed the only way her daughter could truly be cared for. She didn't know what to do, and by this time, my marriage was crumbling, my husband had left, and now I too struggle alot. Who doesn't? But I know I could never raise her on my own and give her a good, or average life. Coming from a church we attended alot, she had talked with her pastor and he had helped her to make this decision. He had found a couple that was looking to adopt, from another church of like faith, and we all had met, and then began visits regulary. We of course, had met others, but God had sent us this couple, we just knew. [/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=Fixedsys]Preparing to say goodbye[/font][font=Times New Roman]She was 22 mos. old when she left my world, and how could I forget? She was very very much apart of me, and I knew this was going to tear my heart in shreds, and I would never ever again be the same. I miss her terribly, and although it's been a while now, I still cry so very hard at times. My heart always feels empty. And, I'm just the aunt! I can only imagine what my sister feels. Sometimes people have told me that I don't deserve to be a mother if I should become one, they just don't know. They just don't know! what was going on in my life and the lives of my other family, that we could not just step in and rescue this situation, if you will. [/font][font=Times New Roman] Two nights before the adopton, my sister had spent the night at my apartment, and my niece slept with me. Until she fell asleep, I prayed a prayer over her, stroking her hair, and looking into her eyes. I said, "please don't hate us. We do love you. Your mother, loves you. But love alone can't raise you. Your new family will be able to give you the life we could never give you, but please know, even with as much as they love you now, along with this life, it will never measure up to how much we love you. I, love you. Please forgive us. Please, God somehow let this prayer burn in her heart as a memory of something once said to her, cannot remember now, but somehow feels she need to know. Please little one, know that you were never unwanted, cause you were. more than you'll ever know." And you know, she stared back at me, although she did not know what I was saying, it was if she was listening somehow. The tears, just fell.[/font][font=Fixedsys] Goodbye[/font][font=Times New Roman]The day came, and I'll never forget. Once it ws over, our cries as a family could be heard throughout the place. Then, after an hour or so, she was gone. Gone.[/font][font=Times New Roman] They've been in touch trhough the case worker from time to time, and have sent lots of pictures with lots of loving letters, and oh, her name is still the same when she left. I have a lot of pictures of her from when she was here, and some my sister has allowed me to make copies of, when they were sent from her parents. I even sent a keepsake box with lots of picutures in it, decorated it real nice, us, the family dedicated a song to her that we sent with her, along with some other personal meaning things. I can only hope one day she will understand.[/font][font=Fixedsys] The questions in my heart[/font][font=Times New Roman]She will be told at a young age, she is adopted, and introduced to that kind of environment, so that telling her may be a little easier. I sometimes wonder though, if when she sees our pictures, she'll think to herself, "hah! You LOVED me?! WHY then, did you give me away? Alot of people struggle, they don't just give up!" I sometimes wonder if she'll hate us. Then I feel bad for feeling these things, 'cause after all, she will be entitled to whatever goes through her mind and in her heart, and how she will cope with it. But I can't help but wonder. I hope, that she'll see from the pictures, we tried, we loved her, but we couldn't. Is that wrong?[/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=Fixedsys]For now[/font][font=Times New Roman]For now, I try to remember her as she was with us, and I am making a scrapbook of all the memories I have of her. And, I pray. I pray maybe, maybe one day, if she should decide to want to find her birthmother, maybe, I can meet her next.[/font][font=Times New Roman][/font]