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as an adoptee I would like to honestly share with you what I hope will be helpful information:
first: always be honest with your child about being adoption and try really hard not to say or imply in any way that their birth parents were "less than" simply because they chose not to parent. This isn't as a benefit to the bparents but a benefit to the childs self esteem.
second: know that if you have been a loving parent that your childs need to know where he/she comes from doesn't reflect on your parenting skills nor their love for you, if anything it means that they have been raised to be strong and have a desire to plunge healthily into their future by coming to terms with their past.
third: know that if you are encouraging and helpful with their need to search that their love and connection to you will only grow.
fourth: Try and remember that your child comes with an entirely different DNA and inheirant characteristics. Encourage these instead of trying to turn him/her into your image, they will be much happier if allowed to be who they were born to be instead of forced to be the child you never gave birth to.
fifth: if you have a chance to, please save any information, pictures, etc. on them and/or their birthfamily and bring it out when the child asks for this information.
sixth: Honestly love this child. Treat them as if they were born to you and never stop.
This website is filled with people who, if they had had parents who followed these simple steps, wouldn't be here feeling insecure and wounded.
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Thank you so much for you thoughts and ideas. I'm in the process of adopting through foster care as a single woman. I'm trying to read everything I can and find out how to be the best parent I can to my children. I just found this thread and can't wait to hear more information from adoptees as they are probably going to be a big help for me and my children (when I adopt)!
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Thank you!!! Thank you!!!
That is wonderful information. My husband and I are looking to adopt - hoping our little one finds us soon, and our adoption attorney and state social worker can offer information as far as how to let your child know that he/she is adopted - but I find your suggestions much more valuable!
My husband and I have agreed that our child will know that he/she is adopted - and - their Birthmom chose us to be his parents ..... We also plan on meeting our Birthmom, getting to know her (of course, as much as she is comfortable with) and hopefully having some pictures of her, as well as keeping in touch (again, what ever she is comfortable with) so that when our child is old enough to start asking questions - we will have the answers .... :)
Again, thank you soooo much!
Jackie
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Hi Jojobear,From what I've read, and I will admit I have no parenting exp or skills yet, but I like what I've read, that as parents, our job is to give our children the information they need. All information. The hard part, is presenting it at age appropriate times and without judgement, and to guide our children while they are dealing with difficult knowledge. Hope this helps. :-)
ANNELIZLY
I sincerely hope ALL adoptive parents and those considering adoption will read your post. Parenting is THE most important job of all.
While I don't believe your insights are a definate 'cure-all' I DO believe they will greatly alleviate problems adopted children encounter. I think it is a combination of nuture as well as nature which produces a totally secure adoptee.
Speaking as a birthmother of a 20yr old (closed adoption) had my birthdaughter shown abandonment issues and insecurities then my pain and heartbreak would have all been for nothing. That would have completely devastated me...completely. Her parents, obviously followed many of your insights, and provided her w/ the tools with which to become a secure, confident young lady..tools in which to become a healthy, happy adult.
PLEASE let your voice be heard more on the forums. We all have alot to learn from your views as an adoptee!!
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I enjoyed reading your post. I am an adoptive mom to 2 wonderful children. They will always know about their birthfamilies. Even though my kids are young, we talk about their birthfamilies all the time. I will always let them be who they want to be and not mold them. I take being a parent to my kids very serious. I hope to do the best job I can as their mom. :)
Thank you for your post!! I have a 1 year old adopted DD from the foster care system that I love more than anything on this planet. Even when she was 2 months old I have told her that she was carried in her **'s tummy (I call her by name) but that she was born for us. I always tell her how she was so smart to find us and how this was God's plan for us all. I have saved everything from her birth records (some of it is painful to read and it kills me that she will someday read this information) and I will be 100% supportive of her if she ever decides to seek out her **. We are actually hiring a PI to get photo's of her ** and also hoping to connect with her maternal GM to see if we could also get pictures of her ** and siblings. I hope that when she grows into a woman she will understand how very much she was wanted and how much we love and cherish her.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts!
I hope that you won't mind a bmom adding her comments to adoptive parents here?I would just like aparents to know that if & when your child does want to search for their bmom, please rest assured that most bmoms have absolutely no intention of ever coming between you and your son/daughter through adoption. Like you, we only want the child we lost to adoption to be happy and fulfilled in their lives - even if that means that they never contact us.Many bmoms from the 1960s-1980s were forced into relinquishing their children into closed adoptions and have lived with unresolved grief and the anguish of never knowing if our children really did have the "better life" that we were told they would. Please know that we are NOT angry with you, but thank you for giving our children all the love and care that we too would have wished to give them. Indeed, many of would also like to meet with you to set our hearts & minds at rest by kknowing you and hearing the story of how our child grew up, their childhood & teens and, if possible, to see photos to fill in the terrible void of all those missing years. Please be as honest as you can with the children who are yours but also ours. We are both mothers and we both love the same child. If you can find it in your hearts to show compassion and help your child to search (if necessary and if the occasion arises), then rest assured (a) THEY will love you more because of it and (b) we (bmoms) will not be trying to take your child away but only want to share a little of what you have been so lucky to have for so many years.Openness and honesty all round at all times really needs to be the motto for the adoption triad.