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First off, let me say that I am lucky to have found this forum. For the past 14 years (almost to the day!) I have truly believed that my experience with an "open" adoption was a rarity, and that most other bmothers didn't go through the deep depression, massive sense of regret or the bitter sting of betrayal that I've experienced. It has been very validating to know that I am not alone, although after reading so many posts, I wish it was only me who had gone through it. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.My daughter is about to turn 14 in a few days. I have been thinking more lately about the possibility that she might want to meet me someday when she is old enough to request a reunion. It makes me very happy to think that there's even a possibility that I will see her again someday. It occurs to me that I need to prepare myself for this.Of the women here who have experienced betrayal and anger toward the a-parents and who have had a reunion with their children, how have you dealt with this? Are you honest with your child? Do you lie to cover the a-parents so that your child isn't dragged into an icky mess? The quandry that I face is this:Do I bury my feelings and keep them hidden so that my daughter will never know the truth about her adoption?Do I tell her the truth? I am conflicted. One the one hand, I don't want to hurt my daughter by subjecting her to this. On the other hand, how can my daughter ever truly KNOW me if I tell her a story that isn't true? I just read a post from an adoptee who is having to distance herself from her b-mother because she is angry and won't stop dwelling on it. This is driving the child away, something I want to avoid. (If I am ever lucky enough to be in this position!). In your opinion, what is a good way to handle this situation?Adri
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Adri...
wow..you remind me of me. I found internet adoption boards when my son was 14. I spent the next four years readin, writing and fiquring it all out for the same reason...to be prepared for the eventual reunion wich I had in my mind to be at the age of 18. I call it my degree in reunions and adoption..four years of daily readind and research.
Now, with the blessed 18th birthday just days away ( you sound close..we're Nov 14th), I am so very glad that that I had the forsight to prepare myself. I ended up "finding" my son over a year ago and we have been in direct contact since April. In fact, I just returned form the post office where I mailed off his first real presnet from my in 18 years.
To answer your question..there is no real answer. It will depend allot on how she feels aout things, what it seems like she can handle, when it does happen and how her relationship is with her parents. We like to say that the truth will set you free, but if the truth is too much for her and it pushes her away or et her angry , then it doesn't work for your ultimate goal if your goal is to have a relationship with her.
I have known moms who expresses the pain ( even gently) of losing their children and the children have retreated. I have known adoptees who have quested with a great hunger for the truth. I have known many who can see the truth and make their own decisions about it all.
There is a fine line between being true to yourself and getting to a good place. There is alot of information out there to guide you and many stories that will give you insight. Just start reading. You will see it being played out in every different way between all kinds of different folks. Listen to the adoptees, hear what worked and didn't for the other moms....eventually you can only prepare yourself so that you know the possiblities, are aware of the pitfalls, and see the signals.
You can do it..you have the time and the insight to know that you need to do it.
Good luck.
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