Please help - what r my rights?

Correct me if I am wrong but families (i.e, brothers, sisters, grandnparents and such, unless it is in a case where the child is taken by the state) do not have rights do they? Like if my mother was against my adoption she could not "take" my bdaughter? From what the orignal poster wrote it sounds as if the father is not able to parent but will simpy hand this child off to his mother. Wouldn't this make the stitution different? Maybe I misread or misunderstood.

Yes thank you, that is exactly the case. And basically, it's the WHOLE issue here.

Now that has been straightened out, if I am not wrong you and the father are the only ones with rights. His mother can not over turn the adoption or force you to parent.

So really, should I ultimately choose adoption and he won't eventually agree to it - I could prove that he won't be able to parent.

BoxerLady is right, that you, and the father, are the only ones with rights. If you have concerns that he may decide to parent, (and essentially allow his mother to raise your baby while he is at work) then I think you may want to contact an attorney. IF you decide to make an adoption plan. (I do not want to assume, there is still plenty of time for you to change your mind). If you do decide to continue with an adoption plan, I would definitely recommend getting legal counsel so that your concerns are addressed and handled legally and completely. Good luck, concerned. I hope you get the outcome that you want.

OK a bit from the legal perspective: BoxerLady is correct - other biological relatives have no legal standing. The decision to parent or place rests on the two of you. Since you and your child's biological father are not married, he is considered in the eyes of the law as a 'putative father'. As a putative father, in most states parental rights are not automatically awarded. Generally, when adoption is chosen by the biological mother, the biological putative father is given the option of either consenting or asserting paternity and contetsting. To contest, he must first prove paternity via DNA. Once paternity is established, he must prove that he can provide a stable home - physically, socially, and emotionally. He cannot go in and say "I don't wish to parent either I want to give the child to my mother" and that will be automatically accepted - because you as the other legal parent do not consent. It doesn't work that way. It's a custody dispute, so the court must evaluate all options and decide what is in the best interests of the child. He must prove that he is ready to parent, not you prove that he is not ready to parent. And the criteria are challenging. These battles can become quite messy - emotionally and financially, and honestly nobody ever really wins, though someone will end up as legal parents. So my best advice echoes others here - get counseling, encourage him to do the same. You may yet be able to come to an agreement that meets everyone's needs without a knock down, drag out fight. Brenda Romanchik has great resources, as mentioned. You may also want to engage a nonbiased third party such as a professional mediator or trusted advisor. Best of luck. And remember there is no one best way, just a best way for you. Regina

"Im sorry, donҒt you mean, women considering placing a child for adoption have no true idea of the potential for long-term affects - on the mother or childӔ?" No, I don't mean "potential" long-term affects - I mean long-term affects. I'm really puzzled as to why you first tell me only to use "I" statements and now you are "correcting" me and telling me what you think I mean. As far as I am concerned there are "consequences" to relinquishing a child for adoption. That is a fact - none of us would be on these forums if adoption had NO affect on us. Again, I did not say "negative" consequences, so theoretically the affects could be bad or good. If I were breaking any rules, making generalizations like "All adoption is bad (or good)," All birth mothers suffer grievously after relinquishment (or all or happy), I would understand why you seem to keeping trying to tell me how to post, but, I'm not. So, I really do not understand why you keep criticizing every post I make because you do not like them. Personally, I am not crazy some of your posts either, but, I think we are all entitled to our opinions. I do not make sweeping generalizations - I am very careful NOT to do that. As for making decisions based on others opinions, I think people should listen to many different opinions and then make their own decisions. But, if people only hear one side or opinion, that limits their ability to make a valid decision. Maybe that's what you mean too, but, the way you phrased your statement, it sounded to me like you thing other people's opinions should be ignored or not listened to. Does anyone else think I have said anything insulting? "I guess, in order to make you understand I could say something along the lines of, ֓Birthmothers are happy with their decision the only reason some appear to be unhappy is because they feel pressures from others forcing them to feel guilt and anger for a decision they made to the best of their ability֔pretty insulting and discounting to your feelings, isnŒt it?" No, that does not help me understand. Seems to be you ARE saying birthmothers are mostly happy with their decisions and you resent my even implying that other outcomes are possible. "Im not saying I feel this way, because I donҒt I am saying I don֒t like it when others tell me how I feel or how I am supposed to feel or attempt (poorly) at trying to speak for an entire group of people while sharing their feelings/experiences as fact." Again, I am very careful not to speak for every birth mother in the world, and I do not attempt to tell others how they should feel. "Poorly"? - Now, you are telling me that you think my "attempts" are "poorly" done? Just as you don't like to be told how to feel - I don't like to be told how to post. Again, if I am breaking any rules, tell me. Otherwise, I think you are unfairly attacking me and I am quite surprised to see a moderator doing so for such a mild post as mine was.

I never indicated you were speaking for me as a birthmother - I am not only a birthmother, I am an adoptee and I am insulted by your generalizations that adoptees are somehow hurt by adoption - because that isn't the case for everyone. I am not saying all birthmothers are happy I am saying not all birthmother are unhappy, I֒m sorry you cant see the difference. I am not attacking you I am defending my role in the triad as a HAPPY birthmother and a WELL ADJUSTED and HAPPY adoptee without any big gaping holes in my heart or loss and yearning for ֓what could have been. Why is it so difficult for some folks to realize and acknowledge that everyoneԒs experiences are different? I am continually amazed at the discounting youve done to the normal adopted person҅and to the birthparents that are happy with the decision they made. And for the record, since you seem to think I am posting my messages to you as a moderator I want to make it clear that I am not. You offended me as a person, not a moderator of this forumօ as a moderator, youre post is fine.

There is a big difference between being "affected by" and "hurt" by adoption. I never said adoptees are all hurt by adoption, though I know that some are. But, I also know many adoptees who are "happy" - but even those - still have some adoption-related issues. Doesn't mean they are not happy or well-adjusted. There is a huge difference! I do think virtually all adoptees and birth mothers are affected by their adoption experiences. Some birth moms may be "happy", but, have big-time adoption-related issues. I have nothing but great compassion and understanding for birth mothers and I do not discount their feelings - whether they are "happy" or "sad". "Being happy with" and "being affected by" are two entirely different issues. You can be happy or unhappy with a decision, but, you will be affected by it no matter what. Plus, you may regret and be unhappy about a decision, but have learned to deal with it and be a "happy" person. If you say you're happy - that's great - more power to you. Glad to hear it.

Yes, I am happy - so please quit trying to tell me that even tho I am happy, I still have issues. Is refusal to see that others might not share your same feelings/experiences one of the "issues" you talk about? I feel like banging my head on the desk...I'm gonna walk away from this topic, I've said all I have to say on it - Please stop making generalizations about people...Adoption IS NOT one size fits all. Im not debating that issues donҒt exist I am debating your generation (that you continue to use) that ALL birthparents/adoptee֒s have issuesIŒve told you that isnt true (because at least ONE birthparent/adoptee doesnҒt have issues related to adoption) quit trying to tell me how I feel, its insulting and rude.

[QUOTE=numbr1dbcksfan]Remember though.. we all have job issues. If you dont want to parent and he does, he seems to be able to prove that he can financially and emotionally provide a sound home-- AND his mom is ready and willing to help when he is out of town. That is not the same as giving her custody. If you dont want to parent and give custody to him, then he can absolutley allow his mother to care for the child while he is out of town... AND that is a sound plan-- it isnt like he would be relying on strangers or anything. QUOTE] That's not the case. His job is 100% travel. He is gone Monday through Friday each week and when he is out of the country he is not even home on weekends. IMO thats just about as absent as you can get. As for living with him, I'm not going to be staying. Currently it works out because he is never here and I have the place totally to myself.

I agree with you - it is pointless for you and I to continue to debate. Fine, you are happy and have no adoption issues. "Is refusal to see that others might not share your same feelings/experiences one of the "issues" you talk about?" Not one of my issues - I freely acknowledge that not everyone has shared the exact same experience. I do admit that I have some adoption issues - that just doesn't happen to be one of them. One of my issues is that I get really annoyed when people sing that "adoption is always wonderful" song, but, hey, you obviously do not care for people saying that adoption even has any consequences so......it's a draw. I have never said adoption is either wonderful or horrible for everyone. You have NO adoption issues as an adoptee and a birthmother. If that's what you feel - I agree you are entitled to feel however you want. I'm done - feel how you want, believe what you want and I will do the same.

Okay...debate's over. Stick a fork in it and let's get back to the topic at hand which is support and advice for the OP. As far as the differences go...keep it respectful please.

Just because this is killing me now, i have to chime in on the Brandy-Southernroots issue. Sorry Crick, but this is a perfect opportunity to make a point. (And saying something is over doesn't make it so. i can't be the only reader who has been impacted.) Anyway, back to my point. Well, not really my point, but my illustration. Here we have two reasonable adults who cannot even (really) agree to disagree on generalizations regarding adoption. They have, of course, waved almost white flags. Obviously, this is emotionally charged, this debate about how people feel. That's the thing with something as important as adoption. So, Concerned, as a member of two sides of this "triad" thing, I offer my caution: know your own heart and don't let anyone tell you different. OK, Crick, I'm done. Now, regarding voluntary or involuntary termination of parental rights, that is a state issue and there are significant differences between the states. I would suggest an attorney in your state who specializes in Juvenile Law. Depending on where you live, the answers you're looking for could be pretty illusive.

Dear Concerned I think as mentioned above you need to seek the advice of a professional, someone who can provide the various choices and options currently available to you. I am also an adoptee and though my own experience is difficult I still have a deep admiration for what adoption is and what it can do for all those involved in it. Yes there are stories or experiences that people will share with you and there are joys and sorrows in each experience. The information and sharing are so diverse that one could easily become confused. My suggestion is to picture yourself and the relationship you wish or need to have with this child. Consider the couple and how you relate to one another should you choose adoption. Also take into consideration your feelings and attitude towards the father of this child, currently you are confused and angry and fearful of his responses and behaviour towards you. However this is the now and again you must consider though you feel the relationship he currently has with this unborn child of his would be detrimental can you honestly know and say what it would be like in the future? None of us knows what the future holds and none of us can predict the outcome of our choices as we travel through the various stages of our lives. We can only hope and pray that in the end those we touch or come into contact with us felt something or received something from us and we too from them. I don't have a relationship with my birthmother even though she is living and I don't have one with my amom because she is past, we can only make the choices we feel are best in the now we can never guide or control the future, but we can demonstrate and act with a thoughtful and kind attitude and hope for the future outcome. Should adoption be your final choice do anything and everything to ensure you have a voice and a part in the child's life now and into the future. Should you decide to parent alone or with the aid of the birth father you must remember your attitudes and feelings toward him are reflected like a beaming light to this child who shares your souls and blood. A child sees and knows much even though we percieve them to not understand and feel or acknowledge our actions or feelings or behaviours. Try to find the counsellor or guidance who follows this concept and can guide you and advice in the now but can also give you the foundation for the future should this child come seeking answers or knowledge from either you or the birth father.