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"Adoption was a ONE TIME event in my life and it is NOT an ongoing process."
I read this on another thread, and it really caught my attention. In one sense, I agree: my adoption doesn't define who I am, and it doesn't mean my parent's love me any less or that I am not a part of my family.
However, I also have trouble with that statement: I'll always be adopted. I will always be curious about my birthmother and my biological family. I will always feel that "something is missing." I don't think I could deny or "pretend" that my adoption didn't matter or that I didn't think about it or struggle with it.
If I were to talk to my parents about my adoption, I would want them to know what it feels like to be an adoptee, because I really don't think they have ANY idea, and I know that it is partly my fault, because I know I could sit down and share my feelings with them if I were ready to do that. (I'm not) I am almost certain that they have no idea what goes through my head or my mind, and I also don't know how THEY feel about my adoption. I do know that they love me unconditionally, and that they feel that being able to adopt me was the biggest blessing they ever recieved. I wonder, though, what else they might think, positive or negative.
I think the biggest thing I will focus on if (and when) I adopt a child of my own is keeping the communication lines open. I want to be able to discuss how we are both feeling about the adoption whenever we want. The dialog between adoptive parents & adoptees is such a crucial thing.
So, that being said, what kind of talks do the adoptive parents on this forum have with their adopted children? Does anyone have any suggestions for me in regards to breaking that barrier and being able to start sharing my adoption feelings with my parents?
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I am an adopted mom of 4 girls. For me open communication is most important. I always kept the door open for them to talk. If they didn't say anything in a long time I will casually bring up the subject. If something was on any one of my girls minds I would like to know. I would like them to feel free to come to me. I want to know when my girls are hurting or have questions. I hope you can do the same with your mom. Give it a try.
Adoptive moms struggle too. We all struggle with emotions. Sometimes I would let my girls know what it feels like to be an adopted mom. Do you know what it feels like? We all need to have compassion and understanding for each other. Communication is important, just as you said. hugs
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As for being able to break the barrier and be able to talk to your parents about your adoption feelings, how about giving your mom an article to read first?
[url]http://e-magazine.adoption.com/articles/58/an-article-of-interest-a-letter-from-one-adoptive-parent-to-other-adoptive-parents.php[/url].
Ask your mom to read it and then maybe you can discuss it after she's read it. It is written by Colleen Buckner, an adoptive mom who helped her daughter search, and it is for other adoptive parents.
I have heard birth moms and adoptive moms say, "Well, if they wanted to know, they'd ask me." But, truthfully, many adoptees do not want to hurt either parent by asking difficult questions, so they don't - even when they really want/need answers.
In the spirit of loving one's child, I think rather than making them ask for certain information, isn't it better to freely provide it? And let them know that they are entitled to it - and that it is normal to want that info? And for adoptive parents to reassure their children that they will not love their children any less if they have normal curiosity about their roots?
My daughter's parents have remained honest and open with their children from day one about their respective adoptions. Talking about it regularly has helped them create a norm in their household that being adopted is okay, normal and perfectly acceptable. Consequently, these kids have no reservation about talking about their adoptions. They know their birthparents (as much as the birthparents are willing to be involved anyway) and their parents haven't closed the door to contact for them. They ask questions and we are all honest with them about where they came from, why they have a different last name, who their family is, etc.
I have an ongoing, personal relationship with my daughter thanks to open adoption- which relieves the adoptive parents of many of the questions that could crop up in later years (like "what does she look like, why did she place me, where is my birthfather" etc). I am there to have a relationship with her and her parents as part of the family- and it is awesome!
I would reccomend being honest with your kids. They are surprisingly understanding...and the fact is it will only get harder the longer you wait. I have a family member that has kept the secret from her daughter for 18 years because she planned to wait until she was 6 before telling her. Be honest, be brave and tell your kids- they won't love you any less and your bond will be strengthened by communication, sharing yourselves with eachother and trust! Good luck!