Boy Wanting to Dress As Girl

Sarah, This situation is familiar to me. I for one have gone through this ordeal myself. Others can tell you quite a bit about being "Different". There are a few things that come to mind, as I myself have tried to understand my situation and have dealt with it for a really long time. If I had to guess, I would think that part of this is hormones and possably feeling a little insecure with the hormone battle. I would highly suggest professional counseling to assist reaching some sort of answer to this. What concerns me about this is what could potentially happen within your household if this goes untreated. Somebody mentioned an Identity Disorder, and this could be the case. With the complex nature of the "issues" that society faces, I cannot say one way or another what this is. I can only state what I know, and that would be that in normal Gender Identity Disorder cases, the motivation to wear clothing is strong. In many of the cases, an event or person assists in triggering the disorder. Again, I have fought this for quite a while, and if it is a case of Gender Identity Disorder, while there is no cure, the steps to a resolution are best dealt with at a fairly young age. Good luck to you, Dan.

Yes, that is it. He's hitting puberty, starting to notice girls, and starting to ask questions. Our society has a division of labor in which men posess and consume beauty, and women provide beauty --- this goes back to the Industrial Revolution. The type of consumption promoted for men leads to a lot abuse of women. I seem to be unusual among men in that I have a strong desire to incarnate anything I admire --- to DO it or BE it, not just to sit on the sidelines and enjoy others doing it. I'm an engineer, a theatrical performer, not a manager or a patron. Your son may wish to embody what he admires. Such men generally treat women a lot better than average. There is so much denigration of women in our society, and it really disgusts me. Of course, even if this is what your son wants, he may not realize it yet. I spent many years thinking I wanted to dress as a girl, because in my psyche, the option of a beautiful man simply didn't exist: "beautiful=girl". I know others like myself as well. The problem was that when I actually dressed up like a girl, what I saw in the mirror freaked me out, I was simply not comfortable with that image because it was not me. So I was uncomfortable with myself however I dressed, not a good situation. I dealt with it for a long time by dressing so sloppy and ugly and cultivating an inner sense of beauty. I have read accounts from others like myself as well. One guy I know has described his time as a crossdresser in very negative terms, and he was fully into the "scene", going out "en femme", trying to "pass" as a woman, etc.; once he realized how wrong that was for him, he just became a guy who likes to wear skirts and life became a lot easier. Actually, I've heard this story more than once. I think it's very important for your son to understand these options at this point. Being transgender exacts a heavy toll on people, including infertility and difficulty forming "normal" spousal relationships. Cross-dressing as a lifestyle also exacts a heavy toll. Many men invest years of emotional energy into developing a femme personna, and end up going down these paths that really may not be right for them. On the other hand, skirts and kilts on men (who are acting like men) aren't that difficult to deal with. Most friends and acquaintences ignore it after a brief notice, if you act normal, like yourself. Cross-dressing and transgender make people uncomfortable in ways that men's skirts do not. Skirts can also be positive "chick magnets". Not for all women, but some women really are attracted to it and think it's kind of sexy and refreshing to see a guy willing to put himself on the line like that. On the other hand, I know guys who tried the "beautiful man" thing and later decided on a sex change anyway. I really have a hard time understanding this and have watched them live very difficult lives, but it's a choice they made. I must admit that gender changes (and I've seen them go both ways) make me uncomfortable, although I try to use peoples' preferred pronouns (he vs she). If it turns out your son really wants to transition gender, I still wouldn't allow it until he's an adult, I don't care how incomplete the "transformation" would be by that time. ------------------- A few other things: 1. "Sissy boy" is a semi-technical term for a specific pattern. Generally, it's boys who think and act like a girl from a very young age (5 or 6). Sissy boys almost invariably end up gay. I don't think any of this applies to your son. 2. Most "normal crossdressers" start doing it around puberty. Most crossdressers have a male identity and no desire for a sex change; in fact, crossdressers tend to come from social settings with very conservative mores and heavy expectations on them as "MEN". But as I've said before, I think that many cross-dressers would (or at least would have, at the age of 12) rather choose to just be guys who get to wear beautiful clothing when they wish --- this is not so acceptable in many conservative circles, but less of a big deal in more "liberal" or "artsy" social settings. So for the conservative beautiful man, crossdressing is the only outlet. ------------------- You might wish to come over and visit "Tom's Cafe", a web site dedicated to skirts and kilts and other such garments for men. You will be able to get many other adult perspectives as well (and NO trashy talk or indecent pictures, this is a "clean" discussion forum): [url]http://www.tomscafe.org[/url] I think you'll find that we're "100% guy", the Cafe is full of hard-rockin', gun-totin' guys who like cars and other "guy toys" and have adoring wives.

Thank you ALL for your carefully considered thoughts and observations.I find it very useful to have in my mind some ideas for what sort of things Colin MIGHT be going through, but I don't have any intention of pigeonholing him yet. Nor do I plan to rush him in into any form of therapy, unless Colin seems disturbed by his feelings. My current plan is to try to encourage him to talk to me about it, and to encourage him to experiment with non-traditional clothing IF HE WANTS to. That is, I am not going to encourage him to wear anything in particular, but encourage him to be himself, whatever that turns out to be. If he wants to wear a skirt around the house, then I'll make him feel comfortable. If it turns out to be passing curiousity, then no harm done. If he wants to become a 'beautiful boy', then that is his choice -- I'll just have to work out to do that guide him with what works and his interaction with others. If he turns out to be transgendered, then I am sure things are going to be a lot harder, but we'll just have to work through it. Either way, I think he needs time to experiment, and learn about himself. There is no rush to make decisions. Hopefully I will have opportunity to broach the topic with him this weekend, but I am not going to force the situation. Sarah

I'm just wondering why you think he wants to wear girls clothes? Could it just be a sexual thing and he's just finding out about girl's things? It might be relatively innocent nothing more... Hard to tell from your statement.

I've had a couple of instances where Jane's clothes have moved, mysteriously, after laundry. Same general location, but slightly different arrangement than I left them. I thought I was going mad. Recently I think I surprised Colin by arriving unexpectedly, and he rushed into the toilet and stayed their for a while. I didn't think much of it, then realised that one of Jane's skirts was missing from the laundry pile, but returned after Colin eventually came out of the toilet. It was obvious he had it. I am assuming he was trying it on, but I don't think that is too unrealistic. After that event, some of the previous events started to make sense. Sarah

Well the reason I thought it might be for the purposes of sexual arousal is that I knew a boy at school around his age who used his sister's clothes for this purpose. He used to joke about it at our all boys school. I may have phrased it badly but I was trying to get at whether he was wanting to wear her clothes because he has some gender issues or whether he was just using them as an arousal aid e.g. as pornography is used. I'm thinking that sexual arousal might have been a reason why he rushed into the toilet.... I'm not for a minute saying this is why your son is doing this but I was just offering it as a possibility that you might not have considered. Of course it may actually be for other reasons about gender identity but I'm not a professional in this field. I think you're right in a "softly softly" approach though as whatever the reasons you do need to maintain your obviously sensitive approach to this issue.

He rushed to he bathroom because it afforded him some locked privacy unavailable anywhere else in the house. Don't confuse a desire for sexual arousal with discomfort. Erections can happen for both reasons.

It really sounds like you are taking a healthy approach to this. :cheer: You are absolutely correct that at this stage it is difficult at best to determine why Colin is doing this or what he gets out of it. I don't know if this will be of help to you or not but when I was around his age I first started feeling the need to wear dresses & feel pretty as has been mentioned earlier by other posters., Sociatal pressures at the time caused me to repress these things to the point that I couldn't even accept any of it to the point that I didn't put it together that I was transgendered until I was in my late 40's. Colin is lucky to have a Mom who is so supportive, understanding, & accepting. Your plan of giving him a safe envornment where hecan let his own self bloom is best no matter if it is a passing curiosity or if he is in fact transgendered. Once again, Good for you!

Hi All, Thank you for your supportive comments!I used the opportunity of some time alone with my son at the weekend to talk to him. I told him that I knew he had been wearing Jane's clothes, and that was ok. Of course I did not KNOW this for certain (but was farily confident), but decided to risk being forward to ensure he would not try to deny it. He did not deny it, but was quite embarrassed about it. I gave him a BIG hug. I further risked saying that I would like to see him wearing a skirt, and would he do that for me. He was bashful about doing it, but was not mortified by the idea. If he had been really reluctant I'd not have pushed him, but I wanted to push him just enough to get over his embarrassment. I fetched the skirt I knew he'd tried, and he put it on. I gave him a hug and said he looked great. I let him wear it for 5 mins or so to get comfortable with wearing it in front of me, then asked him if he wanted to try some of Jane's other clothes ... telling him that I thought it might be fun. He said 'yes' in an embarrassed way, which I took to mean that he wanted to, but was embarrassed to admit it. So for the next 30 mins he tried on various skirts, and dresses, and Jane's school uniform, and sports kit (skirt/top). He got more and more comfortable wearing this stuff in front of me, and was clearly really enjoying playing dress up. Eventually I asked him if he wanted to try some of Jane's underwear. He did. I told him that it was not a good idea to share underwear, but that I had a pack of new underwear for Jane that he could have. So he tried panties, bra, and pantyhose, underneath a party dress. I suggest he put some socks in the bra, and he readily did so. I said he could wear whatever he liked for the rest of the evening, or change back into his normal clothes. Initially he opted for wearing Jane's school uniform (skirt, blouse, bra, panties, with the non standard pantyhose), but asked if he could change back into a dress after 30 mins. He wore that dress for the next couple of hours. During dinner, and as we watched TV together in the evening. I did ask him what he thought his friends would think. He said they'd think he was a weirdo, and did not want them to know. I agreed that some people might think it was odd what he was doing, but it was fine for him to wear skirts and dresses at home with me. I noticed Colin was so much happier this weekend after that. He seemed to be on cloud 9. He really enjoyed playing dress up. To be honest I had fun too! I did not push him to explain WHY he wanted to do it. I just let him be himself. 'Whys' can come later. I don't intend to encourage him in anyway again, but just tell him it is ok to wear Jane's skirts/dresses in future (but with his own bra/panties that I have bought for him). Strangely he was quite pleased to have his 'own' bra/panties, rather than be Jane's clothes. Not sure what to make of that. Sarah

If only we could all have parents that are willing to accept us for who we are. Your children are very lucky to have a parent willing to look for advice and step out of their comfort zone to provide a safe place for a child to experiment with who they are and know they are loved regardless of what they find out. So many children grow up to be ashamed of what they feel or who they are, you are allowing this child to discover and develop himself and feel good about it.Rachel

Some extra thoughts:-My thought process on the psychological aspect of this, is that it is much better to bring out repressed feelings. Apart from a little push to encourage Colin to get over his embarrassment, I don't intend to 'force' Colin to dress as a girl, but provide a safe, confidential and understanding environment if he wants to experiment. I can't see that is going to do him any harm. If I ignored this, and let him repress his feelings, then I can imagine that doing him harm long term. Sarah

One thing that is obvious to me is that Colin will be hesitant to ask for some things he might want to try. I am pretty confident that if I just asked him straight up 'would you like to wear a dress' that he'd probably say 'no!' instinctively. So I had to encourage him a little in order to help him get over his reluctance. I am concerned, however, I don't really know how he might be seeing things exactly, and there might be things he wants to experiment with that I have not even vaguely considered. Things that would be fine for him to try, but he is just too embarrassed to tell me about. I am wondering about makeup, shoes, and nail polish. But what about, say, wearing ladies coats, and hats. I just does not occur to me what sort of things he might find important to try. Perhaps he'll tell me, or perhaps he'll be too embarrassed. I notice that there are a few people who have replied that have had similar feelings as children. If you have any ideas of things I might want to consider, then please feel free to drop me an email at sarahjanefoster (at) gmail.com(I replaced the @ sign to avoid spam, just replace the (at) with @, and remove the spaces, to email me). Sarah.

Sarah,I have an 8 year old boy who we have caught with my daughters clothes under his clothes when he leaves for school. He has also taken some of her clothes to school and the teacher has told about this. I would love to know how to handle this. When I have asked him why he wears her stuff he just says that girls have pretty things to wear. I don't know whether to punish him when he does this or like you said let it go and don't make a big deal out of it. What do you do? Thanks,Kelly

Hey Kelly,I would strongly encourage you NOT to punish your son purely because he wants to wear girls clothes. He has feelings that are making him need to do this. Punishing him will not make those feelings go away, but it might make him pull away from you. I don't know how your son, or my son, will eventually turn out. But I do feel it is best not to force our sons to repress their feelings. Best to be open and understanding, and help them find their own way. It is, of course, OK to set limits on what clothes he can borrow (as distinct to what clothes he can wear in general). I told Colin that he could not wear his sisters underwear, but that it was ok for him to wear girls underwear (and bought him some). I would, for instance, punish my son if I found him wearing his sisters underwear, having set that rule. I not encouraged my son to wear girls clothing any more than just getting over his embarrassment. I have discussed some of the downsides, as I see them - for instance what people might say if they found out. He seems to understand that anyway. Hope this helps!Sarah

[font=Verdana]I had had this kind of support when I was younger and as I got older. I am now 36 and have only recently let my mother know that it REALLY hurts when she would make snide remarks about the clothes that I wear. I think she finally get's it because she hasn't said anything about it since then. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Since I was 4 or 5 I have like wearing girls clothing. I have always been envious of the pretty things that girls get to wear. From their pretty underwear (Bras and Panties) to the skirts and dresses. I am still quite confused as whether or not I want to be a "beautiful" man or have SRS. However, I would like have children some day. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]My mother sent me to see a therapist when she found me in a pink leotard, but her insurance ran out and I was stuck with having with out anyone to talk to about it again. Neither her or my father(passed away in 1993) have ever really accepted it. Instead of allowing me to explore and examine it in a loving way, as you are doing with Colin. I felt that I needed to hide it and be ashamed of it. So much so that I had a niece about my age that stayed with me and instead of my parents laying down reasonable ground rules as you did. I ended up stealing a bra of hers and a couple skirts. Which increased my anxiety. Up until the above mentioned confrontation, my mother would also ask me if I was gay. I am not gay at all, I love women. I love there beauty and almost everything about them. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]A few years later, I told girlfriend that I liked wearing girls clothing. She totally freaked and she broke up with me. We sorta worked through it, but was never the same. We eventually grew apart as friends and now we dont talk at all. (the story is a lot more involved then that but not really in context.)[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana] So basically what I am saying here is that I APPLAUD you in your handling of such a sensitive matter. I think things would be a lot different for me if I had gotten the support that you are showing Colin. I wouldnҒt have spent the last 20 years wondering, guessing and reeling from the rejection from the girl I loved. I may not have spent thousands of dollars on lingerie and in general being miserable. [/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]So THANK YOU for sharing your story. Its helped me and I really enjoyed BobberҒs comments and they gave a lot of food for thought.[/font][font=Verdana] [/font][font=Verdana]Don[/font]