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I was wondering everyone's opinion on what types of relationships the birthfamily should have after adoption when the children were removed from the home.
My husband and I are in the process of being foster parents. We know that the goal is always reunification and will work with that to the best of our abiliities. However, we do know that it may happen we might adopt from the foster care world. Again just like any adoption the reasons why are varied. Some cases are severe abuse and others are the parents just don't have the resources. I know often with adoptions through the foster care system are closed (not always, but often). Should that be the case, I would still want my children to know as much about their bfamily as possible. We are hoping to adopt a sibling group with older children. How much of the past and why they were removed do we share? How honest should you be? Just thinking ahead and preparing for the future...thanks!
Shannon
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I've adopted 4 children from the foster care system. Vera Falberg has written many wonderful books relating to this topic. I think you should always be honest with your child and tel them about their past within the framework of their age. Then give them more information as time goes on. We try to be open and honest about their birthfamilies. You will get more information about the family as foster parents than as the adoptive family, so write down any pertinent information that you may want to tell the kids.
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Often times the CW will have more insight onto the case and can offer ideas on what types of arrangements could or should be made. We have NO contact with Bugs parents. Mostly due to incarceration, homelessness, and mental stability. We have an open arrangement with Bears mother, but there is just as much responsibility on her part to maintain it. I am sure it will be something that eventually falls to the wayside on her part. Again, I have a friend where they were told to change the childs name and SSN to protect her from the birth mother. Each case is different, and it is a good thing to make sure you have all the pieces of the puzzle before you agree to anything.
We have three children adopted from foster care and do not keep in contact with any of the family. As foster parents, we were willing to work for reunification, etc. However, as time went on, the dysfunctionalism of the family began to have a negative effect on the children. Sporadic contact is not healthy for children struggling to understand why their "real family doesn't love" them anymore. These are hard issues to talk the children through. Finally, based on social worker and therapist opinion, we asked the family to stop calling (aunts, grandmothers, sister, and family friend). They said they would and then began calling weekly, leaving tales of woe on the answering machine. That was a real mess. Our phone number changed after that. As for being honest, I think you have to be. The children remember what happened to them, even if it is only very short scattered memories. Helping them weave those together in a truthful way is healthy. There will be anger, sadness, laughter, etc, all very valid emotions that you have to help them process. By the way, they don't process these emotions one time and then let go. These feelings are constantly revisited until the child's need to relive those moments diminishes. Trying to "keep them safe" by telling small safe lies only helps the hurt build.