Today was my first time

thank you everyone for all your nice kind words. i am really thankful for this website. i can finally talk openly about how i feel. also my fiance is very supportive and i am finally healing.

also southernroots i would love for you to suggest some books for me to read.thank you

My dear sweet person. I don`t know you but I feel your pain. I had my child taken away from me because I was 16 when she was born. I did not have a family that supported me and they alone made the decision to take her away. I want you to know that not one day of my life has passed that she has not been in my heart and thoughts. I long for her touch so much and pray I will see her in this life. So my dear please look for your birthparents because they may feel the same way. But if not then you will have the strength to go on with your life and know that at least you tried. :) For now,if I may,I want you to imagine that I am reaching for you and giving that hurting child deep inside of you a mighty hug! :) Bless you child and good luck.

Mahealani206. I pm'd some book suggestions to you - let me know if you don't get them.

I'm trying to find out what are the main reasons behind someone placing their child for adoption. I can get this sense that there are situations when children are placed without their parents wish. What's going to happen when the child and the birth parents reunite? Don't they bring issues to the adoptive parents and their family?

Hey there, I thought I'd add in to the welcome wagon. And to add that I agree..I think its normal and natural to desire to search. Plus, I am always rooting for the idea that your mom will be so very happy to be found. I know not all are, but as a mom...I couldn't imagine not being thrilled. Hmmm..AdoptionJoy. You spider sense is quite correct. There are many many mothers who had no desire to place their children. From WWII until the late 70's moms were frequently forced into maternity homes, drugged, lied to, and cohersed away from their children by their own families, society and the social workers. When they reunite..well the moms might actually have a chance to get to know their children and maybe begin to heal from the inhuman treatment that they recieved for being young and unwed. The adoptee will hopefully learn the truth..that they were loved and wanted. I am not sure by what you mean with issues. Fact is, when anyone adopts a child, they should do so with the knowledge that that child has another set of parents. If the adoptive parents have issues with this..then it's really their issues..not something brought on by the natural parents, the natural desire to search, or the horrible truth of a forced relinquishment. That was and is often the situation..and the adotive parents are the only ones who choose to take part in it. I'll leave it at that before I assume to much of what you mean..coz I am not sure..so lcarification would be helpful. The thing is..you see adoption=joy, but the flip side is that for all the joy there is usually just as much pain and loss.

adoptionjoy

I can get this sense that there are situations when children are placed without their parents wish. What's going to happen when the child and the birth parents reunite? Don't they bring issues to the adoptive parents and their family?

I do not think that the issues I assume you are thinking of can or do happen all the time.. I did not want to give my son up.. I had to do it because I probably could not have supported my son in a decent manner or way.. There are so many angers and regrets.. But. I love my bson.. I honour every part of his life.. there is no jealousy.. I relinquished in the sixties.. I reunited in 1999.. I had to relinquish because IMO our society (at that time) did not allow the breaking of the rules.. Now days IMO it is different.. there are lots of posts here written by recent birthmoms stating why they relinquished.. Lots and lots of good reading.. But when I sit back and really look at the why of it (in recent times).. I believe that economics are the main reason some women and men are relinquishing.. today.. Health care for the baby.. Health care for themselves.. Support while pregnant.. etc.. Jackie

Thanks all for the feedback. I will agree with you the fact that the primary reason the birth parents place their child for adoption is because of the financial unstability they have. I have not heard a story of a birth mother who is willing to give her child for adoption because another couple can't have children, but there may be situations like that. When it comes to open adoption, I don't disagree that there is joy for adoptive parents, and sadness on the birth parents side. Do all the birth parents have the same kind of sadness? If the child is taken care of well, and is given good eduation, and with some respect and love towards the birth mothers, how hard it would be for the birth parents to accept the fact that their child is happy. The child's happiness should be their happiness also. Other than the economics, are there other reasons why a birth mother wants to place their child for adoption?

Hmmm..wow. How hard is it to accept that your child is not with you and you can never be that child's parent? It's umm, pretty dern hard. And I can pretty safely say that for the most part, no mother really ever WANTS to place her child..she might feel that she must, or she has no other choice, or that it is much better for the child, but to want to? It's not really something that people want to do. I could go on and on, but its really late here..I would suggest that you take some time and read some of the birthparent threads to get an idea of what is is really like from that side. Not to be rude, but your view is kinda skewed..like way off. Financials are not even the number one reason completely..its all much more complicated than that. Poke about here..all the information is here..and then you'll realy have a better sense.

On the whole I agree with your post but part of your post that I've edited so please don't kill me :) . Yes I agree that the child's happiness should be the the original mother's hapiness but it isn't always that way. My son had a good life, good education and is working towards his second degree. For that yes I am happy but I was in the situation that I could have done the same for him so no I'm not happy he was adopted. The adoption happened because that's what my parents wanted, the case worker lied to me and I had no support. In my situation I recently found out my case comes under a forced adoption so therefore illegal. To answer your question about economics I didn't want my son to be adopted nor was economics an issues so there was nothing right about it. Pip :flower:

Call me an idiot, but it is very difficult for me to accept the fact that 100% of all the birth parents don't want to place their child for adoption. Yes, I can understand the emotional seperation, which everyone faces every day. Isn't the same as when a child of yours who lived with you until the age of 16, later go to college, get married and start living with her husband? Won't you be happy for your child or will you be worried all the time that she left you? We discussed about open adoption. It may be inappropriate to post in this forum, but I'm surprised at the growing number of children going to foster care, and expecting to be cared and adopted. What do those children's birth parents think of. I can see that there is too much agonies in the case of open adoption. I will surely read the stories of birth mothers who are going through agonies, I have great sympathy for them, but how many birth mothers are out there who are happy about placing their child for adoption, and have not posted on this site or expressed their joy publically. So, I think we have to have a balanced approach to this issue - that is, we can't simply say every birth mother unwillingly place her child for adoption. I can't agree to snatching your baby away. That is horrible and inhuman. In your case someone lied, probably your parents told the case worker to do so. I don't know what anyone would do in that situation except listening to their parents and choosing what is the best for your life and your child. As far as I know, if you relinquish a child for adoption, and the paperwork fulfilled through a court, can you have a claim? My question is that, is your child willing to come with you and leave his adoptive parents? If he is willing to stand with you, then you have all the options to do something legally. But for him, it may be hard to break his adoptive parents hearts. If I'm in your shoes, I would do the best for my son.

The precentages I believe of women who place their children for adoption and reall have NO desire to be parents are like 2%. For the rest, it is not necessarily a case that they unwillingliy placed, though that IS the case for many many on the past and still all to many now, but that they would have parented if they could have, if they had had some support, if they had been given real options, or if they had known the real legal frailties of open adoption agreements, or if they had been told how long the "sadness" continues. It's more like a "what if" things had been different then they would have parented....I think that very very few in the real world or here actually say "yeah, I placed my baby for adoption and it sure is great!!" And no it is totally NOT the same as rasing a child, having a lifetime of memeories and then watching her move forth in life. Nothing at all like it. Not even the smallest iota. And I am very confused by your question of open adoption...I just don't get it.

adoptionjoy, I would agree that 100% of original mothers don't want their child adopted isn't realistic but on the other hand there is a high percentage that truely didn't want place but had no support, were lied to etc. There are original mothers who who chose to relinquish and they DO post such as Tigger27 and FH-Schmennaleigh. They have their moments and are honest with their feelings but I admire them deeply for their decisions as it isn't an easy choice to relinquish. Pip :flower:

Dear Mahaela, Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience. Good luck in searching for your birthparents. There are adoptees on the forum who can help you during every step of the way with whom you can share your pain and your joy. With wishes for healing, Happy G'Ma

[FONT=Arial]I do not think it is unkind, unmerciful, or even unrealistic to believe that the majority of Birth mothers were 'unwilling' to place their children for adoption, or were lied to.

I believe that the majority of the women who made (and make) such a selfless decision do so out of love for their child. THey do so because they believe that there are others who will love that child and are better able to offer a stable, nurturing environment to raise it.

It seems to me to be a very heroic decision.

One for which I have the utmost respect.[/FONT]